Partner does crime and borderline alcoholic

[Drh94]

Hi,
I’ll try and keep this as short and sweet as possible.
met my partner 2022. Fell pregnant quickly. Already had child from previous. He has 2 he does not see.
he drinks a lot. He is an Irish traveller. He commits crime which he is going to be facing the consequences for. He has been abusive towards me from about 4 months into my pregnancy. I’m currently 8 months pregnant with my second for him and 3rd child.
he blames me for absolutely everything that goes wrong. He gambles a lot. He gets medication as he pretends he suffers with mental health and takes a whole packet of Diazapam in one go which usually triggers him to go drinking and commit crime (stealing etc)
he has been leaving me every month first it was a couple of days then it stretched to a week at first I used to be in bits about it but now I don’t care and when he turns up at my door I usually send him away as he’s been gone drinking for the entire duration and doing whatever he does so he can be gone for up to 2 weeks.
my family ask me is this what I want. It’s obviously not but then he says that they are just taking my side. I had an education and job when I met him but he has just pretty much destroyed my life making me have babies which I didn’t really want but he did (do not regret them whatsoever) but life will obviously be tougher for me now. I’m due a Csection in a month I have no one to come with me because we are either going to be broken up or he will be in jail as I’ve told him he has just ruined the relationship.
I stay home every single day I cook clean and look after children he does as he pleases. AIBU to leave. I don’t know why it hurts as I know there isn’t much goodness in my relationship i just wish he would change as he promises when he returns but he just does the same again. Any advice on being a single mom to three. How you managed school runs. How you managed being first floor flat with a 2 year old a newborn and an 8 year old. How you managed getting back into work (as I said I have an education which is quite high and have just fell into a rut thinking I won’t cope)
I’m not sure if I’ve posted to the right place but I just wanted some advice and let me know if I was wrong for asking him to stop drinking as he drinks to excess and has been abusive whilst drunk many times (I’ve had to get the police to him - he says me asking him to stop is me controlling him) he’s never worked a day in his 33 years of life and has been to prison many times before I knew him as the only way he believes he can get some income is by being a criminal.
sorry if it all just seems like waffle. There’s 2.5 years to unpack and so much more I could say I have just tried to throw everything in in one. Thanks for reading if you got this far lol.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

YOUR CHILDREN DESERVE BETTER.

End of.

It is so good that you have now taken the right decisions and steps to improve your life and give you a chance of happiness .... respect!

How did you get to the position where you're not sure if you're reasonable to leave this man? You need to leave pre baby and get support in doing so from your family.

How did you miss the red flags when you chose an alcoholic criminal who had already abandoned 2 children? Obviously you need to leave and I feel sorry for anyone in this position but the way you describe the situation it's not as if he hid his true character and then by the time you found out who he really was you were trapped. You walked into it with eyes wide open. After you leave I think you need to work out what made you decide it was a good idea to choose a partner like this and maybe get some therapy for that.

I can’t even imagine exposing my children to these man and his abuse.

but I see you can. And you are.

the poor 8 year old, how her/his life has become a nightmare, still going on, for the last 2.5 years! Drunkenness, fights, stress..

and the poor toddler, growing up in this stress will impact their whole life!

i think you care more about this man p—-s than your kids , that’s the only explanation for me, I’m afraid.

I’m so sorry that you’re having such a rough time. I read your post a couple of times - I think you already know that you have to leave him but you need me to support you and tell you that you already have the courage to make this move.

It is difficult with an 8yo and a 2yo and a newborn. But it’s less difficult if you haven’t got a criminal hanging around spending your money and dragging you down emotionally. Having a 9yo and 3yo and a 1yo is easier still. It won’t always feel like this. You need to get yourself back, and back yourself.

As I stated my kids have never experienced drunkenness around them as I send him away when he attempts to drink in my home.
my kids have never seen me argue with him.
as for the p——s comment. It’s a miracle I am pregnant as it’s very seldom.
I like that you came here to just berate me in your reply but I stated how I was affected not how my kids are as they are not. They want for nothing and probably live a happier life than yourself as if someone asked them for help they would have the common decency to not berate and offer advice if needed. I asked for advice as I’ve been made to feel as though I am the wrongdoer not asked for judgement. I am very aware of the affects negativity has on children which is why I wouldn’t tolerate it around them. But thank you for your pointless reply and I wish you the best and that you never find yourself the victim of a narcissist.

Hi.
he has moved country and span me a web of lies initially regarding the children and his family backed up what he was saying.
he wasn’t drinking around me at the start and I was not aware of any criminal history as he was getting by on his benefit payment and portrayed himself as someone who previously worked and has just came to England and is finding his feet (I met him 3 months after he got here).
I don’t feel as though I need therapy. I have ensured he cannot contact me via phone. I own my home and will not be leaving and have had the police put a marker on the address for if he attempts to come here.
I am of a very sane mind, I have just experienced the constant belittling of a man during pregnancy and postpartum which made me doubt my own wisdom. I already feel like I am returning to my former self. Thank you for your reply

It is absolutely real when women say that men grind them down to a position where you cannot see the wood for the trees.
I used to wonder this myself about women and I was always the one to advise my friends but it’s only when you slowly get chipped away at that you see how much it actually takes away from you. I just needed strangers advice as he put down what my family were saying which is pretty much every reply here so it has validated how I felt before I spoke to a couple of my family members who echoed what my thoughts were.
the vile men really do bring down women of all backgrounds.

