To ask for your tips in not becoming bitter?

[pomegranaterouge]

Namechanged.

Anyone else seem to have a disproportionately unfair amount of 'bad shit' happen to them compared to their friends? I try to keep perspective - I frequently remind myself that I'm not living in a war zone, my children are alive, I'm not crossing the channel on a small boat, I don't have terminal cancer...

HOWEVER, it feels like I've had (and continue to have) a far, far more challenging and stressful life than pretty much everyone I know! Think - early and sudden death of parent, severe mental illness of sibling, wider family estrangement, one of my dc has a serious medical condition etc etc. Among all this there's been some less serious, but still highly stressful 'challenges' around money, career, DH's family, my own health and more.

Among my (admittedly privileged) group of lovely friends, I've had the roughest time by a long, long way. Yet ANOTHER very stressful thing happened to me earlier this week (I won't go into details as it's all quite raw and traumatic still) and I feel like shaking my fist at the sky.

I adore my friends who are very supportive, but sometimes I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and hide away, rather than be this person who they inevitably have sympathy for again and again and again.

I also feel jealous about the relative ease of their lives compared to mine - and worry I am becoming bitter and exhausted. I don't want to be. Can anyone relate, and can anyone help?

Ive found a lot of people get very defensive if someone says theyve had it harder than most. I think its some unconscious instinct but it is very odd.

Poorly worded on my part, however I do believe in self fulfilling prophecy, if you expect things to go wrong, then that will happen, you put yourself in that situation. This is not aimed at the OP but talking in general

Tbf I do expect things to go wrong (cause that's my experience), so I have plan A,B,C and D in place. That means that 99% of the time things end up going at least ok. I'm also rarely disappointed because I expect shit to happen, so I'm half mentally prepared for it.

I'm not talking about significantly traumatic things here. For those , I find it reassuring to know yeah, I'll probably break, but I'll eventually be ok again, because I have before.

I found rather then bitter it made me have a proper chip on my shoulder so I automatically feel I am beneath others and then I perceive criticism and judgement from others where there is none. (Very bad social anxiety) some days it does overwhelm me but luckily those days are much fewer then they use to be.

I found i sort of did my own mindset recovery programme haha
So every time I felt "beneath" or another thing went ridiculously south. I would counteract it with something positive and turn it around. Like when I had some massive financial impact hit and our home went out the window so to speak, I tried to turn it to how it will aid me to be financially independent and push me to make the new career choice I would not of initially made and to do it alone.
(Sometimes it's clutching at straws) but I try to use the crap as a motivation to push harder.
Everytime the dark thoughts and misery goes through my head I make myself think of a positive thought to balance it out.
I use to literally have to write a gratitude lists every morning and then write down before bed the good parts of my day. (In the real bad times in my life sometimes it was literally the first morning coffee and that the breeze on my face was pleasant earlier haha)

Also developing a deeper part of myself. Not to do with anything physical. But like a hobby (writing, music) or reading. Just something I can pride myself in that's personal, away from work, social. Like quiet time with myself where I can reflect and acknowledge myself positively. I do meditation now, and find doing something that I can apply mindfulness in, to get me present, quiet my mind and take my mind away from the past and just be.

I try not to think in a way that brings down anyone else. Like "they probably suck at this so they have it bad too really" as I find it starts bringing negative thought patterns in and I unconsciously start applying it more and more to other things over time in my life.
I try and be happy for them and also turn my resentment of my journey to pride. That wow I really got through that. Wow I'm glad I survived that. Also to be proactive, I'm unhappy because of this, this is unfair so what steps might change my future?

Unfortunately it's patience mostly. You don't undo a lifetime of trauma pain and resentment over night. I still suck but I suck less 😂 and it's taken 6 years to suck less 😂😂

Some days though are a write off. Everyone gets bad days and feels crap. Unfortunately I find it triggers my past memories and feelings. I feel I am back in that dark hole. So I just try and ride it out. The minute I can get away with it, I will be in my pj's, candles on, fluffy dressing gown, wrapped in blankets sobbing whilst scooping in mouthfuls of cheesecake and just wait till it passes. 😂 but it does pass and I cope now.

Don't know if that helps at all? Anything in my tactics that you can adopt? I know it's a bit different but I find sometimes something someone says or does I adapt a bit and find useful x

I do agree with this. They seem to think you are dismissing their troubles completely.

To answer the OP, I've had a lot of trauma in my life and I have found a lot of comfort from volunteer work with people struggling with various issues. I feel a connection, I know I'm offering the support I didn't get myself, and I know better how to support myself as a result. You are not alone.

