If you are an overnight guest in someone's home do you treat the bedroom you're staying in as though it's one of the communal areas?

[bluebirdholiday]

Genuine question,

Am just back from staying with a friend in the states. So I was a guest in their apartment, had a bedroom of my own. The apartment is all on one level and 'my' room was tucked away right at the end so not off a main thoroughfare.

I only had a small carry on bag of stuff as only there for a long weekend, but I guess I had things out in the room. Not dirty socks or whatever, but stuff on the dressing table and maybe I'd draped my clothes over the back of the chair.

Anyway, she had visitors over and really told me off about my 'messy' bedroom and how I had to tidy it up as people were coming over and they'd be in there.

I'd honestly never heard of this before. If I have house guests I don't go in to their bedrooms while they're staying let alone ask them to pack away all traces of their stuff?

I ask genuinely if AIBU as I'm not sure if this is an American thing, a general thing or I am nbu to have expected that I could put my things out in the guest bedroom.

I totally get that, but I think if I had an overseas guest staying I'd say "and that's X's room for the weekend so we won't look in there today"

Interesting!!!

Note to self: if offered hospitality by friends in US, politely decline and book a hotel. I;m a messy person!

Lived many years in the states, knew they are a very house proud bunch but never thought they can be so rudely house proud! Learn something new everyday!

I once found a not very close friend in my bed on a house tour as he was looking for a new mattress and my husband, who was there with him, invited him to try the one we had just bought. I don’t like house guests to go into my bedroom never mind my bed
edited to add they were both fully dressed! Nothing untoward going on other than just seriously different ideas about boundaries to me

American here, this is definitely not a US thing. Your friend just sounds weird and uptight. I’ve never in my life given a houseguest a tour of the house, except for a handful of people when we bought our first house, but generally no one ever gets to see the bedrooms, that’s private. I think the only person who has ever seen the first floor our house is MIL because she has watched the dc overnight.

I would give people a tour of a new house they hadn't seen before. Maybe some piece of refurbishment I was very proud of. I ask before going into a guest's bedroom and I would mention to an American friend (even though they are hosting me) that in the UK we find it very rude to go into someone else's private space without asking permission.

I'n on the US West Coast and I've never heard of a guest's room being a public 'venue'. I'd think the only time might be (as others have noted) if it were a new house and the host wanted to show it off. But even then I can't imagine anyone being told to 'go clean your room', rather perhaps "Hey, some friends are coming and I'd like to show them the whole house, hope you don't mind but that includes your room".

When you speak of 'US Culture/US thing' please remember that the US is huge and what is 'normal' where I live may not be normal in the MidWest, the South, or the East Coast and can also be influenced by someone's ethnic heritage.

That's so funny. She sounds very rude.

Thank you, I did clarify in a later post that this is Boston.

My friend is also of English heritage. She has English parents, just like me. She spent some time in the US when younger as a result of her parent marrying a US citizen, hence having a green card to live there now.

Well yes I didn't think I'd have to clarify that when I say US thing I don't actually mean every single American all over the US! But it is apparently a thing in some places over there. Same as 'Europe' or indeed any other region - there will be variations in culture/mores.

Anyhow I think we can all agree that this would be considered very odd in many UK homes and also in many US homes!

This sort if thing is why I would never be a houseguest, and even hate small B&B's or guesthouses! Give me an anonymous Premier Inn every time.

Perhaps her letting yourself in to a room you didnt show her is what she expects from her other guests. As for berating you for having underwear on the clothes horse, wtf?!

That's very odd. I don't go in bedrooms when I visit people.

I'm totally with you I really dislike staying in people's houses. I was a guest at her (small) wedding and couldn't have afforded to attend otherwise (Boston isn't cheap).

The clothes horse thing i think may have been cultural as well as they don't hang clothes out there as far as I can tell? I did do some laundry there and it was all expected to go straight into her gargantuan top loading dryer so yes - the idea of their being pants on a clothes horse was probably shocking to her despite the real horror being the environmental cost of drying her clothes like that.

I don't want to descent into a bitch about her, she's a dear friend who I love very much but there are parts of her behaviour where I can't tell if it's just normal for her or if she's being a judgey fucker

Well my gran thinks that drying clothes on radiators and hanging underwear out anywhere visible in your house is "an absolutely terrible thing to do " (verbatim quote) so maybe your friend is very old fashioned...?

I used to have friends like that.

My guests are entitled to their privacy and their room would not be on show to anyone. I wonder whether she is a neat freak.

A friend in the US had to put some stuff out to dry in the garden as their 3 kids had noro and she simply couldnt get it dry in the tumble dryer quick enough. It was the height of summer in Texas. Her NDN reported her to the HOA because drying washing outside was against their rule and SHOCK HORROR!!!!! her son and husband saw her underwear!

Friend had inherited her house from her grandparents and much to the NDN's annoyance, she wasnt part of the HOA as her house predated theirs by decades so she just ignored it all but was slagged off to all and sundry by the NDN.

I have seen this posted about on MN too, but according to my friend the very conservative viewpoint of things that like this is very very prevelant in the US.

Did you ask why the friends were in 'your bedroom' when they'd been to the house before, therefore unlikely to be a tour? Very odd! If we have someone staying and I needed something in their room I'd ask them before going in. I would absolutely not be taking randoms on there!

Regarding 'tours', I used to live in a 2 bed flat, 1 level with a small corridor. A colleague met at mine, before we headed out. We walked into the lounge- so she could see every room anyway- then asked for a tour! She didn't just stand at the door to the bedrooms- but walked inside, looked around, moved the curtains to see the view and even opened wardrobe doors!!! She is Slovakian, and I don't know if that is a cultural thing? If I've ever been shown around someones house (at THEIR request) I'd stand at the door and give a cursory look, not go into the bedroom and touch things!

I live in Boston. She is weird. It is a her thing - berating you when she opened your boxroom as well - something going on with her. She's a weirdo about this.

No one I know goes into their guest's rooms when guests are staying there.

The "house tour" thing is a thing I've encountered in Ireland and the US - I've encountered it more here - and more from Irish people but that is because we live in an older and quite traditional american house so non US visitors love seeing it.

Yeah americans use the tumble dryer way more than europeans but it is very hip in Boston to dry on clothes horses or on the line and also loads of people do it because it is cheaper.

If she has other lovely redeeming qualities, then chalk it up to her one weird thing.

I hope you are enjoying your trip - Boston is a great city.

Re: privacy I think that's what put me on the back foot a bit as she literally announced she'd been in 'my' room while I went for a run and expected me to tidy it up as it was embarrassing given guests were coming over.

Overall I did have a nice time but I couldn't really afford to go (credit card for the flights but that's what you do for old friends) and then felt wrong footed about stuff I just didn't really 'get' like not having kept everything in my tiny carry on suitcase the entire weekend

Excellent perspective, thank you! Honestly I just genuinely don't know how to take her at times and I'd prefer to think it's cultural than deliberate. Thank you

She sounds totally batshit. A guest bedroom should be private to the guest unless otherwise specified IN ADVANCE of the visit.

Terrible host.

If I have a guest in my spare room, it's absolutely theirs. When I have guests sleeping in my spare room and in my sitting room - which is open plan - the sitting room is their space and we use the conservatory as a sitting room. Privacy is very important to me so I assume it is to other people too, particularly if you're staying away from home.

That’s very odd. I wouldn’t go in a guest’s room unless I needed something specific and then I’d ask permission. It’s a private space.