If you really were able to fall for all that and still think that there was no way you could have known, I feel even more that you should seek some sort of counselling or something before entering another relationship. You must know, deep down, that an unemployed man with 2 kids he had no contact with was already massive red flags and not someone to quickly get pregnant by? I'm not saying you're insane. I'm saying that you must have already had very low self-esteem and a level of gullibility which looks like you would have believed pretty much anything if it meant being able to believe in the relationship.

Judge not, that ye be not judged
I would have to write a very long reply to try and explain but I just can’t do that right now.
him and his whole family painted her to be the bitter unwanted ex that used the kids as pawns.
he had began the process of setting up a business with his cousin, which I registered for him on companies house and I was registered as secretary and director for the company as I am a chartered accountant and have a degree in business management. They both seemed to just give up on the idea and that’s when the ways set in and I had many long discussions about his behaviours. I signed him up for zoom alcohol anon meetings and I tried to put him back onto his original goals but I think some people are just not cut out to be providers.
im just thankful I didn’t marry him.
I don’t have and didn’t have low self esteem at the time I met him I just fell hard for him and fast. The coil I had in place during the first pregnancy failed me, didn’t opt for abortion as I had the means to provide myself as I do now. I don’t rely on benefits I receive maternity leave and I have a substantial savings pot which allows me to treat my children to holidays and days out most weekends before the baby comes.
I just got lost about 18 months in and I think it was post partum hence my foolishness becoming pregnant again, I don’t regret as I’m not worried financially or with my ability to mother but now I feel I see a lot clearer and I can return to work once the baby is around 1 and keep the show going and teach my three daughters that a woman can do everything and more by herself even whilst being a very hands on mother.
I really see now that any woman from any background and any walk of life can end up with a not very nice man, it’s astonishing to see how they slowly but surely chip away at you.

The "bitter ex won't let me see my kids" is the oldest trick in the book.

I wish you the best of luck, but if you can't work out your own part in letting yourself believe what appear to be very obvious lies then I'm not sure you'll have much.

He sounds like an awful man.

Completely get what you mean by these types of men wearing us down. I'm glad for you that you are financially secure. You've got this x

I am very lucky. I have 2 beautiful healthy children and another on the way, I am very financially secure from my own hard work since age 15, which I am very happy and proud of, own a very nice home, drive a very nice car and I’m 3 months away from turning 30. I have youth on my side and a great academic background.
Thanks for your back handed will of luck.

Aside from the poor choice in man I clearly have ( I assume yours is magnificent from your judgemental reply to me) are you on par? We can all be snotty but it’s not the Godly way. I pray you become less judgmental and find more kindness in your heart. You may yourself have more luck then. Life is full of lessons and everyone makes errors, that’s what a trial balance is for 😊

I agree with your Nan. I've given up with men as well. Life is so much better without the stress they bring.

Bring up your kiddies in peace and safety. It'll be fine you'll see.

Here's to a long life!

@Drh94 I know you said you don't think you need any therapy, but please look into the Freedom Programme as I think it could be good for you

Thank you! Yes, I think it’s hard to find a good one that’s been raised well in this generation. Also they are very good at hiding who they truly are which has taught me a lesson.
i think women were made stronger emotionally to be able to carry the burden of absolutely everything and make things happen even during times of hopelessness.

second to that! (There have been studies, I’m not sure how trustworthy they are, that have proven single women are happiest - shock horror!) 🥰

I've been single 7 years now. I was that traumatised by being with my ex. I feel a lot better now, in the past year or two, getting back to myself again, but sometimes I think I might stay single now the rest of my life. It's terrifying what another person can have the power to reduce you to

And nothing is worth your peace of mind like that. Wish I'd seen the light a long time ago

I’ve had a very brief google of it, I believe it said it was a 12 week course, not sure if I’ve looked into the correct thing but definitely. It has also made me want to study something relevant to be able to help other women that find themselves in this position (once my baby is older and I’m back in the swing of things) I might see what my church has if anything and see if they would coordinate something for women struggling. It’s an awful place to be in and I know there are women in far worse positions and I’d like to try and help them as I’ve realised reaching out can be very helpful thanks to most of the responses on here, I’m incredibly grateful for the kind strangers on the internet!

@Drh94 yes, that's the one. I know several women who have completed the programme and found it really beneficial.

At least you know you can do it alone. A lot of women do hop from relationship to relationship out of fear of being alone. I was alone for around 5 years as I left my oldests dad when I was pregnant for what I deemed as modern day cheating, just stupid embarrassing things men do on social media but I didn’t want to live with no trust in him on his phone but he has a great relationship with my daughter and she adores him so can’t fault him there.
I think I’ll put myself on the shelf too. It would take a very patient man to even come near me now. But I think 3 kids and work will keep me busy.
I’m sad I wasted my years of celibacy but I’m glad I have an extra two girls now, I thought I was one and done. It’s hard enough managing school holidays and teacher training days with one lol!

Yeah, that's it, I can't regret ever meeting the guy because I got my lovely son out of all that

And yeah as well like you've kind of said, if I ever do meet someone else, he's going to be a good one, it would take a lot for me to invest again (instead of staying single, which I'm ok with)

Every curse comes with a blessing or every blessing comes with a curse. Whichever way you want to view it.
I hope you find a truly happy ending whether that be happy with just you or find a genuine man to live out your years with. Thank you for your kindness x