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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is exclusionary?

140 replies

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:18

My DC attend a fantastic state primary. The head is like a pseudo mum to every DC in the school and the teachers are, so far at least, fab. Down to earth & approachable, like the head. There's absolutely no backstory or history, it's just this one issue that I need to know if I'm being ridiculous about. I guess this is more AIBR than AIBU!

The PTA. Now, if I was to guess I'd say a good 70% (if not more) of the parents at the school just happen to be middle class, given the area. Plenty of sports cars & Bentleys etc (I'm not saying any of this out of resentment btw as I've grown up round here and it's a fairly frequent sight). It is what it is, you get that in many areas. I helped out the PTA once and they're alllll clearly very wealthy people. All of them.

Trouble is, I regularly think they forget that this is, after all is said & done, a bloody state school! Not a private school. So not everyone is wealthy and still quite a few kids (my DC included due to my disabilities), receive pupil premium. Again, it is what it is. Our situation has arisen since DC arrived and was entirely unavoidable and not of my doing. Hence why DC go to state school and not private school.

Here's the issue - Twice a year, the PTA put on this 'Ball' for £60 a ticket and the flyer says this is open to all parents & staff. £60!

So obviously those of us who can’t justify £60 on a school event, don't buy a ticket. We just have to see the photos on social media of the staff, PTA & other wealthy parents posing in ball gowns at the local very prestigious 'hall'. It has an air of "This is what you're missing out on, paupers!" - I'm not the only parent to feel like this, btw. A few have commented on how exclusionary it is.
Also, this is whilst us 'paupers' get a £2.50 kids disco in the school hall and a bag of crisps. AIBR?!

I know I'll simply be declared 'jealous' by narrow minded posters looking for a pile on, but it's not about jealousy! It's so much more than that. I could afford to attend without much issue but I would never, ever attend any school event that excluded other parents based on cost. Even if I was driving around in a Bentley instead of my KIA!

OP posts:
EmberAsh · 04/10/2024 23:17

Unless you're in the PTA and willing to organise an alternative, then I don't think you should judge quite so harshly. I can understand why they stick with what they know.

Original poster
DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 23:17

@80smonster I've already asked the headteacher and one member of the PTA who both confirmed what I've said. The fact that it makes no sense is precisely why I've posted this thread 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
qualifiedazure · 04/10/2024 23:17

PTA members generally give up a lot of time and effort to raise money for the school without much thanks and with lots of non-volunteers sniping about every decision - so when it comes to social events I reckon they should just pick whatever suits them.

80smonster · 04/10/2024 23:19

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 23:17

@80smonster I've already asked the headteacher and one member of the PTA who both confirmed what I've said. The fact that it makes no sense is precisely why I've posted this thread 🤦🏻‍♀️

Where is the ticket money paid? To whom? Directly to the venue?

Original poster
DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 23:21

qualifiedazure · 04/10/2024 23:17

PTA members generally give up a lot of time and effort to raise money for the school without much thanks and with lots of non-volunteers sniping about every decision - so when it comes to social events I reckon they should just pick whatever suits them.

They do bugger all! At this school at least. The host two bake sales a year and two preloved uniforms sales. That's it. Nothing else. Nada. I know this because 4 months after we joined the school I heard the PTA mentioned and I didn't know there was one so I asked how often they do fundraisers, thinking we'd missed something!

So them being wealthy means they can pick whatever they like and sod the poor people? Wow.

OP posts:
bows101 · 04/10/2024 23:23

It's basically an excuse for a posh piss up then
Very pretentious
And yes not inclusive at all. Our PTA is the opposite, quite a high proportion of wealthy/MC parents but like to make a point of the lower income families. Even to the point if you can't afford the 50p cake sale, just take one at discretion

qualifiedazure · 04/10/2024 23:25

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 23:21

They do bugger all! At this school at least. The host two bake sales a year and two preloved uniforms sales. That's it. Nothing else. Nada. I know this because 4 months after we joined the school I heard the PTA mentioned and I didn't know there was one so I asked how often they do fundraisers, thinking we'd missed something!

So them being wealthy means they can pick whatever they like and sod the poor people? Wow.

Show quote history

Why don't you join if you have so many better ideas?

teatimelover · 04/10/2024 23:28

LuluBlakey1 · 04/10/2024 22:56

I can't think of a much worse night out- except a hen night. I just wouldn't go anyway.

Same. Those who do go either attend with longstanding friends in the school or for networking or future donation prospects. Other than that we have the same thing every year at our state school and I couldn't imagine anything worse to do on a Friday evening. I would rather spend my child free evening which I would have to arrange childcare to attend the event but would rather have some me time in a local McDonalds car park than spend that time wearing a ball gown wearing heels and hanging out with the school teachers and PTA.

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 23:29

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 23:04

@StormingNorman Where did I say I wanted a near to free event? You've just made that up! Grin

If you want something that doesn’t exclude anyone, it is going to have to cost virtually nothing for all parents to participate. So I didn’t make up anything. You just haven’t thought through what you want.

