Partner does crime and borderline alcoholic

[Drh94]

Hi,
I’ll try and keep this as short and sweet as possible.
met my partner 2022. Fell pregnant quickly. Already had child from previous. He has 2 he does not see.
he drinks a lot. He is an Irish traveller. He commits crime which he is going to be facing the consequences for. He has been abusive towards me from about 4 months into my pregnancy. I’m currently 8 months pregnant with my second for him and 3rd child.
he blames me for absolutely everything that goes wrong. He gambles a lot. He gets medication as he pretends he suffers with mental health and takes a whole packet of Diazapam in one go which usually triggers him to go drinking and commit crime (stealing etc)
he has been leaving me every month first it was a couple of days then it stretched to a week at first I used to be in bits about it but now I don’t care and when he turns up at my door I usually send him away as he’s been gone drinking for the entire duration and doing whatever he does so he can be gone for up to 2 weeks.
my family ask me is this what I want. It’s obviously not but then he says that they are just taking my side. I had an education and job when I met him but he has just pretty much destroyed my life making me have babies which I didn’t really want but he did (do not regret them whatsoever) but life will obviously be tougher for me now. I’m due a Csection in a month I have no one to come with me because we are either going to be broken up or he will be in jail as I’ve told him he has just ruined the relationship.
I stay home every single day I cook clean and look after children he does as he pleases. AIBU to leave. I don’t know why it hurts as I know there isn’t much goodness in my relationship i just wish he would change as he promises when he returns but he just does the same again. Any advice on being a single mom to three. How you managed school runs. How you managed being first floor flat with a 2 year old a newborn and an 8 year old. How you managed getting back into work (as I said I have an education which is quite high and have just fell into a rut thinking I won’t cope)
I’m not sure if I’ve posted to the right place but I just wanted some advice and let me know if I was wrong for asking him to stop drinking as he drinks to excess and has been abusive whilst drunk many times (I’ve had to get the police to him - he says me asking him to stop is me controlling him) he’s never worked a day in his 33 years of life and has been to prison many times before I knew him as the only way he believes he can get some income is by being a criminal.
sorry if it all just seems like waffle. There’s 2.5 years to unpack and so much more I could say I have just tried to throw everything in in one. Thanks for reading if you got this far lol.

Did you leave the second he became volatile and abusive? If you had to flee then I assume not and thought you'd have an ounce more of understanding about how women find themselves in this situation

It's easy to say why haven't you left before but clearly she hasn't and having a go isn't going to help anything is it

Oh my dear. He's abusive to you and your children. He's a criminal. He's an alcoholic. Leave him. Take your things and your children and never look back. You need him out of your lives for good.

Get all the help you can from any agencies or family or friends. Now is not the time to try and do everything on your own. They are there to help you and your children so make sure they support you. You can leave him and have a better life with help and support. Then you can plan a future which is peaceful and happy for you and your children.

You owe it to the children to get them as far away from this lowlife as possible.

They already have one shitty parent.

Hi everyone.
thanks for all of your replies. I think I needed some reassurance (outside of my family) that I was not going mad as he likes me to believe, he paints himself to all as a good guy.
Just so it’s clear, I never allow any arguments around my children and if I sense one is brewing I will not entertain any nonsense. I “kick him out” when he decides he’s going to crack open a can of alcohol as I didn’t grow up with a man drinking/drunk almost daily and refuse for my girls to experience that. Which then leads to him heading off to the pub and then being on the streets for days at a time basically homeless which he then gets angry at me “for putting him through that”
It took me a lot of months of the same behaviour to develop a slight numbness to it. It’s just unfortunate when you believe someone will behave in a certain way then becomes the polar opposite. Upon first meeting he was the nicest, most gentlemanly man I had met. I was abstinent and single with my eldest for a number of years and did not entertain men as her dad was a cheat and I didn’t want to get hurt again (ironic).

