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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is exclusionary?

140 replies

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:18

My DC attend a fantastic state primary. The head is like a pseudo mum to every DC in the school and the teachers are, so far at least, fab. Down to earth & approachable, like the head. There's absolutely no backstory or history, it's just this one issue that I need to know if I'm being ridiculous about. I guess this is more AIBR than AIBU!

The PTA. Now, if I was to guess I'd say a good 70% (if not more) of the parents at the school just happen to be middle class, given the area. Plenty of sports cars & Bentleys etc (I'm not saying any of this out of resentment btw as I've grown up round here and it's a fairly frequent sight). It is what it is, you get that in many areas. I helped out the PTA once and they're alllll clearly very wealthy people. All of them.

Trouble is, I regularly think they forget that this is, after all is said & done, a bloody state school! Not a private school. So not everyone is wealthy and still quite a few kids (my DC included due to my disabilities), receive pupil premium. Again, it is what it is. Our situation has arisen since DC arrived and was entirely unavoidable and not of my doing. Hence why DC go to state school and not private school.

Here's the issue - Twice a year, the PTA put on this 'Ball' for £60 a ticket and the flyer says this is open to all parents & staff. £60!

So obviously those of us who can’t justify £60 on a school event, don't buy a ticket. We just have to see the photos on social media of the staff, PTA & other wealthy parents posing in ball gowns at the local very prestigious 'hall'. It has an air of "This is what you're missing out on, paupers!" - I'm not the only parent to feel like this, btw. A few have commented on how exclusionary it is.
Also, this is whilst us 'paupers' get a £2.50 kids disco in the school hall and a bag of crisps. AIBR?!

I know I'll simply be declared 'jealous' by narrow minded posters looking for a pile on, but it's not about jealousy! It's so much more than that. I could afford to attend without much issue but I would never, ever attend any school event that excluded other parents based on cost. Even if I was driving around in a Bentley instead of my KIA!

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 04/10/2024 22:32

ChairmanMeowww · 04/10/2024 22:30

Yes I agree, maybe the ticket price covers costs but surely there’s an auction, raffle, money spent on the night on drinks etc to raise money? Why would they just put on a ball for parents and teachers?

Show quote history

Quite. We are now financially comfortable but when dc were at primary they hosted different events and we chose what to support based on interest in the event and cost.

MumChp · 04/10/2024 22:33

£60 tickets at state school is bonkers!

Original poster
DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:34

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/10/2024 22:31

Yabu…

£60 is honestly about the cost of any average night out

You could find the money to attend once a year if you wanted…

But it's not a night out, it's a school event! It's also a state school not a private school so why the need for ballgowns silver service 9 course meal at a stately hall?!

OP posts:
worcesterpear · 04/10/2024 22:34

I agree that is ridiculous for a state school. It is unimaginable that it would happen at any school in my area and yes, not very inclusive.

Mainoo72 · 04/10/2024 22:35

So because a few parents can’t afford it, no one is allowed to enjoy it? It’s such a miserable approach. If it includes food, it sounds great to me.

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/10/2024 22:36

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:34

But it's not a night out, it's a school event! It's also a state school not a private school so why the need for ballgowns silver service 9 course meal at a stately hall?!

Show quote history

9 courses for £60 and you dine in a stately hall?!?

that is an absolute bargain!

MumChp · 04/10/2024 22:37

Mainoo72 · 04/10/2024 22:35

So because a few parents can’t afford it, no one is allowed to enjoy it? It’s such a miserable approach. If it includes food, it sounds great to me.

It would be £180 for our family. Tbh I wouldn't spend that even we can.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 04/10/2024 22:39

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:34

But it's not a night out, it's a school event! It's also a state school not a private school so why the need for ballgowns silver service 9 course meal at a stately hall?!

Show quote history

So what price is ok?

Original poster
DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:39

I don't have much in my life and I don't just mean in a materialistic context. I've lost a lot of what matters, so my principles & my morals mean quite a lot to me. I will absolutely get annoyed if I see injustice or inequality (stupid I know) and this has just got me annoyed as everything else at that school is spot on!

Perhaps I should become a local politician in my next life!

OP posts:
Original poster
DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:40

Mainoo72 · 04/10/2024 22:35

So because a few parents can’t afford it, no one is allowed to enjoy it? It’s such a miserable approach. If it includes food, it sounds great to me.

I never said they shouldn't do it! You're putting words in my mouth. It should be something within reach of everyone....

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 22:42

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:32

It definitely does not raise money for the school as they had a huge debate about it and decided that doing so would make the price even higher so they turned it into 'The Big (School name) Night Out'

Rich people - ball
Poor people- disco

What would you like them to do?

Original poster
DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:44

@StormingNorman As I've just said, plan something more realistic and more within reach for everyone. Yes it's probably difficult to put a price on what everyone can afford but Ballgowns?!?! Come on, that's not necessary.

