Partner does crime and borderline alcoholic

[Drh94]

Hi,
I’ll try and keep this as short and sweet as possible.
met my partner 2022. Fell pregnant quickly. Already had child from previous. He has 2 he does not see.
he drinks a lot. He is an Irish traveller. He commits crime which he is going to be facing the consequences for. He has been abusive towards me from about 4 months into my pregnancy. I’m currently 8 months pregnant with my second for him and 3rd child.
he blames me for absolutely everything that goes wrong. He gambles a lot. He gets medication as he pretends he suffers with mental health and takes a whole packet of Diazapam in one go which usually triggers him to go drinking and commit crime (stealing etc)
he has been leaving me every month first it was a couple of days then it stretched to a week at first I used to be in bits about it but now I don’t care and when he turns up at my door I usually send him away as he’s been gone drinking for the entire duration and doing whatever he does so he can be gone for up to 2 weeks.
my family ask me is this what I want. It’s obviously not but then he says that they are just taking my side. I had an education and job when I met him but he has just pretty much destroyed my life making me have babies which I didn’t really want but he did (do not regret them whatsoever) but life will obviously be tougher for me now. I’m due a Csection in a month I have no one to come with me because we are either going to be broken up or he will be in jail as I’ve told him he has just ruined the relationship.
I stay home every single day I cook clean and look after children he does as he pleases. AIBU to leave. I don’t know why it hurts as I know there isn’t much goodness in my relationship i just wish he would change as he promises when he returns but he just does the same again. Any advice on being a single mom to three. How you managed school runs. How you managed being first floor flat with a 2 year old a newborn and an 8 year old. How you managed getting back into work (as I said I have an education which is quite high and have just fell into a rut thinking I won’t cope)
I’m not sure if I’ve posted to the right place but I just wanted some advice and let me know if I was wrong for asking him to stop drinking as he drinks to excess and has been abusive whilst drunk many times (I’ve had to get the police to him - he says me asking him to stop is me controlling him) he’s never worked a day in his 33 years of life and has been to prison many times before I knew him as the only way he believes he can get some income is by being a criminal.
sorry if it all just seems like waffle. There’s 2.5 years to unpack and so much more I could say I have just tried to throw everything in in one. Thanks for reading if you got this far lol.

Dont let him destroy your one precious life. You’re stronger than you realise. You can do it alone. Doesn’t sound like a positive role model for those babies.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It reminds me of my relationship with my ex, and you deserve so much better than this. Do you think he truly loves you ? Being a single parent can be really, really hard. But I will say this about that- it was massively worse trying to be a good, happy, calm parent while putting up with a toxic relationship.
It hurt when I walked away, but mine and my DSs life is so much better for it, and I only wish I had done it sooner, and had a chance of improving our circumstances when I was still young, and given my son a better childhood free of that stress and pain, and everything he had to witness. Often we are so much stronger than we think. I wish you the very best of luck x

OP: he will not change.

You really must leave him.

This is a terrible, terrible life for your 8 year old, a man who drinks, who is abusive, in court etc. And the damage will very soon impact your 2 year old.

And you deserve much better.

You will manage better without him. You are an experienced Mum, you are intelligent and educated, you will manage by being resourceful and resilient and most of all FREE.

Your eldest will be at school lots of the time. Talk to your midwife and health visitor for support. Get a sling for your baby and hold your toddlers hand down the stairs.

Tell your family that you absolutely do not want him and that you need their help.

You can do this OP, rescue yourself and look forwards.

You are already a single mother. This guy brings absolutely nothing good to your life . Only trouble , grief and a terrible atmosphere for your kids . As an Irish Traveller , women are low on the priority list , you being a non Traveller will have you even lower . No respect or decency in him. What on earth attracted you to this horrible man on the first place ? Dump him completely and get on with your life as it can only get better.

OP you talk about the reason for not separating as being worried about doing it all on your own - but it sounds like you already are doing it all on your own? You're dealing with the children, the house, all the adult responsibilities, as well as trying to 'manage' him.
Honestly, if you separate it sounds like your life will get easier - you'll no longer have to be responsible for him, his moods, his drinking or his money issues.
Please try and seek support to get away from this man. He's dragging you down.

Oh love this sounds awful. I believe there's specific help for survivors of DV from traveller backgrounds. You need professional help please seek proper help for the sake of your babies. There's other traveller ladies who have escaped and moved on please research this x

He has been like this for 33 years, why would he change now? Your children are seeing him as a role model. Is that the life you want for them?

For now you might need to rely on benefits but soon you will be able to get a job. The eldest will be able to stay home alone in a couple of years which will ease things for you. While on benefits you can get help with childcare. Hopefully he will soon move on to someone else and he won't see your dc just as he doesn't see his older dc.

He's not going to change.
He's not going to change.
He's not going to change.
And it will get worse.

As above. Pick better next time. Nobodyvneeds to live like this and your children deserve better. He is worse than useless. Get rid of him.

I will probably get hung out to dry for saying this but how have you found yourself pregnant with his SECOND child?