He seems to feel that when he is here (approx 2-4 days per week) he has the authority to tell myself and the children what to do this is when I remind him that his input is not necessarily needed and we manage perfectly when he leaves me to go off and live his life “without being controlled”.
I am getting sterilised after this section as I do not want anymore children, I love the ones I have dearly and I’d like to provide a good life for them albeit a single mom life I know I can try and find work around school/nursery times.
I fell pregnant in this pregnancy during a phase whereby he was acting normal for a couple of months and did get into my head that all of the times he had previously left to go drinking etc was my fault.
He is due in court shortly but unfortunately I think it will only be a fine or a couple of weeks maximum.
He doesn’t see his other two as they are in Ireland and had a bad breakup with the ex. I was already pregnant when I found out the details.
I am qualified in accounting so I can work from home eventually but my confidence has taken a major knock. I gave my all to someone who pretended to be someone else and by the time the mask slipped I had already invested so much, it’s much easier to just class women as foolish but I see it for what it is. It just becomes difficult when you are constantly put as the one to blame when you are isolated it can take a toll.
Once again, thank you for all of your responses, highly appreciated.

And just to clarify. He has never hit me. It’s more so name calling and not that that is any better, I know it can lead to DV as I experienced that when I was 16. I’m 30 and if he put his hands on me he would not have a woman that cowers in the corner as I have 10 years of martial arts experience and he would have a lot of my male family members to speak with.
i don’t really speak much to my family about anything as i am quite private for the most part and like to just go away analyse and reflect for myself but I read a lot of posts on here so figured I would get some advice from total strangers, maybe some of you had experienced similar.
my children are very happy and I shield them from a lot which is where it becomes even more draining. My eldest being 8 used to ask where he had gone to but I told her he was on call for work and would have to leave at sporadic times which she has just accepted as the norm, the children seem happiest when it is all of us on the odd occasion he is behaving normally but one trigger and he has to drink to deal with it which isn’t healthy for anyone.
I come from a family that have all worked. I went to university after I had my first and left her dad as I didn’t want to be categorised as the typical single mother.
I will remain celibate for life as I do not trust my judgement and people can change their behaviour especially men who seem to take the responsibility less serious (not all I know I have a brilliant father myself so the kids have a male role model they won’t miss out on that) my youngest loves her dad so it is a shame but he contacts me saying he wants to see her but I won’t allow him to take her anywhere as it would just be to the pubs with his cousin who is a severe alcoholic, he’s dirty, full of warts etc and i don’t trust him around her as he has had his own child removed due to the mom being an alcoholic. I am not saying all travellers are the same in no way I have seen excellent travelling families. I, unfortunately, seemed to find a man with a terrible family and none of them work which is foreign to me.
sorry for rambling and thanks again!!

AIBU to leave?

No.

Sorry but you are rambling - on and on about what a dreadful person he is. So get him out of your life - right now. No amount of describing his appalling behaviour on here is going to change anything - only you can deal with this. Just don't let him back in.

It is very hard to imagine why you have let things go on this long.

i know I have rambled on. As I said I have kept things to myself and this is the first time I’ve ever taken the chance to get all of this off my chest hence the waffling regarding it.
i tried to explain my only reasoning I have in my rambling regarding why I stayed around and it was simply because of how much I had invested into it and how the mask slipped. He will not be returning I’ve contacted the police this morning to set up an injunction so he is forced to stay away and doesn’t turn up at my door at 3am knowing I don’t want the embarrassment from the neighbours hearing him begging and pleading that it will all stop.
I know by posting I opened myself up for being judged as just another foolish woman to some but myself being in the situation has made me realise it can happen to almost anyone. The shell of a person I have become is not who I am.
thank you for your reply.

Just. Get. Out. Now.

Go to a refuge.

Hi.
just so I can clear up. I own my flat. I had a mortgage and worked my butt off to pay for it. I have refurbished the whole thing and put a lot of money into it so I will not be leaving. I’ve began the process of an injunction today and have also changed my number. If he appears I will just pretend I’m not home and call the police. My car goes inside my garage so he can’t tell if I’m home or not. Seeing the replies really did help me shift myself into gear and realise that he is just an awful person.
thank you

God, you've been doing it all on your own already. He's a piece of shit and your children will soon believe that's how you treat women/are treated by men and it'll continue.

