To ask for your tips in not becoming bitter?

[pomegranaterouge]

Namechanged.

Anyone else seem to have a disproportionately unfair amount of 'bad shit' happen to them compared to their friends? I try to keep perspective - I frequently remind myself that I'm not living in a war zone, my children are alive, I'm not crossing the channel on a small boat, I don't have terminal cancer...

HOWEVER, it feels like I've had (and continue to have) a far, far more challenging and stressful life than pretty much everyone I know! Think - early and sudden death of parent, severe mental illness of sibling, wider family estrangement, one of my dc has a serious medical condition etc etc. Among all this there's been some less serious, but still highly stressful 'challenges' around money, career, DH's family, my own health and more.

Among my (admittedly privileged) group of lovely friends, I've had the roughest time by a long, long way. Yet ANOTHER very stressful thing happened to me earlier this week (I won't go into details as it's all quite raw and traumatic still) and I feel like shaking my fist at the sky.

I adore my friends who are very supportive, but sometimes I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and hide away, rather than be this person who they inevitably have sympathy for again and again and again.

I also feel jealous about the relative ease of their lives compared to mine - and worry I am becoming bitter and exhausted. I don't want to be. Can anyone relate, and can anyone help?

@SunflowersAndSquash - agree with your agreement (!), and so sorry for what you went through.

@Bohomovies - thank you too. I try to practice gratitude - big things and small things, but having had a really awful thing happen last week, I am struggling a bit with the idea of that. It wouldn't have even really occurred to me to be grateful for what we then lost, if that makes sense, as it was so unexpectedly bad!

I don't know tbh.
When particularly crappy things happened in my life I did think "why me" (although not usually "why not them").

And whilst most people have some crappy things, others do seem to have more than their fair share.

Some people have a more positive attitude than others, and can seem as though everything is hunky dorey but underneath it's a shitshow.

Appreciate the good things that do happen in your life, rather than dwelling on the bad.
Try to change the things that can be changed and which you have the capacity to address.
Accept the things that can't be changed as challenges you just have to deal with in life.

I hope you have some good things in your life as well.

So why should it happen to your friends and not you? That is what you're saying you would rather your friends have the trauma than you.

As I said in the Rebecca Adlington quote, if every time something good happens, do you question why its happened to you?

Also I do think when you're already upset or traumatised by something major, even minor things can be escalated emotionally so it does seem that everyone is against you. When in reality, its just life.

She's saying if very bad things have to happen, why can't they be shared equally among people.

Hope that clears it up.

@SunFlowersAndSquash in no way i suggested that negative attitude causes bad things to happen or that victims of SA or other violence are to blame.

For me personally, the things i wrote ring true. They dont need to ring true for you. I have gone through a lot as well. Deaths, illness and trauma. Latest being an abusive marriage and extreme manipulation and control. But I'm learning. Mostly about self-love, non judgement of self and others, boundaries and acceptance, wishing good things for myself and others. That's all.

I win in my friendship group and amongst most because my DD died a few years ago. I am recovering from a very bad issue with my back currently and in a lot of pain still and was born with a scoliosis that plays up sometimes. I almost died from other stuff as a child and spent a lot of time in hospital, I was also not my Mothers favourite at all. I am still never bitter because I owe it to everyone who died too young who never got the chance of life good or bad. I had this mindset before when my friend at schools sister died aged 17. When I started to feel upset or angry I used to think Suzanne never even had the chance to be sad, stressed or angry let alone happy.

day by day, apricate your blessings and then i go from there

@Lanzarotelady - of course I'm not saying I would rather my friends suffer the trauma than me! As I was careful to point out in my OP, there will always be people who have to endure more than others - and as an educated, privileged woman I am aware I am much, much 'luckier' than many others around the world. I know this and try to remember that.

However, in my own lived experience, within my circle of close friends - I have suffered a lot more than they have - that is fact and there's no 'reason' for this, of course. Life isn't fair - I know that. But I am exhausted, and struggling, and was wondering if others could relate to my position...

They probably are, people deal with things differently and like I said, I think when you're already upset or traumatised by something major, even minor things can be escalated emotionally so it does seem that everyone is against you. When in reality, its just life.

I think when you're feeling like this, you feel the whole world is against you, and even something as silly as the milk being off and ruining your coffee, its easy to think the whole world is against me, but in reality, if it happened a week later you could laugh it off.
I also think when you do feel like this, its healthy to indulge it, sulk, cry etc and then think tomorrow is another day.

@ViciousCurrentBun - I am so, so sorry for your loss. There's nothing else to say, there are no words to articulate the tragedy of what you've been through in losing your child. Thank you for taking the time to post.

Really sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through OP. It sounds incredibly difficult. I’m sorry you had something else happen this week too.

A practice I’ve found really helpful is practicing self-compassion based on Dr Kristin Neff’s research. It’s not about feeling sorry for yourself, it’s about acknowledging the reality and impact of what you’ve been through and finding the strength to keep moving forward, without being consumed by what’s going on with/for other people. https://www.selfcompassion.org (I think - worth googling). There’s lots of audios of varying lengths so it’s easy to fit in some listens if you’re in the thick of dealing with something else.

sending you unmumsnetty hugs x

Hi OP, in terms of offloading, is there any way you can connect with other people who have been in a similar boat to you or have shared some of your challenges? There are often supportive Facebook groups dedicated to certain topics or struggles and it's a good way to connect. I wonder if this would help with your need to offload and reduce the worry you get about always being the one needing sympathy from your friends? Even if your friends are wonderful and sympathetic I do get it, sometimes you don't want to burden them and want to share with others that get it. X

No I don't think average.

