To ask for your tips in not becoming bitter?

[pomegranaterouge]

Namechanged.

Anyone else seem to have a disproportionately unfair amount of 'bad shit' happen to them compared to their friends? I try to keep perspective - I frequently remind myself that I'm not living in a war zone, my children are alive, I'm not crossing the channel on a small boat, I don't have terminal cancer...

HOWEVER, it feels like I've had (and continue to have) a far, far more challenging and stressful life than pretty much everyone I know! Think - early and sudden death of parent, severe mental illness of sibling, wider family estrangement, one of my dc has a serious medical condition etc etc. Among all this there's been some less serious, but still highly stressful 'challenges' around money, career, DH's family, my own health and more.

Among my (admittedly privileged) group of lovely friends, I've had the roughest time by a long, long way. Yet ANOTHER very stressful thing happened to me earlier this week (I won't go into details as it's all quite raw and traumatic still) and I feel like shaking my fist at the sky.

I adore my friends who are very supportive, but sometimes I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and hide away, rather than be this person who they inevitably have sympathy for again and again and again.

I also feel jealous about the relative ease of their lives compared to mine - and worry I am becoming bitter and exhausted. I don't want to be. Can anyone relate, and can anyone help?

I take the view, What goes around comes around op. I'm single. All through ds' primary years, all the other mums made me feel like the poor relation with their perfect houses and new cars.

Now a lot of them are getting divorced, losing their homes, struggling to go full time again, while our household sails peacefully on.

Your experiences will have taught you skills and understanding that others do not possess, that will come in handy.

So maybe some understanding instead of dismissal?

Yes those are early, and that's not easy. Sorry for your losses.

Yes. I can relate. Although you have had it very tough for a very long time, and over myriad different issues, I can relate to the extent that DD1 became desperately, life threatening, sick in year 10. She essentially missed out on those teenage years from 15 - 17 ish. I felt very very sad on her behalf and struggled not to felt bitter when she was in tears seeing photos of her friends getting ready for prom, enjoying post GCSE summer etc. She recovered. And I am so grateful she didn’t die, but I entirely understand that counting your blessings doesn’t always cut it.

I have come on here to show solidarity, but in truth I don’t know that there is a magic answer to what you are feeling. Try to find the joy where you can, exercise, nature, mindfulness. These things all worked for me to an extent. But life is hard for some people and you seem to have it harder than many.

I suppose there is also the idea that no one knows what’s around the corner. Before DD1 got sick we looked as though we were a family. So although you absolutely would not wish ill fortune on any of your friends you really can’t predict what is in store for any of them.

I don’t really subscribe to the idea that it all evens out in the end. I can think of some people who had had truly awful lives I’m afraid. But resilience and humour and grace will help sustain you. My mother used to say “it’s a grand life if you don’t weaken”! Sorry that’s not much comfort I know.

I really wish you well.

I meant to say looked as though we were a fortunate family! Missed out fortunate.

Also, to be clear - it's not a trauma competition, I don't need people to tell me whether or not my life experience is more or less valid than someone else's. The fact is, I've had to cope with a lot more than most of my close friends (and it's not even up for debate whether or not I would 'know' if they had had experienced similar, that's just a completely silly argument!) - and I was hoping for advice from anyone who is in a similar position?

OP I can seriously recommend this to you.
Don't compare. That's madness.

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood - thank you. I am so sorry for what you went through with your daughter, and am so pleased to hear she has recovered now. Thank you for your advice and empathetic words.

@pomegranaterouge
You've experienced a lot.

I read somewhere that being bitter is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Can you spend some time really focusing yourself, do you have the chance to give yourself radical care?

Are you still able to find joy in things? Enjoy certain moments in life?

And btw ,there's nothing wrong with wishing things were just fucking easy for once! I remember screaming that repeatedly at times, often over something minor, because I was already exhausted by the big stuff. Like come on, give me a fucking break!

I agree with you OP. Despite the 'everybody is suffering something' comments, there are people who seemingly sail through life and (this is the point that a lot of people are passing over) for them a seemingly small thing to you or I is an absolute disaster, as they have never had to cope with anything more.
(I could reel off all of the bad shit that has happened to me but don't feel the need to appease the naysayers, so won't, but trust me, I do understand.)
I will say this: I haven't gotten over some of the things that have happened, but I've finally lost my bitterness as things have become a bit better. I hope the same happens for you.

I'm learning, slowly, that you have what happens to you externally, and then how you deal with it internally,and you don't usually have a choice with the external experience but you do with the internal experience. You can choose how to interpret things and view your life.

And I say this as someone who has had the most Godawful past 18 months with a lot of pain and trauma which took me to the brink. Yet today I choose to be happy.

I think it's fair to say 'why me' when you seem to have a disproportionate amount of shit in your life. It's ok to have a big whinge or cry to close friends. But it also isn't helpful- I don't mean that in a judgment way, it just doesn't help you deal with what you have to deal with.

I can write my life story two ways- in one you would think I was a privileged princess with no worries, in the other you would be astonished I'm still standing. Both are true and both are me. You have to play the hand you are dealt and it doesn't help comparing all your worst bits to others best bits. I'd look to make your life easier where you can and focus on what helps you and your family the most. I'm sorry you are doing it so tough - spend your energy on what you can to make your burdens easier to bear

This sounds so hard. I’m sorry you’ve been through this. It all sounds exhausting and I am thinking about what support you can put in place for yourself? Yes, everyone has stresses but not everyone goes through what you go through.

i have two friends who I would say have been through the same amount of (different trauma) but it has affected them very differently. The one who seems to cope better has therapy, sports clubs, connects with friends more, her partner has therapy etc the one who find life very hard does none of these things.

@Meadowfinch - not meaning to minimise, I'm sure that was a really challenging time and I'm sorry other parents made you feel that way, but I'm not talking about material stuff like 'new houses and cars', really. Quite a few of my friends are significantly wealthier and more successful than me also - but it's the real life and death stuff that I'm talking about here.

Why does what happens or doesn't happen to others affect you?

For fucks sake, that’s not what she’s saying!

The OP asked how you stop yourself from becoming bitter when it seems that a disproportionate amount of shit happens to you compared with other people you know!

This. Trees & water.

I can tick everything on your list bar one (although I think it's the hardest 💐) but have a couple of others to substitute.

I think grief in childhood/as a young person has meant I appreciate being happy so so much more than some & I am grateful for every good thing no matter how small.

I don't have lots of friends to compare myself with though so maybe that's another good thing 😁

Yes exactly.

Having bad luck is hard to deal with.

I totally get what you are saying op. I have a friend who has experienced a lot of bad luck in life and she tries very hard to stay positive and have a buoyant attitude to things, but it's hard and she tells me about it. I know in her case it has helped to experience Art in different forms - theatre, cinema, galleries. I think it distracts at one level and also on a deeper level reminds someone they are not alone in the world.

@Sneakybusiness - thank you. Interesting how one of your friends copes better than the other through those methods, and I will remember that. I am usually one of life's copers (probably because I've had to be!) but what happened last week has just pushed me a bit over the edge. I can't help but ask why things seem so imbalanced....

@vipersnest1 - thank you for understanding. It's not easy...

Maybe your friends and other people have just as much trauma, but deal with it differently, its also self fulfilling, you think something bad, act like victim, you'll be a victim. Just talking generally, but if you expect something to fail, it will.

But if you become bitter, you attract bitterness then its self fullfilling.

Get yourself out, nature, trees, water and I know this sounds really simple but I really find every night before I go to bed, I do 5 things I am grateful for. Also always have something in the diary to look forward to.