It doesn't matter if you love him or if he says he loves you.

Read that again.

He is bad for you. Focus on yourself and your babies. Get some contraception fitted smartish and avoid him like the plague. You are better than the life he is trying to keep you in. Some travellers I'm sure are decent lovely people. This one is not and you and your kids deserve so much more.

I'm SO happy to hear this! Well done, OP. You've given yourself a head start there so use it. Work on your self esteem so you never settle for a knob like that again. X

You need to get him out of your life and away from yourself and your children. You shouldn't put up with a single moment more of his thieving, his alcohol abuse and his abuse of you and your children. Can you look into moving away and cutting all contact. For your own safety. Get away from him once and for all.

He is abusing you OP he will never change. Get rid of him.

I am put off men for life. He is my third and last relationship of my life and I am not partial to flings.
my nan stayed by herself from 35 until she died at 90 and was happy - I think the long life came from the lack of having a man around to stress her. I endeavour to be the same!
thank you for your reply. Posting on here did give me the boost I needed today although I feel like there are some very negative replies. It’s mental where you can end up in life because I was once the friend that gave the advice to leave the rubbish men it’s only when you’re in the situation you see how manipulated women can be into staying. The guilt of trying to leave waking up to 200+ missed unknown caller calls. Absolutely wild. Thanks again! I think I can be free of it now. I have a gang of girls to protect and maybe God allowed me to experience this life so I can see the signs in my girls and better advise them in the future. Although I will pray that I never see one of those signs. x

Your happiness isn’t conditional on this man not drinking or not being a twat. It’s conditional on you loving yourself a lot more than you currently do because if you did, this man would have long been in your rearview mirror.

The balls in your court, always has been.

You need to split up with him and pray that he doesn't want to see you children again - you don't need that sort of man in your life.

It will be easier if you have family happy to support you while the dc are small - perhaps take the time to do an extra qualification so once the littlest is over 3 you can get back in to work

Ps well done ! - should have rtft 😄

Accountancy sounds like a really flexible job which you will be able to grow a business as your children grow. See if you can get a few people on your books over the next year, just in a low key way, as your children grow hopefully your reputation will spread and you will be that strong independent role model for your dc. Do try to enroll in the Freedom programme. Although you don't want another relationship, understanding the causes and red flags will be empowering.

Very well done , OP, I am very pleased to hear that you have contacted the police and blocked him etc.

Now that you have the confidence to believe you are doing the right thing, it would be good to get as much RL support as you can.

Maybe pick one family member, the one you trust most, tell them everything and that you would value their support.

Do you have friends? They often disappear when there is an abusive man in the picture.

You are in a great position! Can you take a couple of small jobs that you can do as a freelancer from home to get your eye in and confidence back? Even book keeping?

In due course, have a look at the Freedom Programme online.

I'm just going to say it. He's a piece of shit. People like this don't change. Yeah sometimes they might stop drinking. But that isn't why he abandons you and the kids constantly. See how many posts we see of parents on here struggling with alcohol. They don't desert their children. If you don't get out now you'll end up like me and finally walk away when you're life has been ruined and you've nothing left to give and you just don't care about him anymore, and your children are unhappy. Don't let it come to that. He is not worth it. You are, and your children

That sounds great OP the progress you have already made . Ignore those that are critical of you .

These men don't start off as abusive , but show you their charming side at the start . There will have been happy times and unfortunately they will get fewer and fewer , as it sounds that your partner has issues with several things including drinking .

It is always difficult to walk away from any relationship especially where there are children involved as with you .You have been able to make steps to prioritise you and your family .

You said you were private and I am not sure how much you have told your family . You said your dad was a great role model . With two children already and another on the way , especially with a c section planned - you do need support around you from your family and friends . That won't be forever as you seem like a very capable person who like many of us has made a few wrong choices in life ,

As a parent I would hate to think that my child had not asked for help when they needed it , even if the child was grown up . So you do need to not try and do everything on your own .

Why on earth did you get with him in the first place , it's not a surprise he's a shit partner .