If you don’t want something everyone can attend but want something better than a disco for yourself then you need to be realistic; you want a semi-exclusive event so that you’re not left with squash and jam sandwiches in the school hall with the plebs.

80smonster · 04/10/2024 23:29

I’ve read some bizarre posts on MN, but this has really set a new bar. If the PTA was running cash for this event through its books, OP could report them to the charity commission, which is why what is being described is highly irregular, illegal some would say.

stichguru · 04/10/2024 23:29

Honestly the PTA are just a group of people who volunteer to do things to help the school. The ball sounds like what they do as a thank you to themselves throughout the year, that they then open to other parents because a ball with just them would be a bit crappy! Bit narrow minded to run something that you intend to "open up" to other parents without thinking about the financial situations of the those people. The fact remains though it is run by them and for them (i.e. not something the school have asked them to do) so they are free to do what they want.

YourLastNerve · 04/10/2024 23:29

why the need for ballgowns silver service 9 course meal at a stately hall?!

No way did anyone get 9 course silver service at a stately hall for £60 a head! Exaggeration

YourLastNerve · 04/10/2024 23:31

Willling to bet op is wrong and there's some money raising element in there.

TheaBrandt · 04/10/2024 23:35

Organise a night out to McDonald’s then. If you dont want to go / can’t afford it then don’t go. I have zero sympathy with people that whine about ptas. Dont like it you do it then.

80smonster · 04/10/2024 23:36

YourLastNerve · 04/10/2024 23:31

Willling to bet op is wrong and there's some money raising element in there.

Yeah, no headteacher or governor would allow this to happen, the PTA could be struck off by the charity commission too. OP hasn’t answered my question about where the ticket money goes either. The only legitimate way would be for each parent to pay the venue directly, thus it isn’t a PTA event at all, just a parent get together. That I could believe.

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 23:37

The £60 probably covers venue and catering but there is 100% some fundraising. The PTA would have to be complete fools not to.

Drinks, raffle, charity auction, envelopes on the table and conversations about larger gifts.

MattSmithsBowTie · 04/10/2024 23:40

They’d have to pay me £60 to go to something like that!

Gogogo12345 · 04/10/2024 23:43

£60 is cheap though

Cherry8809 · 04/10/2024 23:44

I think it sounds like they’ve made an effort to plan a lovely event, and if there’s food included I think it would be worth the money.

mrsCtheRed · 04/10/2024 23:45

I'm sorry OP, I really don't understand what you're complaining about. Genuinely.

The PTA organise a ball, which you have no interest in attending, but you're not happy about, because of the ticket price? Because not everyone can afford that price....?

I'm sorry OP, but that's life🤷🏽‍♀️
Lots of my friends, family, acquaintances etc attend parties, races, days out every year.
Should none of them do this because not every person they know can afford it??

If we all followed that logic, nobody in the world would ever do anything or go anywhere, as we all know somebody worse off than ourselves....

stichguru · 04/10/2024 23:50

"So them being wealthy means they can pick whatever they like and sod the poor people?" Nothing to do with wealthy or poor. They are volunteers running an event to celebrate their work, no one except them, needs to have a say in what that event is.

Edingril · 04/10/2024 23:51

So you are not interested won't go on principle but want to control ot for everyone else?

Life is not matched the way everyone wants, go or not it is up to you it really is that simple

WillimNot · 04/10/2024 23:56

I agree @DoNOTShakeItOff it's exclusionary and designed to be like that hence it doesn't raise money for the school.

At my DCs infant school, it was very divided by very well off and not very well off.

The PTA was invite only.

I spoke to the head of it and she said they didn't need any more members as it was a small school with a small committee.

Then a week later the PTA announced two new mums had been "selected" to join.

One of my fellow non-posh mums told me it was because they were snobs who didn't allow anyone with PP, or who rented their house, join. Which included me. They were crashing snobs.

What made me laugh was eventually one of them had an affair with the husband of the head of the PTA. It was all such a scandal. Us scummy Mums as we called ourselves laughed. We used to all meet up for drinks as the anti PTA.

The snobbery of mum groups in affluent areas is astounding

TempestTost · 04/10/2024 23:57

stichguru · 04/10/2024 23:29

Honestly the PTA are just a group of people who volunteer to do things to help the school. The ball sounds like what they do as a thank you to themselves throughout the year, that they then open to other parents because a ball with just them would be a bit crappy! Bit narrow minded to run something that you intend to "open up" to other parents without thinking about the financial situations of the those people. The fact remains though it is run by them and for them (i.e. not something the school have asked them to do) so they are free to do what they want.

Tis isn't the case though. The PTA is not normally going to be free to do what they want.

They usually have a mission and that doesn't include running a fun PTA ball for certain sections of the parents. They are supposed to be doing fundraising. They might also argue that it's appropriate to do an event for school spirit or to being together the school community.

This event doesn't seem to make sense for either of those.

80smonster · 04/10/2024 23:59

This entire post is bonkers, PTA school discos are usually just for the kids, not for parents (or paupers as OP describes them). Why would a parent want to attend a school disco?