If you are an overnight guest in someone's home do you treat the bedroom you're staying in as though it's one of the communal areas?

[bluebirdholiday]

Genuine question,

Am just back from staying with a friend in the states. So I was a guest in their apartment, had a bedroom of my own. The apartment is all on one level and 'my' room was tucked away right at the end so not off a main thoroughfare.

I only had a small carry on bag of stuff as only there for a long weekend, but I guess I had things out in the room. Not dirty socks or whatever, but stuff on the dressing table and maybe I'd draped my clothes over the back of the chair.

Anyway, she had visitors over and really told me off about my 'messy' bedroom and how I had to tidy it up as people were coming over and they'd be in there.

I'd honestly never heard of this before. If I have house guests I don't go in to their bedrooms while they're staying let alone ask them to pack away all traces of their stuff?

I ask genuinely if AIBU as I'm not sure if this is an American thing, a general thing or I am nbu to have expected that I could put my things out in the guest bedroom.

I feel EXACTLY the same! Stayed at an inn on Nantucket, USA once, and we all had to sit at one big breakfast table and have our breakfast with about a dozen other people! Like a dinner party with 12 strangers except it's early in the morning, you're pre-caffeine, and you're barely awake!

Let's hear it for Premier Inn!

I, too, HATE being a houseguest!

Reminds me of my gran. She had a hidden line behind her shed for womens underwear to be hung up. As she got older she used to hang her own stuff up in her en suite. It's a very old fashioned thing

Kettles on the stove isn’t cultural. It’s due to power required. They only have 110volts. Boiling a kettle using electric kettles takes ages out there, so they use the rice or microwave the water.
We have 230volts so we can use electric kettles without waiting an age.

@Ivehearditbothways kettles on the stove is a difference between the UK and US I didn't mean to imply it has a deep cultural meaning 🤣 just that how we boil our water is different.

I have a friend who is using my son’s room ,she is from NZ .She has been away for a few weeks, and I have only been in room to change bedclothes,dust etc !

I have an electric kettle - have had one for years. No problem with the voltage. I think the non-electric kettle thing is more that americans don't drink that much tea or instant coffee. Most people who don't have a kettle will have a coffee maker.

I'm Canadian. But I honestly have only met one normal American in my life. I would have closed the bedroom door and treated that bedroom as off limits to other guests or visitors because I'm a stellar host and want my overnight guests to feel cozy and cared for.

She was upset that you had underwear on the clothes horse??? Why did you ever go and visit her? She sounds insane.

I went to the house of an American mother of 3 young children (one is 7 months) with my 5 month old last week. I proceeded to discreetly feed my fussing baby. She was all "oh yes, go ahead!!!" as if I had asked her if I could breastfeed in her home. I was like "oh, I breastfeed her anywhere and any time." Eyeroll.
She's from Virginia...

Also..maybe you are a tiny bit sensitive. Perhaps she isn't berating you and you are just taking it the wrong way. Like...i can be harsh and playful with my sister about her messes because we are so close. So is it possible she is poking fun at you and you are the one feeling embarrassed and out of place? Perhaps she feels close enough to you to tell you that you're messy and that her guests will judge her.

strange friends

Guests in my home are shown their room and left to do whatever they like in there, live out of suitcases or unpack - their choice.

I also knock before I enter

Im also fortunate that I can offer up the use of a bathroom for their sole use - same rules apply - its for their use, if they want to leave their toiletries everywhere - up to them

If Im having friends around visiting at the same time as having house guests and rooms are a pig sty, so be it. Id never make a house guest feel embarressed or uncomfortable

Did she "tell you off" or did she just ask you to tidy the room in advance of other guests arriving while she was hosting you on her wedding weekend?

I'm an American/UK dual citizen. I was taught that
-A host should be gracious and generous, prioritizing guest comfort and giving privacy as much as possible while avoiding saying anything that might make them feel unwelcome
-A guest should be impeccably tidy, minimizing imposition and respecting the norms of the home

So basically if I you were my guest I would simply shut the bedroom door and never say a word about tidyness. But if I were staying in your home I would keep the bed made, my belongings in my suitcase or the wardrobe/dresser, and immediately make whatever changes were asked of me with no fuss.

Im American and I think its weird.

Your friends weird, not just because of how she treated you as her guest but the fact she opened a door at your house that she wasn't invited into by you and then had the nerve to berate you for having laundry in there! I'd have told her she was bonkers there and then

She's just very rude, a rude host and also a rude house guest. She needs telling.

Not once when I've been a house guest in the US did any of my hosts behave in such a rude way and they never entered the room I was a guest in while I was there.

Are you that surprised of her reaction after that?
Tbh I would prefer a hotel.

@bluebirdholiday

since when was a duvet intimate???

I feel the weirdness is a 50:50 split here.

She's unusual. It should be your private space. It can be hard to get everything arranged in a guest room, depending what storage etc is available. (Often I find there's no storage in guest rooms because the wardrobes and drawers are full of people's excess stuff so there's no choice but to spread out.)

She's an invasive weirdo

I’m American and from my perspective I and most people I know would consider a host marching guests through the bedroom allotted to you quite rude!
The only way I can see it being reasonable over here is if there was a “guest bathroom” that opened into the bedroom rather than the hall, and if other guests would need to use that. Beyond that, most of the people I am acquainted with might do the “house tour” but would leave certain doors closed and just wave at them. “And that’s the spare bedroom now let’s go have some coffee and tell me about your trip.”

Is the bedroom in question decorated in a unique way, recently renovated, or perhaps holding a special collection of carved wooden animals from Africa on a shelf… or some other thing that would cause the homestead to wish to display it to all, far and wide? Even then I’d think a nice little “heads up, I’d like to show x the y in your room later” would have been lovely on their part.

Ummm, no! This is not a US house tour thing. This is your friend being a weirdo.

That is not an American thing but a rude thing. When you stay at a bed and breakfast you sometimes share a table and get to know other guests.

Your friend is weird

Is the rest of the property really tidy? She may have some mental health issues surrounding neatness and cleanliness. If she’s otherwise a good friend, I’d let it slide. On the flip side I’m not sure I agree with you a duvet is intimate and one shouldn’t catch site of it. Seems you also have issues.