Allow yourself to wallow once in a while. Have a good cry if it helps. You're allowed to feel hard done by; just try not to do it too often. If you can manage to be positive the majority of the time then that is a GOOD THING.

OP I can relate and send solidarity. My life has been a series of unfortunate events, often left field and frankly many people think they're unbelievable. If I was a stranger listening to some of the storms I've weathered, I'd think I was delusional too.

I'm 55 now and the last 4 years have been particularly WTF. I do have a small circle of close friends who rally round but often in a new crisis my first instinctive response is embarrassment as I have to explain yet another "you couldn't make this shit up" occurrence and apologise for being unable to function consistently. Some of them have also had similarly shit lives, so I can offload safely and reciprocate but I also have a couple whose relentless positivity occasionally makes me want to punch them in the throat. Harsh but there we are.

I look at it as survival out of spite, and you may have gathered that I'm the walking meme about trauma, dark humour and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I can overthink to an Olympi standard, I berate myself when I'm not grateful enough for hanging on by my fingernails, and sometimes I just end up staring blankly at the TV just waiting for the next axe to fall. Currently I'm playing geriatric roulette watching my dear elderly parents (in their 80s) who have both physical and mental health issues and who have actually separated this year which was not on my batshit bingo card at all heading for a complete clusterfuck on legal and care fronts with nary a POA in sight and me as only child running around with the fire blanket.

If it comes down to it, be bitter. I have concocted a nutty theory though. Perhaps some of us are dealt shovels of shit by some force that uses us to bear it because our superpower is not going postal and taking it out on others. We may shrivel inside but we don't go postal. Maybe we are part of some weird balance because there are some people out there who might go totally and murderous nuts if they had half the stuff to deal with that we have. Like I said it's nuts but it keeps my darkest impulses in check sometimes.

Anyway, I'm well aware how psychotic I may sound so I'll bow out - but I'm sending love ❤️ and that's to anyone who needs it for any reason at all.

Life is unfair and it is just unrealistic and ridiculous to say otherwise. Statistically and factually, some people have a disproportionate amount of tragedy and unhappiness in their lives and it's not because they 'expect misfortune', it's just fact.

I've been in general extremely lucky in life, I only have one tragedy to my name, and I remember noticing that I didn't at the time feel 'why me' but once smaller things come along as well it can definitely creep in.

So I don't have any useful advice but just validation, you have been unlucky, that is unfair, and you're amazing to be able to reflect on your emotions and say 'how can I avoid this negativity that I'm feeling as a result of the shit life has thrown at me'

That's nonsense.

Illnesses in children, cancer in loved ones, job cuts, traffic accidents - these things are not caused because people put themselves in a situation.

This attitude is very cruel towards people who have suffered from misfortune. It's victim-blaming.

Life is unfair. Some people are lucky, some are not. Someone I knew, their dad died when they were 10, their mum died when they were 16. Their brother took his own life when they were 21. Their spouse died when they were 35. Their stepchild died when they were 50. How can that be fair? Or have happened because they 'expected' it to? And this person, through it all, is a wonderful person, a great friend.

Life is long- the best may be yet to come. Your friends might experience adversity down the line. We can never have guarantees. Life indeed can be unfair and we can’t change that
I have experienced more than most- and yes of course I think why me. That’s normal and natural. There will be people worse off, of course but that doesn’t mean you can’t be pissed off.
Bitterness sets in when you stay at pissed off and unpack there. It can also take over if you’ve spent a lifetime refusing to acknowledge your pain and trying to look on the bright side. One thing tips you over the edge and the why me AGAIN comes crashing over you.
My advice is that trauma is like a bottle of coke that’s been shaken. You have to let a bit out now and then before the lid comes off and it explodes every where. I often have a shit feeling and just observe it like, ok I’m angry right now. I allow it, I don’t analyse it or try to attach it to ‘I’m angry because my mum xyz’ because that draws you back into the trauma. For me it’s ’I’m Angry and that’s ok’
I try and move the feeling on by using what works for me- a walk, watching something funny, doing something for my inner child.
If I start comparing my life with others I again, acknowledge I’m feeling let down and move it on.
Good luck to you, we do recover.

Acceptance and commitment. Perhaps a gratitude journal. Maybe a walk. Deep breaths, realise what hardship has taught you. Resilience? Bravery? Strength? Humour?. You are you, not your friends.

I grew up in an abusive home, lost a sister at a young age. Married an abusive man , stayed in the relationship ten years. Got my life back on track then In the same year my grandad died, my mum became terminally ill and my son was diagnosed with asd. Ds will never be independent. I had a break down and lost my job. My mum died. We had a house fire and lost all our belongings.

