Partner won’t marry me (thread 2)

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Continuation of the thread of the same name 😁

I'm totally on your side OP, and rooting for you, but in all candor you are sending mixed signals.

Shopping together is not necessary to "be adult." Let him source his own food. Persisting in talking about these things and shoving lists at him gives the false impression he can fix issues.

Just grey rock, spend as little time as possible there and start packing. Have you moved your valuable belongings to your mother's house?

Sounds like a bad end to an uncomfortable weekend@Everythingwillbeokk - but onwards and upwards 🌼 💐

Don't mind posters saying stupid shit... oh she must be back with him because we haven't had an update within "our" timeline... unfortunately some posters forget that its real people, living sometimes difficult, complicated lives & it's not an episode of Eastenders with an update tomorrow.
Look after yourself and your children, and come here for support if you need it.

P.S. he's a dickhead!! But you know that 😏

Honestly, I'd be glad he keeps doing these ridiculous things. It's hard to leave someone when you've invested so much in them, especially when they start sucking up when you threaten to leave. Honestly just be thankful he's continuing to show you that absolute idiot that he is. You're well rid and he's brought this all on himself. Have all my fingers and toes crossed for everything going smoothly on Friday and your new and improved life beginning. What a lucky escape.

I’m so glad you didn’t take him back! He doesn’t want to hear the truth. I hope this is making it much easier for you op. The scales have well and truly fallen! Good for you. Start protecting yourself - changing passwords, putting away money. Preparing now. Well done for holding out. You will thank your younger self one day for doing this.

I must admit his behaviour is making things a lot easier - his complete lack of work ethic for one!! Ridiculous claims that I’ve hit him with paper. I mean god help me……

In trying to address every issue with him because I feel like we both deserve to have covered it all. There’s no questions then, no come backs. It’s all done and all been covered.

and when I say we both deserve it - he deserves to know what he’s done.

OP, stop engaging and trying to convince a selfish user that you are right.

It really is a massive waste of your energy.
Do not put your hands on him.
Do not do that again.
Forget your list.

Focus on getting your children and yourself out of this mess.
That should be your sole priority.
Not his food shopping, nor feeding HIS children.
His children are not your responsibility.

Please drop the rope.

I had to go look up the other thread for context!

Personally I am not a fan of ultimatums, do you want somebody marrying you out of duress? Seems like you have both been honest and upfront with each other from the start and want fundamentally different things. In that context I cannot understand why either of you continued with this relationship tbh.

Maybe time to bow out and seek somebody who wants a real commitment with you.

Wishing you all the best OP. Finding it incomprehensible you keep engaging with him so I am out. That’s just me. All the best.

Get moved out first, then send him a letter getting everything off your chest. Engaging now just gives him power.

Stop wasting your energy on him OP. You're going to need it to make the life you want to build.

Your relationship is over. You know it but unfortunately so does he. You need to get out of there ASAP. The 'you hit me' is raising alarm bells for me. Get out ASAP.

Grr it won’t let me edit. I read more of your responses and it seems you are working on your exit plan.

Congrats!

Hope that goes well and please - whenever somebody shows you who they are (or says they never want to remarry) believe them. The first time.

I would be worried he is recording you secretly and getting the "you hit me!" documented is laying the groundwork for some sort of complaint, or for justifying violence toward you.

Be careful.

At this point OP I would be moving myself and the DC into your mother's box room and house hunting from there. No it's not perfect, but it's got to be better than what is happening right now, the tension must be through the roof for you and the DC.

Omgggg the pittance!!!! He's on a different planet!

On a serious note, so not engage with him in any way again. No tapping, no arguing, no more let's chat about issues. You won't get through ro him, just wasting your energy. And possibly end up in a conflictive position, or him accusing you of abuse. You don't need extra stress right now.
You can go through the list with therapist or counsellor if you plan to try therapy.

Here's a ridiculous fecking twit and as transparent as a pane of glass!

Anyway - he was nice as pie all day. And I mean like a different person - yes my spidey senses were all over this one!!! Then on the way home he said ‘I should be grateful he has allowed me to live in his house paying such a pittance’

Putting on an act and being nice to you to soften you up so that he can ambush you with this claim that you should be grateful to him🙄
Trying to gaslight you into thinking that it's him who is doing you a favor 🤣
He really thinks he's going to come out on top, get what he wants, make you obey him, keep you on as a serving maid
urgh🙄

Just raft - I’d say get away ASAP. I really hope the rental works out for you.

The part about him never letting g you sit in the window speaks volumes about his general contempt and dislike of you. Dh always lets me sit in the window even though he prefers it himself.

”little” things like this are huge red flags and are really telling in someone’s feelings for you - thinking even his dcs have more of a right to sit in the window over you, his partner, is a very good reference to your whole relationship really. You come last.

You sound lovely and very sensible - we’re all guilty of making mistakes in relationships - the main thing is to change the situation once the scales fall from your eyes, which you are doing. I really hope it all works out for you.

' you've hit me ' that is hilarious

except - be careful he may be starting to play his game, and before you know it he has reported you for assault !

and as for you paying a pittance to live in HIS house - well !!!

that's wonderful he only needs to find a pittance himself when you have gone.

I really dislike this man. He's just pathetic

He is staying home to ' watch ' you, he needs to know what you are up to.

watch out for listening into / recording your phone calls etc. and ' accidentally ' reading your post.

next time he does actually leave the house - move more of your stuff out. you may be leaving sooner then you think / plan.

how often do his children stay / when are they next due ?

"You've hit me" he's absolutely cracked. So glad you're getting out.

Just read both your threads OP and I'm another one advising caution I'm afraid, his behaviour is becoming worrying imo. He's clearly doing zero self reflection and is still twisting and turning trying to manipulate you and the situation back to what he wants, that displays a seriously unhealthy mindset and I would be worrying about what he might do next to pull you back into line. I think you need to get out now, none of us really know what someone is capable of and yours and DC safety is all that really matters.

Obviously the A4 paper incident does not constitute assault, but at the same time it was a bad move on your part op.
He now knows that you can be provoked into 'acting out'. He will be searching for ways to get you compromised so that he can control you for his benefit. He has a large incentive to try and provoke you into further behavior like this.

I don’t think there is any healthy or neat wrapping up with him, you will not get what you want out of it. It will not suddenly dawn on him what he has caused.

If you are able to you should move out asap regardless of the viewing on Friday. If you get it and can move in immediately then great but otherwise rent that truck and storage and find a premier inn to stay at until you can get into an apartment. Living with him is unhealthy, damaging, and dangerous.

This. No good will come of your staying there any longer. You’ve decided to go, now get on and do it. I expect the “pittance” will be missed more than you - and quite quickly.

He's obviously desperate to be trying this random shit. Not surprisingly, he's losing everything.

I'd be slightly worried about his next move.