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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rage with a colleague

119 replies

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

OP posts:
Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 16:06

OP you were 💯 right not to help!

It’s clear he didn’t want to learn how to do it he just wanted a woman to do it for him.

You are not being oversensitive at all.

There’s another thread where the new female member of staff is being expected to arrange a flower delivery for the only other member of staff, despite being new.

Original poster
Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:15

Thank you for the vindication @Tellysavelas. It’s a traditionally male dominated industry I work in, though that is changing, but I just feel like there’s still so much casual misogyny around. I am normally a very laid back easygoing person and happy to help others out but he’s just pushed my buttons one too many times.

OP posts:
CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 04/10/2024 16:18

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I'd actually have been inclined to reply to his email simply by resending the email you sent 6 months ago with the instructions.

It's not your job to be his stand in PA and if you keep doing it he'll never learn

Aligirlbear · 04/10/2024 16:20

Totally right in your approach.

In a completely professional way you have declined to do it for him ( quite right ! ) and offered to help him so he can up-skill himself for next time while providing support for him to make the submission as he needs to.

You are not being over sensitive at all, completely professional - good on you !

Itrymybestyesido · 04/10/2024 16:24

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 04/10/2024 16:18

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I'd actually have been inclined to reply to his email simply by resending the email you sent 6 months ago with the instructions.

It's not your job to be his stand in PA and if you keep doing it he'll never learn

Yes that's what I would have done too. OP he's just being lazy!

DollopOfFun · 04/10/2024 16:25

God I'm wound up on your behalf!

HelplessSoul · 04/10/2024 16:28

He sounds like a fucking useless cunt TBH.

SinnerBoy · 04/10/2024 16:30

It sounds as though he's lazy, can't be bothered and wants someone to wipe his arse for him. Of course you were not being unreasonable, he was!

TallulahBetty · 04/10/2024 16:31

It's cos asking the Little Woman is the easy way out. As you say, he wouldn't dare ask the male colleague.

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 16:31

You are not being unreasonable. But you cannot change him. Realise that this will keep happening, and you just have to stick to your guns.

Lavender14 · 04/10/2024 16:33

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Well done you.

Pusheen467 · 04/10/2024 16:33

YANBU He is obviously one of those men that is #TooBusyandImportant to do his own menial tasks and thinks a woman should do it for him. Good for you for not giving in.

Original poster
Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:33

When I was still fairly new to the team and much more junior, he once asked me to print some things for him. I should’ve put my foot down much earlier, in the past I’ve just done it with some grumbling. But the grumbling isn’t enough.

I fear I wasn’t entirely professional when I called him … he’s probably having a moan to the other director now about me not being a team player. I’ll have to get my side across when I see the other director on Monday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:35

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 16:31

You are not being unreasonable. But you cannot change him. Realise that this will keep happening, and you just have to stick to your guns.

This is very true @MyTaupeHare, he won’t change. If I keep putting my foot down he’ll probably just start asking one of the juniors in the team (a couple of them
are also on holiday today, and the one who’s in is very new and would never have used the portal before so I was probably his only option)

OP posts:
SleepToad · 04/10/2024 16:37

I had a boss who couldn't/wouldn't attach a file to an email, one of use must have shown him how every day for 2 years....I realise pretty early on it was a power thing and made myself unavailable to help!

Confrontayshunme · 04/10/2024 16:38

I have a coworker that needs help with every tiny online thing like this. We are the same level, and I have shown her how to do it several times. Now, I send her the online details and say "Oops I am just about to get on a call with a client." She must be so confused how I have so many calls now. But I don't think it is fair for her to basically not learn to do it because she thinks I will save her every time.

Pusheen467 · 04/10/2024 16:39

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:33

When I was still fairly new to the team and much more junior, he once asked me to print some things for him. I should’ve put my foot down much earlier, in the past I’ve just done it with some grumbling. But the grumbling isn’t enough.

I fear I wasn’t entirely professional when I called him … he’s probably having a moan to the other director now about me not being a team player. I’ll have to get my side across when I see the other director on Monday!

I had a similiar experience at my last workplace. Certain male members of staff thought I was their personal skivvy and was there to do their filing forever because I did it when I was an apprentice and didn't yet have a proper workload. Once I did have my own workload I continued to do it when asked (they were just sooo busy you see) until I heard one of them say "Oh we don't do our own filing, Pusheen467 does it" in a snooty voice and he even got my name wrong. They learned to do it themselves after that 😊

Winterjoy · 04/10/2024 16:39

YANBU and good on you for actually calling him and raising it directly. I would have taken the easy way out and replied to the email saying sorry I'm also too busy but here are the instructions to help you out.

HappyMummaOfOne · 04/10/2024 16:43

Yikes, what a useless twat! He asked you because you are female and he sees this task as beneath him and as you have correctly identified he would NEVER ask the male director.
you were 10000000% correct to say no and to stand your ground. When you speak to him and the other director next week make sure to call him out and very directly ask him why he specifically contacted you and not the other director….then death stare him and ask “is it because I am a woman?”
Then watch him look u comfortable and awkward. I can guarantee he won’t ask you again if you call out his sexism

Pusheen467 · 04/10/2024 16:45

HappyMummaOfOne · 04/10/2024 16:43

Yikes, what a useless twat! He asked you because you are female and he sees this task as beneath him and as you have correctly identified he would NEVER ask the male director.
you were 10000000% correct to say no and to stand your ground. When you speak to him and the other director next week make sure to call him out and very directly ask him why he specifically contacted you and not the other director….then death stare him and ask “is it because I am a woman?”
Then watch him look u comfortable and awkward. I can guarantee he won’t ask you again if you call out his sexism

YES please do this!!!

QuiteCloseBy · 04/10/2024 16:45

Not being unreasonable. Of course he can learn if he wants to. He's 50, not from the 1850s. Make it plain you're not support staff, and he needs to sort out his own shit.

DerekFaker · 04/10/2024 16:45

I had this with a male colleague. It told him this would be the last time I would show him. So next time he asked another female colleague. We were all at the same level! Sheer sexism.

Tootsurly · 04/10/2024 16:46

As soon as I got to the bit about the PA being on holiday I knew what was coming.

At least he was sheepish, but it's still an absolute cheek of him to ask you.

DoYouReally · 04/10/2024 16:50

You are 100% correct.

I used to help everyone but now I'll only help people who help themselves.

I'll sort things for people who have made a genuine effort to do themselves and have run into difficulties.

I will no longer help the intentionally helpless.

coxesorangepippin · 04/10/2024 16:56

Yanbu

Give them an inch, they take a mile

He thinks the filing is beneath him

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