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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner does crime and borderline alcoholic

103 replies

Drh94 · 04/10/2024 21:27

Hi,
I’ll try and keep this as short and sweet as possible.
met my partner 2022. Fell pregnant quickly. Already had child from previous. He has 2 he does not see.
he drinks a lot. He is an Irish traveller. He commits crime which he is going to be facing the consequences for. He has been abusive towards me from about 4 months into my pregnancy. I’m currently 8 months pregnant with my second for him and 3rd child.
he blames me for absolutely everything that goes wrong. He gambles a lot. He gets medication as he pretends he suffers with mental health and takes a whole packet of Diazapam in one go which usually triggers him to go drinking and commit crime (stealing etc)
he has been leaving me every month first it was a couple of days then it stretched to a week at first I used to be in bits about it but now I don’t care and when he turns up at my door I usually send him away as he’s been gone drinking for the entire duration and doing whatever he does so he can be gone for up to 2 weeks.
my family ask me is this what I want. It’s obviously not but then he says that they are just taking my side. I had an education and job when I met him but he has just pretty much destroyed my life making me have babies which I didn’t really want but he did (do not regret them whatsoever) but life will obviously be tougher for me now. I’m due a Csection in a month I have no one to come with me because we are either going to be broken up or he will be in jail as I’ve told him he has just ruined the relationship.
I stay home every single day I cook clean and look after children he does as he pleases. AIBU to leave. I don’t know why it hurts as I know there isn’t much goodness in my relationship i just wish he would change as he promises when he returns but he just does the same again. Any advice on being a single mom to three. How you managed school runs. How you managed being first floor flat with a 2 year old a newborn and an 8 year old. How you managed getting back into work (as I said I have an education which is quite high and have just fell into a rut thinking I won’t cope)
I’m not sure if I’ve posted to the right place but I just wanted some advice and let me know if I was wrong for asking him to stop drinking as he drinks to excess and has been abusive whilst drunk many times (I’ve had to get the police to him - he says me asking him to stop is me controlling him) he’s never worked a day in his 33 years of life and has been to prison many times before I knew him as the only way he believes he can get some income is by being a criminal.
sorry if it all just seems like waffle. There’s 2.5 years to unpack and so much more I could say I have just tried to throw everything in in one. Thanks for reading if you got this far lol.

OP posts:
StrawberryKebab · 07/10/2024 00:39

You CAN do it on your own….. you already are! Things will be so much easier as you settle down to a new life without the stress he brings to yours and your children’s lives. I would worry that the social services will get involved via police and you risk losing your children due to his violence- please leave him before it’s too late. I know it’s not easy and I totally understand, I’ve been through some of what you’re going through and I’m so glad I ended things

Namechangetotalkaboutmysleepingpillsproblem · 07/10/2024 00:42

Drh94 · 07/10/2024 00:38

Every curse comes with a blessing or every blessing comes with a curse. Whichever way you want to view it.
I hope you find a truly happy ending whether that be happy with just you or find a genuine man to live out your years with. Thank you for your kindness x

Show quote history

Thank you too x Kindness is all you deserve, and don't forget it

YouZirName · 07/10/2024 08:56

CristinaNov182 · 06/10/2024 15:49

I can’t even imagine exposing my children to these man and his abuse.

but I see you can. And you are.

the poor 8 year old, how her/his life has become a nightmare, still going on, for the last 2.5 years! Drunkenness, fights, stress..

and the poor toddler, growing up in this stress will impact their whole life!

i think you care more about this man p—-s than your kids , that’s the only explanation for me, I’m afraid.

Agreed.

Disgusting.

OurChristmasMiracle · 07/10/2024 09:15

He’s an abusive lying criminal- you can do so much better. You are already a single parent- in fact you probably have it worse because you also have him to deal with and the abuse he spews.

also the alcohol is an excuse and not the cause of
him being abusive and even if it was every time he drinks he knows this is the outcome so he is choosing to abuse you.