Statistically most people's parents don't die early (average life expectancy tells us this), most people don't have a sibling with serious mental illness (although mental illness is common most is at the milder end), most people are not estranged from wider family, and the vast majority of children don't have a serious medical condition.

So having all of those is going to be statistically uncommon.

I get you OP, it’s hard when it seems like other people get all the good luck and you get the scraps.

I find it’s easier to think, life isn’t fair. There’s no such thing as karma as I know people who really didn’t deserve anything that’s happened to them. It’s a series of unfortunate events that I had no control over. It’s no one’s fault if they have experienced good or bad “fate” in most situations.

There has been some studies recently about positive thinking and well being etc. I have been trying to see more positives in the world but it’s a hard slog on some days. On down days allow yourself to be sad, angry, eat chocolate and rest. But I tend to set myself a limit (just for today) and then I need to put my big girl pants on. Saying three things you can be grateful for each day is a good way to stop resentment too.

It’s been interesting a few times that people think I have it all together, had an easy life as I haven’t disclosed or i tend to minimise what’s happened. I quite happy if I can give off that vibe at times, means I’m not letting it all define me as a person.

Firstly, you are right op. Some people's lives are simply easier than others. Looking at friends of mine who have suffered devastating losses they do all kinds of things to deal with their pain. A friend's daughter died of cancer aged 12. She has thrown herself into really tough long-distance cycling trips. Has met lots of new people and is working to improve her skills. She will constantly carry her grief and loss but is also carving out a life for herself separate from the grief and loss. It sounds like you are identifying with the difficulties in your life in a way that you are them and they are you. You might find it useful to detach yourself. One way to do that is to say out loud I am not my ... then go through all the difficulties. I am not my child's illness, I am not the difficulty I experienced last week, I am not my....etc.

Good and bad things are absolutely not shared equally. Life is very random and the luck is unevenly distributed.

To be honest, this sounds like victim blaming. You sound as though these traumatic events happened to OP because she acted like a victim.

In your first post you acknowledge several ways in which you have been luckier than many other human beings, but you've made friends with a group of relatively protected people and compare yourself unfavourably to them, which is a recipe for unhappiness and discontent. Isn't somebody always going to be the least fortunate member of any friendship group? In this case it's you, but would you be happier spending time with others who have had more stress and sadness in their lives such as early bereavement and sickness of loved ones? If so, you could join support groups and spend time with people who feel more similar to you.

I felt like you for a long time OP.
The only thing that has helped me is time… and therapy!
I started off well in life but then a lot of traumatic ‘stuff’ happened one thing after another, and then again. I felt like I was going mad. Had a couple of breakdowns, one I would class as severe.
It was very strange for me as lockdown actually helped me. For all sorts of health reasons I’m not very mobile, don’t do crowds, and for so long felt FOMO. Then my friends had to sort of adapt to my pace a little more.
(I appreciate lockdown was generally rubbish though and had had some awful downsides!)
I am well into my 50’s now and my opinion has changed. A simpler life has made me happy. A smaller home is easier to care for.
Sadly, even me my friends who have had charmed lives are now in some way caring for parents, and illnesses like dementia don’t care who they care to visit.
I do agree that some people seem to just have luck go with them.
But I also know that some awful traumas taught me some valuable lessons which have made me understand life more.
Not sure if that is of any use to you!

I absolutely relate to this.
I feel like I am a very unlucky person.
Have two chronic illnesses, single which I don't mind but it means that financially I can't afford to move out so am stuck at home and that I also feel judged. Am the least favourite in my family and the scapegoat. Estranged from most of the extended family. Friends have all screwed me over.
I've definitely not been born under a golden star and it is hard not to feel bitter. People always say that the kindness and love you give out to the world will come back to you. This is laughable. I have found it to be the total opposite. Some of the most horrible and selfish people I know have amazing lives.
Working hard and being a good person doesn't mean you will have a good life.
I know women my age who work easy part time jobs but live in lovely homes and are treated like a princess by their husbands. They have good health, supportive families and friends and I would do anything to be them.
So no advice but you are not alone in feeling like this x

Poorly worded on my part, however I do believe in self fulfilling prophecy, if you expect things to go wrong, then that will happen, you put yourself in that situation. This is not aimed at the OP but talking in general

I agree with the other posters that therapy helps. It is not as simple as just changing your mindset to see the positive side of things.

The book The Body Keeps the Score points out that someone who has already experienced trauma is more likely to expérience it again. This is particularly true if the person has childhood trauma.

Too many traumatic events make the world seem a fundamentally unsafe place. This makes it impossible to write a gratude journal because that awakens the fear that what you are grateful for will be taken away.

It's probably easy for me to say because I seemed to get most of the shit out of the way early on in life. My childhood, teenage years and early 20s were horrid. Sometimes I'm surprised I'm still here, definitely considered not being at times. So gratitude works for me. I've got a life that years ago I could only dream of. I try to not take anything for granted. Food, heating, a soak in the bath, clean clothes...

If all else fails I find getting outside for a walk always helps.