To ask for your tips in not becoming bitter?

[pomegranaterouge]

Namechanged.

Anyone else seem to have a disproportionately unfair amount of 'bad shit' happen to them compared to their friends? I try to keep perspective - I frequently remind myself that I'm not living in a war zone, my children are alive, I'm not crossing the channel on a small boat, I don't have terminal cancer...

HOWEVER, it feels like I've had (and continue to have) a far, far more challenging and stressful life than pretty much everyone I know! Think - early and sudden death of parent, severe mental illness of sibling, wider family estrangement, one of my dc has a serious medical condition etc etc. Among all this there's been some less serious, but still highly stressful 'challenges' around money, career, DH's family, my own health and more.

Among my (admittedly privileged) group of lovely friends, I've had the roughest time by a long, long way. Yet ANOTHER very stressful thing happened to me earlier this week (I won't go into details as it's all quite raw and traumatic still) and I feel like shaking my fist at the sky.

I adore my friends who are very supportive, but sometimes I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and hide away, rather than be this person who they inevitably have sympathy for again and again and again.

I also feel jealous about the relative ease of their lives compared to mine - and worry I am becoming bitter and exhausted. I don't want to be. Can anyone relate, and can anyone help?

@frogpigdonkey - thank you. I know it's not helpful to ask 'why me?' - I want to stop myself from asking that, if that makes sense!

Well yes, she's comparing herself to others.

I remember seeing something by Rebecca Adlington when she had a still birth at 20 weeks, if you ask why me when something bad happens, you have to ask yourself the same question when something good happens.
You have to reframe your thinking

I hear you, OP. I've found therapy with a very good therapist to be revelatory in dealing with this stuff, and in negotiating how it affected my relationship to friends and peers.

I am sorry OP that a lot of posters are missing the point. This is absolutely not about you comparing yourself with people who have more than you. This is about you having experienced really life altering events and struggling to make sense of it all and still enjoy the company of friends who have not endured what you have endured.

the best thing you can focus on is making your own life the best it can be. small steps. refocus away from everyone else and make sure you're always taking little steps, as well as having a bigger plan in mind. it doesn't matter if you don't achieve the big plan but the small steps will all add up and be kind to yourself - you've had a lot of crap to deal with and that in itself is a good reason that things are not perfect - many others would probably crumble under similar circumstances so it really is a massive feat that you've got to where you are. sometimes all we can do is stay afloat and that can take so much effort! So congratulate yourself and focus on the little improvements and give yourself little treats.

Really? I would have thought that was about an average number of serious things by what, 30s?

I've had about the same comparably (although parent was terminal cancer rather than sudden) and I'm definitely on fewer things than my friendship group. One of them miscarried twins and when she posted a memorial on Facebook, was told by a family member she was a failure by not being able to take them to full term and successful birth, which I thought was horrific.

I think it's true a lot of people keep things hidden though. I don't tell my friends a lot of things, especially if I know they're going through a lot of stuff themselves. For example they don't know about the times I've tried to kill myself. So maybe that's what your friends are doing because they don't want to put more on you.

@Morwenscapacioussleeves - thank you, and sorry you've also experienced some hard times. I do agree with you about how grief in childhood can make you appreciate the good stuff - I'm usually quite strong on that, and tend to be the person quite a few friends come to for advice in fact - which, of course, I'm always happy to give! I love my friends immensely...

However, I'm just at an exhausted stage where I am wondering how much more pain I will have to endure. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else but it just seems very very unfair that it always seems to be me...

@pomegranaterouge it is hard. I think it's ok to feel sad about how things are, but then also to focus on what is good as well. As others have said all you can do is try to reframe the thinking on a general basis, but it's ok to have periods of wallowing! We are all human x

Meditation.

To answer the OPs question- therapy and meditation.

@Lanzarotelady - I do want to reframe my thinking. But how?

Essentially 'when something bad happens, you have to ask yourself the same question when something good happens' means 'appreciate the good things you do have.' And I absolutely try to, I try to appreciate the joy and beauty and fortune that IS in my life....but, after yet another traumatic and unlucky thing happened to me last week, I'm just left questioning why, among my circle of close friends, it's largely me who endures harder times. (I'm not saying they haven't had challenges, of course they have - but trust me, I've had to navigate far more.)

I know there are no answers as to 'why' this is, btw, but I'd love advice on how I can get through this.

@sorrythetruthhurts - I'm so sorry you've struggled with your mental health and have felt unable to share that with your friends (and yes that's extremely tragic for your friend who had the stillbirth).

I am as confident as I could ever be, though, in knowing about my closest friends' pain and challenges in their lives - we do share and openly support each other. I'm just personally struggling with the fact that I seem to have A LOT more on my plate to deal with - and hoping for advice for the best way to navigate this.

@guitarhairbrush - thank you, that's very helpful.