Yes, actual ballgowns!

OP posts:
TempestTost · 04/10/2024 22:45

TemuSpecialBuy · 04/10/2024 22:36

9 courses for £60 and you dine in a stately hall?!?

that is an absolute bargain!

Show quote history

Yes, that seems a little improbable.

Octavia64 · 04/10/2024 22:47

If the purpose is fundraising then making it accessible to parents isn't the point.

Eg my school did an auction of promises. The point was to raise money. The tickets cost money, the drinks cost money and you paid in the auction for the promises.

If the purpose isn't fundraising then I don't see why they are doing it.

Most pta events are either fundraising or for the students (eg year 6 disco)

Original poster
DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:47

Whether it's a bargain or not, is not really the point, is it?

I must admit, it is easy to tell for whom £60 is mere pocket change, on this thread! That's for sure.

OP posts:
TempestTost · 04/10/2024 22:48

I would argue that if it isn't a fundraiser in some way, the event isn't really what the PTA should be doing. They could be doing a fundraiser, instead they are apparently planning a ball.

I would also say that if there is a desire for a school social event it should be at a price point that is accessible to the vast majority of families.

TempestTost · 04/10/2024 22:49

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:47

Whether it's a bargain or not, is not really the point, is it?

I must admit, it is easy to tell for whom £60 is mere pocket change, on this thread! That's for sure.

It makes your story seem incredible. You can't have a ball with a nine course meal at that price. I wouldn't afford it either but I know what things cost.

Musclebeach · 04/10/2024 22:50

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:39

I don't have much in my life and I don't just mean in a materialistic context. I've lost a lot of what matters, so my principles & my morals mean quite a lot to me. I will absolutely get annoyed if I see injustice or inequality (stupid I know) and this has just got me annoyed as everything else at that school is spot on!

Perhaps I should become a local politician in my next life!

OP you sounds a bit sanctimonious to be honest.

You also like telling us that YOU can afford it but you are flexing your superior morals in support of the poor people (which isn’t you, you are on pupil premium by circumstance that is out of your control) then being all bashful about your fights for equality “stupid I know”, whilst basking in the glory of someone fighting the good fight for others.

Maybe put that immense righteous anger towards championing something more worthy than moaning about a school PYA

Most of the parents who can’t afford it or choose not to go likely don’t give a shiny shit what the others get up to.

DoreenonTill8 · 04/10/2024 22:51

Mainoo72 · 04/10/2024 22:35

So because a few parents can’t afford it, no one is allowed to enjoy it? It’s such a miserable approach. If it includes food, it sounds great to me.

This, I really can't stand the use of 'exclusionary' when it's really a 'wahhh! They're doing something that doesn't centre me, STOP THEM!!!'

Maria1979 · 04/10/2024 22:51

For some people 60£ is nothing, for some it is several days of eating. I agree that a state school should not encourage this.

SwanRivers · 04/10/2024 22:51

£60 works out at just over £1 per week over a year if parents/pupils want to save up for it.

Local Facebook groups are literally giving away prom dresses and shoes etc, after their kids are finished with them.

And NINE courses for £60 is an utter bargain.

Ella31 · 04/10/2024 22:52

DoNOTShakeItOff · 04/10/2024 22:47

Whether it's a bargain or not, is not really the point, is it?

I must admit, it is easy to tell for whom £60 is mere pocket change, on this thread! That's for sure.

Thats very unkind. You have no idea here what people's financial positions are and many people prioritise different things.

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/10/2024 22:53

If it was for the kids I would take your point but its not. Either go or don't go. I wouldn't even if it was £6 on the basis that it sounds like an awful evening. Who wants to hang out with teachers and the PTA?

There's no injustice, just a massive chip on your shoulder.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2024 22:53

OP you sounds a bit sanctimonious to be honest.

A bit 😂

OP, as is usually said on this sort of thread, if you think they’re doing a bad job by all means get stuck in with your better ideas.

FranceIsWhereItsAt · 04/10/2024 22:53

I think OP if you're on the committee, then it's your job to make them aware that this is unfair on people who don't have that sort of money for a night out. What exactly is the reason for this ball, if it's not to raise money for the school? If you don't know, then make a point of asking. Then in your shoes, I would be asking how they can advertise an event like this as being open to all parents and teachers, when there are some in the school, who are unable to afford a disco, let alone £60 for a night out. Point out, that not everyone is in the lucky position that they are, if they don't know your circumstances and you don't want to advertise it, you could say the same position as we are, which may make you seem more 'one of them' if you get my meaning, hence they're perhaps more likely to listen, than think you're out for a freebie. Maybe you could do some research beforehand, and see if you can come up with some other ideas, at a price that you think to be more affordable, and then you can make some suggestions at the same time as putting your point forward?