Am I worse off than some? Yes how
Do I manage it ? By not comparing and practising gratitude

You may have quite a lucky/privileged friendship group.

It may sound trite but perspective helps. Being born in the UK has given you options in life that 80% of the rest of the world will never have.

@pomegranaterouge you’ve had a lot to deal with on the grief and illness front. Sudden death and siblings with sectionable MH issues are about as bad as it gets.

Are you ok right now??

I do think acute crises are stressful in a way that longer term pressures aren’t. Several in short succession are devestating and really take their toll. Especially if you have younger children who are very dependent. I will never forget the time in my life when I had a potentially seriously ill child, and a very destabilising health condition of my own to deal with. It was like an earthquake going off.

Some people get through their parenting years and mid-life/early middle age without any of this stuff going off. It’s pretty rare to get through one’s working years unscathed though.

It’s not you. You’ve just been really unlucky :(

Buy a lottery ticket. It’s your turn.

To your point of not being bitter OP, all I have to say is I tell myself to stop it when I am (or acknowledge it rather), because ultimately it is self defeating. I know it will make my life narrower, if bitterness was my consistent attitude.

I have ended up in a new job role in a privileged world where someone is brought to tears by the fact they haven’t ordered their Ibiza outfits in time before their holiday in Crete, and is finding their life really stressful due to issues like this. Knowing how life is when, say, you have a child with SEND that doesn’t sleep, a parent with dementia and you’re on the brink of poverty makes you want to scream to them about getting some real problems.

But as I’m sure you do, feel it and don’t say it. Have the deserved pity party when you have to and then try and connect with everyone you can; as superficial as they may seem after your experiences

Some of these responses are worthy of the biggest eye roll, honestly. Yes, everyone goes through shit but some people (like OP) seem to get a disproportionate amount of it - and not just every day stuff, either.

OP, I've had a rough ride too. For me, what helps is to bear in mind that 'life' doesn't give a shiny shit about me. It doesn't care if I'm overwhelmed, angry or sad, it's certainly not going to change its course, so what good will being bitter do? Who stands to win? No-one, but I would stand to lose even more.

I think it's perfectly fine and healthy to acknowledge your feelings though and the horrible things that have happened to you. Skirting around them and putting on a brave face is no good, so there's a fine balance between allowing yourself to feel without it stunting your progress.

It IS unfair, all of it.

I've had a recent crap thing (think disfigurement) & got into such a state being cross with myself for being upset about something unsightly rather than being grateful it wasn't something worse (life limiting etc). I managed to move through it by accepting it's ok to hate this AND still feel lucky it wasn't worse. Sometimes you need to sink a bit to make you bounce back - hopefully this is just your pre-bounce!

(& I know I will sink again as the crap thing progresses/changes for the worse/more visible but just now I'm hanging in there)

A weird thing that always helps me is visiting ancient settlements- humans have had to fight just to survive. all daylight hours were committed to that survival & it was normal for our children to die in infancy.
Clean water comes out when I turn a bloody tap & the bins get emptied! Never mind the library that will lend me books...

I do wonder if there is more to your choice of "exhausted" - i hope you can prioritise sleep & the bounce finds you 💐

Go into the forest and scream - why should you keep it inside
It sounds as if you need an outlet
I don't know if it will help but after a dear friend died from cascade bleeding I went into a place away from people and bloody raged

Out of three siblings, I was the only one to win the jackpot of having the hereditary condition that makes life painful, difficult and will, most likely, kill me. I can remember being furious when diagnosed and positively spitting with rage when my very loving sibling told me 'they'd rather have it than me,' which was meant incredibly kindly but it just infuriated me as I didn't want anyone to have it.
I am not bitter over it now as I did a lot of screaming and raging in the car (surprisingly helpful!) But I think I had to feel it, get upset over the unfairness and then let it go. Weirdly a friend sent me a fridge magnet that says 'you've got this life because you are strong enough to handle it,' and daft as it sounds, looking at it that way helps. I am strong. I've had a shit ton of trauma the last 8 years but I'm still here and I'm still trying to live life on my own terms. In the end that's all any of us can do.

@pomegranaterouge i understand how you feel we've had a tough few years sudden unexpected deaths and an awful family situation ongoing so we are now nc life does feel hard and unfair and I am incredibly hurt over how I have been and am being treated by my family especially after losing so many suddenly on dh side.