To those advising therapy and meditation - I've had therapy in the past and could probably deal with some more, although money is pretty tight for us at the moment unfortunately. Meditation - I used to do a lot of yoga which included some meditative process, this definitely helped me, but I have lapsed a lot recently and will try to get back into it...

Trees/nature etc - yes definitely. I do try to go out on regular walks and live near lovely woodland so that helps.

Please keep the advice and thoughts coming!

@pomegranaterouge I get you. I am also that person. But im definitely not bitter and that is because i've come to believe that:
-Things dont happen to you. They happen FOR you. To learn and to grow. And they keep on happening until you get it and learn the lesson.
-Don't compare. You might have it more shit than others and that's just how it is. Accept this is your lot. Fully accept.
-No one promised you an easy life when you came on this earth. Once you accept that with healthy curiosity about the future, you will be Ok.
-Whenever i see someone who has what i desire (family, home, supportive partner etc etc.) i take a moment to feel the love and think to myself that 'they deserve their happiness'. Because they do. Everyone does. And one day when it's my turn, I would hope that others would look at me thinking I deserve my happiness too.

For me, meditation and spirituality has helped me see the bigger picture.

It is really hard OP. I can empathise with you. I think the PP recommending time in nature are on the right track. I think to stop yourself being bitter you need to actively work on making life as enjoyable / un stressful as possible. Prioritise self-care, work out what makes you feel happy, spend time with people you care about. Find a good therapist if you can afford one and don't have one.

Learning that it's not self-indulgence to look after my own needs is one thing I've learned in therapy. One thing I feel I've gained from some difficult life experiences is more empathy/a different perspective from people who've had less difficult paths- it sort of makes me feel better to know I've learned and grown through difficult times.

I'm sorry you've had such difficult experiences and I think it's completely understandable to feel the way you do.

I allow myself to feel the bitterness rather than trying to push it away all the time. When life is getting on top of me, I build in tIme to have a wallow, usually over a weekend as it’s exhausting having to try and look on the bright side all the time. Then I feel more able to face the struggles again. Might be worth a try OP x

@BluYlloRedPurpl - thank you for your empathy. There's truth to your words, but if I am honest, I do struggle a little with sentiments like 'they keep on happening to you until you get it and learn the lesson'.

I simply don't believe that death and tragedy are part of some kind of big life lesson I'm afraid - bluntly, would you say that to the thousands of people losing loved ones in war zones right now?! It doesn't entirely make me feel better tbh. I know what you are saying is well intended though, so thank you again.

Some of these comments are ridiculous. I guess starving kids should just assume that everyone else in the world is starving too and stop complaining.

You've had more hurdles in life than the people around you. It's really unfair. Hopefully you'll get a huge break from them now and life will finally let you breathe!

Sadly I don't really know how to avoid being bitter, because I am quite a bitter person... I think when my needs are being met, I'm much more positive towards other humans, but that's probably not helpful. When I've had enough alone time, quiet, reduced stress, etc. Sometimes doing nice things for others can help, too, like if you bake something you could drop some off to your neighbour or friend and it creates good feelings all round!

I hope things get better for you.

No, this just isn't true. I wasn't sexually assaulted because I feared sexual assault or had an attitude of "assault me". 🤦🏼‍♀️ People aren't victims of war because they have a negative attitude.

Sometimes bad things happen randomly. It's impossible to get through to people who live in denial about that.

(Agreeing with you, OP).

You've had it tough, OP. You must have a very strong character, to keep going. Sadly, we can't change how life will pan out, but you seem to be coping well.

Do you ever manage to do anything lovely for yourself? Just a little indulgence can do you the world of good and help sustain you

@SunflowersAndSquash and @RedRedRobot - thank you.

I'm in a similar position, OP. My friends don't know the extent of what I've been through, but they are aware of the things that I can't so easily hide. I don't really have any advice, but gratitude journalling does put me in a more positive mindset when I remember to do it. It doesn't take away what I've been through, and what I'm still dealing with, but it helps me to feel less defeated by it. Also, I remind myself that just because my life has been tough up until now, it doesn't mean that I can't go on to live a very fortunate and fulfilling life in my older years. Never give up hope of that.

@pomegranaterouge Just ignore that bit in my post if it doesn't resonate ❤️
For me, some of the hardest lessons learned have been through untimely deaths of loved ones, and rings true to me personally.
When it comes to children, nothing bad should ever happen to them and I'm so sorry you're having that in your family.

I’ve had many challenges - terrible upbringing, sexual abuse, addictions, debt, deprived background, sudden passing of close relatives and estrangement. A lot of this happened before my mid 20’s.

You do develop a resilience when you’ve been through challenges, but I always think there’s always someone worse off than me, and I think with that mindset you tend to appreciate what you’ve got in front of you. It does take a lot of discipline to be like that, but life is so short to be bitter.