Please for yours and the children’s sakes leave and don’t look back.

You can and will cope!

AlwaysGinPlease · 07/10/2024 09:42

You don't respect yourself so try respecting your poor children. He's a monster. You're complicit in their suffering if you allow this to continue. I really hope SS are involved.

Candlesburn · 13/10/2024 13:42

Hi Op ,
Not sure if you are still reading this thread . Who could blame you if you aren't , as with AIBU and some of the relationship threads it starts off with kind and helpful responses . Unfortunately it then descends into judgey posters coming on who pick apart your every choice as being far from perfect .As they are obviously perfect Angry.
I just wanted to post to say that I hope that you are doing ok and taking care of yourself . I hope that all goes well for your imminent birth. FlowersFlowersFlowers

andthat · 13/10/2024 13:54

MrsSunshine2b · 06/10/2024 14:56

How did you miss the red flags when you chose an alcoholic criminal who had already abandoned 2 children? Obviously you need to leave and I feel sorry for anyone in this position but the way you describe the situation it's not as if he hid his true character and then by the time you found out who he really was you were trapped. You walked into it with eyes wide open. After you leave I think you need to work out what made you decide it was a good idea to choose a partner like this and maybe get some therapy for that.

Absolutely this.

You chose a criminal and a dead beat dad to come into your child’s life and brought two more kids into the world.

If this sounds harsh, so be it… sometimes we have to just hear the hard facts.

You can’t change the past but you can and must make better choices in the future.

Speak to all of your support networks and get the help you need to change your lives.

Original poster
Drh94 · 16/02/2025 20:50

Hello. My baby is now 3.5 months old. I’m rid of my demon and we are all happy. He’s not involved. Thank you for your kind post :)

OP posts:
Achyarms · 16/02/2025 21:14

Drh94 · 16/02/2025 20:50

Hello. My baby is now 3.5 months old. I’m rid of my demon and we are all happy. He’s not involved. Thank you for your kind post :)

So happy for you!! Well done OP you are doing wonderfully it sounds

Elsvieta · 16/02/2025 21:22

.

Candlesburn · 16/02/2025 21:25

What a lovely update . Best of luck to you and your family .

Original poster
Drh94 · 16/02/2025 21:28

Hi, I only posted to give an update to the kind posters as they helped me massively and to thank them.
I own my flat im quite highly educated so no worries for work. I’m living off savings and paying small amount of bills from them as I don’t have rent or mortgage to pay.
he did try to contact me but I just ignored. I think he got bored. I didn’t report it to the police as it would’ve been considered “ratting” and I hoped he would just disappear which he did. I was worried about the thoughts of carrying toddler and newborn down the stairs but I did it from 10 days post c section and my 8 year old said im super mom. It was tough at first but its so easy now and baby is sleeping through and easier to time the bottles with school run so its just quite peaceful now. I don’t have someone going off drinking disappeared for days, putting me down criticising me and making me unconfident.
I hope anyone in a similar position sees my post and sees that it can really do a 180 in a short few months 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
Drh94 · 16/02/2025 21:42

And any women worried about going through a c section alone. It’s empowering afterwards. It’s scary to do alone but once it’s done, knowing that you did it just gives you an immeasurable sense of strength. I was so sad getting into my taxi with my little suitcase and sitting on the ward whilst everyone was with their partners, I was also the last down so I had the longest wait. The midwives were incredible and my sister brought me and baby home as my sister in law had to watch my older two. I recovered better than I did when I had my ex with me with my first c section.
women really are incredible and God have the physical strength to the wrong sex as if he gave it to women just imagine the things we could do. Men, aside from their sperm, would be useless (haha)

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/02/2025 21:44

Really pleased for you OP, all the best for the future for you and your children x