I don't have any advice but I emphasise with you and I hope things improve for you I am looking into therapy to help me process and deal with my feelings

I have had some horrible experiences but I try to focus on the fact they've shown me that life is too short not to make the most of it and try to have as much fun as possible. I try to appreciate the good things around me. I also think that the tough times have shown me how strong I am. I survived and have created a happy and stable life. It wasn't easy but most people assume that I've been lucky. It actually took a lot of time and effort but I don't take it for granted. I know things can change in a moment so you have to enjoy things while they're good.

Sympathies OP. I'm so sorry ypu experienced so much pain and trauma.

Some people definitely have to deal with a lot more shit than others and it can be very difficult not to feel bitter sometimes. Personally I'd give yourself permission to feel like that ocassionally and find an outlet for it - scrawl it all down and burn the paper, find somewhere you can scream. Therapy is good, as is self-compassion, calming activities like yoga, getting out in nature, especially forests.

I am just starting to come out of an absolutely horrendous decade. When I summarise it ocassionally to new friends they look at me in horror. Yes, everyone has difficult stuff to deal with, but don't gaslight people like the OP by not acknowledging her particular experience.

I feel for you and I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I have a similar story and feel like I’ve been highly stressed for the best part of 20 years, dealt with an huge amount of crap, have no joy in my life, close to losing it completely and feel in complete burnout. I used to think that everyone’s tough times evened out eventually, but now I don’t think so.

I’ve started to concentrate on myself as much as possible, to think about doing small things I enjoy and started to think about taking some classes, thinking also about what I can control and what I can’t control and trying to stay calm about all the stuff outwith my zone of control. I have some very supportive friends and some that make things harder, so I’ve put in some boundaries there where possible. It’s tough, there is no doubt about it. I’m also thinking about talking to my GP, to look for someone to talk to maybe, though haven’t done that yet. Spending time with my DC had helped, as they’re the best part of my life. I don’t know how I’ll come out the other end, but just know you’re not alone. Sending hugs your way x

I'm sorry you've been through so much, OP. Reading your first post, I've probably been through more and continue to do so, but I may also be a bit older than you. I count my blessings that I had a relatively smooth ride for most of the early years, till my 40s. I don't know that I'm bitter but I definitely have some issues as a result. Mostly, that is feeling a disconnect from the world as I can't relate to most people who haven't been through so much. I find myself tending towards isolation and wanting that, and pushing back against it because I know it's not ideal. The ways I deal:

I remind myself that you don't know what is around the corner for these people with straight forward appearing lives. I was once that person and then bam, it all changed. I actually think how naive they all are, like I used to be. It's scary how oblivious people are.

I have made a couple of good friends. One in a bereaved parent group, who lost a child the same age around the same time I did. And one in a carer of seriously ill children support group more recently. Two people in my life who somewhat 'get it'. Makes such a difference.

Lots of time in nature and starting a garden. It helps.

I still struggle with the desire to isolate and whether just allowing myself to do it is sensible. But I do sometimes allow myself to step back and just have quiet days at home.

I don't worry about the 'why me'? It's just bad luck. I didn't do anything to deserve it or invite it. Some people just get a bad run for a long time out of complete randomness.

Another thing I do is not actually talk about it that much with friends. Outside of everything, I am still me and a complete person on my own. Other than my two friends that can relate, and even then I try to limit it, I tend to try to focus on me as a person outside everything else with other people.

Exercise. It helps release tension and keeps me healthy to deal with all the demands.

I don't know what the answer is but I try to make room for the things I enjoy to balance things up a bit. Try things and keep a sense of who you are outside all the storms and you'll find a way that works for you. It's still not easy, but easier.

I'm just going to answer the question as asked rather than lay in to the op (sorry about your experiences op).

I've had a pretty shit time of it: abusive family of origin, had to have a lot of therapy to get over the child abuse I experienced. NC with all family to keep my kid's safe. Then divorced after 20 years and that really is lonely when you have no family of your own. SEND kids that I'm a full time lone parent of, you get the picture.

I'm afraid I keep myself from being bitter by reminding myself that one way or another everyone else will go through loss, there's no getting out of this life without it. I don't mourn my family any longer (did for a long time) and when I see people having lovely family time with their parents I remind myself that their parents are going to get old and frail and eventually be lost (some of them have already been through this and it's horrible to watch).

I remind myself that even the happiest of marriages end, because one or the other will die.

I don't mean any of this in a gleeful way at all, I mean I know that nothing in life is permanent so focus on what you have right now, no one else is getting out of this life without a world of loss or pain to go through even if it feels like that sometimes.