I was in an extremely volatile and emotionally abusive relationship & had to flee when my DD was 5 months. It just wasn't safe, & I wouldn't or couldn't put another child in that situation. You also have an eldest which isn't his, you need to put your children first or they will grow up thinking this is normal.

How have you put up with this for so long?

Well done on not letting him move in with you, now keep him away from your DC.

Honestly are you wise in the head? 2 children already and another on the way. Feel sorry for the kids being brought into this shit show. I really hope it works out ok for you and your kids. He's not going to change so you will have to, if you want to have a decent life.

Run for yours and your childrens lifes!

OP you absolutely must end things with this man and not let him back in to your life again. Don’t worry that it’ll make things harder, your life will be so much better without him.

Talk to your midwife and health visitor. Ask your family for help. Claim all the benefits you’re allowed to and don’t worry about work just now.

You can do hard things. You already have been.

leave him.

it doesn’t matter is he loves you.
frankly it doesn’t matter if you love him.

this doesn’t sound like a happy life, and you and your children deserve more.

make space for more happiness
by getting rid of the prime source of chaos and stress.

I wish you well with your pregnancy, and caring for your family.

If you care about your children you will leave this man. Next time choose better.

You need to leave him and get counselling, he has completely manipulated you. I would also ask doctors to fit birth control after you give birth so he doesn’t convince you when you are vulnerable to have another child with him. There are lots of organisations that support women who have been in controlling relationships- please contact women’s aid or a similar organisation and they will be able to help you get supports in place for you and your children. It doesn’t sound like he offers much support to you currently so it is likely to be easier to be a single parent than your current situation.

Babe, you already are a single mum & doing these things without his help. I swear it’s going to be easier to do it all without him, I know as I’ve been there.

It doesn’t feel like it now but you’re going to be so surprised at how well you manage everything without him, how much easier it all becomes when you don’t have to deal with him, how you’re less stressed because you don’t have to worry about what he’s going to do or how he’s going to react.

You need to be strong for those kiddies, one thing that got me through it was how much I didn’t want my son to think the way his daddy acted was how you treat women, I didn’t want him thinking all these things were normal. I didn’t want him making the same mistakes as his daddy, ending up an addict, violent etc etc. I said the same to my sister who had a boy & a girl, do you want your girls to think this is what to look for in a man, this is how you should be treated as a woman? Does she want her boys to think that is how a man should treat a woman? Is the relationship what you want your kids to think is normal? Do you want this to be the role models for what mummies & daddies are like?

This type of thinking changes my life, I wish my mum had those thoughts too so the cycle didn’t continue with us two. Sadly my mum never ended the relationship with my dad for over 20 years of being treated like shit & it had a massive impact on the type of relationships us girls got into. My sister didn’t break the cycle & went from DV relationship to DV relationship. My niece is now 19 & a new mum & has social services involved because she can’t break away from her DV relationship even though she’s been warned she could have her baby taken away. They wouldn’t break the cycle so now her little boy is going to be raised the same way too. I’m going to do everything I can to help but it’s their normal now.

You don’t want this to be your kids ‘normal’ 💔

And it's these men that will wear you down, that's why you think you won't cope. It isn't true, you cope a million times better without them

Hi Op ,
I am sorry to read that you find yourself in this situation . You seem like a great Mum to the two kids that you already have and it will be tough when your little one comes along .You are already a great Mum to two , do know what you are doing .

I think it must be very difficult for you with a c section , only a month away . We often feel at our most vulnerable at this stage and when we have recently given birth .

You have however shown that you are able to love and care for the two you already have . I am sure your 8 year old will love being an older sibling again and he / she may like helping out by getting things for you .
I think you know clearly that your partners is abusive towards you and will continue to be so , as he is prioritising his addictions and not you and the children .

You have said that you are highly educated and this is a great tool that you will be able to use for your future and to make life better for you and your children .
Your priority at the moment is to keep you , your 2 children & your unborn baby safe . Can you reach out to your family / old friends for support ? I think you also need to use the next opportunity that your partner is away to seek urgent support from women's aid , your local council social work / housing department . If you have a midwife appointment speak to her and explain your situation or there will also be a contact number you have been given .

You need to get out of the situation you are in urgently or make an urgent plan as to when you can do safely .
Now is not the time to berate yourself , or let others in real life or on this thread criticise the choices you have already made . You need to move forward , not look back .

I wish you the very best of luck and happiness for you and your family .You have had the insight and intelligence to seek out support here and you can do this with support .
Take care

Leave. Bring up your children on your own. Get out of that community asap.

know there isn’t much goodness in my relationship i just wish he would change

That's not going to happen. You have two choices, either you put your kids first and get out of this toxic mess, or put up with it.

Well you know what everyone is going to say and they have said it. Ditch him; and get on with your life. And get some proper contraception in place - you cannot keep bringing more babies into this mess.

As an aside, I know that there are lots of posters on Mumsnet who are from Traveller families and it is worth saying that the stereotype of an Irish Traveller that you describe in your "partner" is not necessarily the norm. I know many Traveller families who lead decent honest lives.

Let’s hope he goes to prison kick him out of your life. He’s scum and fucking up your life and future.