Kendodd · 16/02/2025 21:55

The only good bit of your OP was that he doesn't see his other two kids.
Leave him OP, 100% get rid, however hard being a single mum to three kids is its going to be a lot easier than being with this bloke. Given he doesn't see his other kids hopefully he won't want to see these other two either. He will add nothing to their lives so they will be well rid as well.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/02/2025 21:59

Kendodd · 16/02/2025 21:55

The only good bit of your OP was that he doesn't see his other two kids.
Leave him OP, 100% get rid, however hard being a single mum to three kids is its going to be a lot easier than being with this bloke. Given he doesn't see his other kids hopefully he won't want to see these other two either. He will add nothing to their lives so they will be well rid as well.

She has left him- read the ops update

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 16/02/2025 22:03

What a total shitshow of a life for all these children.

No33 · 16/02/2025 22:12

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 16/02/2025 22:03

What a total shitshow of a life for all these children.

For fucks sake. Read the updates and have some empathy will you.

Such a happy update OP.

I have 2 children, single parent. Have studied, I now have a full time job that I love and I'm doing my master's. You sound incredibly strong, and you'll get back your career in time, im in no doubt about that.

Congratulations on your little one ❤️

Godasiyo · 16/02/2025 22:12

Nastyaa · 04/10/2024 23:33

I will probably get hung out to dry for saying this but how have you found yourself pregnant with his SECOND child?

I was in an extremely volatile and emotionally abusive relationship & had to flee when my DD was 5 months. It just wasn't safe, & I wouldn't or couldn't put another child in that situation. You also have an eldest which isn't his, you need to put your children first or they will grow up thinking this is normal.

How have you put up with this for so long?

It’s very easy to be ground down by an abuser. The OP is not to blame here.

newnamethanks · 16/02/2025 22:17

Well done OP, it's not easy. Get support from Women's Aid and any other safe and reliable source available to you when you feel low, please don't resort to taking up with another deadbeat for company. You and your kids deserve better. Remember it. Best wishes.

AffIt · 16/02/2025 22:28

So you've emerged from three abusive relationships - including one fella who is an Irish traveller (I think you jumped the shark there) and has been in and out of prison but you didn't know that because he moved country - have two (three?) kids (I kind of lost count), a high standard of education, own your own car and home and you're just 30, OP?

If that's true, then it's extraordinary and the best of luck to you, but this whole thing sounds like a massive pile of bollocks, TBH.

Godasiyo · 16/02/2025 22:34

AffIt · 16/02/2025 22:28

So you've emerged from three abusive relationships - including one fella who is an Irish traveller (I think you jumped the shark there) and has been in and out of prison but you didn't know that because he moved country - have two (three?) kids (I kind of lost count), a high standard of education, own your own car and home and you're just 30, OP?

If that's true, then it's extraordinary and the best of luck to you, but this whole thing sounds like a massive pile of bollocks, TBH.

It’s really not that hard to count to three and there is no need to be racist.

Notgonnalieaboutthis · 16/02/2025 22:43

Drh94 · 07/10/2024 00:11

I am very lucky. I have 2 beautiful healthy children and another on the way, I am very financially secure from my own hard work since age 15, which I am very happy and proud of, own a very nice home, drive a very nice car and I’m 3 months away from turning 30. I have youth on my side and a great academic background.
Thanks for your back handed will of luck.

Aside from the poor choice in man I clearly have ( I assume yours is magnificent from your judgemental reply to me) are you on par? We can all be snotty but it’s not the Godly way. I pray you become less judgmental and find more kindness in your heart. You may yourself have more luck then. Life is full of lessons and everyone makes errors, that’s what a trial balance is for 😊

Show quote history

What job have you done since age 15, and what’s your academic background?

Redburnett · 16/02/2025 22:49

You have made many unwise choices. Make a wise one now and LTB.

Bonjovispyjamas · 16/02/2025 22:54

Redburnett · 16/02/2025 22:49

You have made many unwise choices. Make a wise one now and LTB.

She already has.