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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rage with a colleague

119 replies

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

OP posts:
titticaca · 04/10/2024 17:27

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:24

I think he sounds useless and lazy but I think your were being petty and I would have helped him, especially as if he wasn't able to file whatever the very outing document was, it could ultimately reflect on you as a co director.

She offered to help, he didn't want it, he wanted her to do it for him.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 17:28

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:24

I think he sounds useless and lazy but I think your were being petty and I would have helped him, especially as if he wasn't able to file whatever the very outing document was, it could ultimately reflect on you as a co director.

Yes it would reflect well on her because management should be strong and able to push back on petty requests that men can do themselves.

CountryCob · 04/10/2024 17:28

When we have a women's day board at the Uni I work at I for tips and encouragement mine is always don't do admin for people on your grade/ if it isn't part of your job. It wastes your time, holds you back and people don't appreciate it but just use it to put themselves above you. So I agree with you

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:29

@titticaca OK - I would have done it for him if I thought there was a risk that it would not be done otherwise.

titticaca · 04/10/2024 17:30

@Growlybear83 More fool you then.

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:31

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:24

I think he sounds useless and lazy but I think your were being petty and I would have helped him, especially as if he wasn't able to file whatever the very outing document was, it could ultimately reflect on you as a co director.

Funny how he didn't ask the other, male, director, isn't it?!

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 17:31

CountryCob · 04/10/2024 17:28

When we have a women's day board at the Uni I work at I for tips and encouragement mine is always don't do admin for people on your grade/ if it isn't part of your job. It wastes your time, holds you back and people don't appreciate it but just use it to put themselves above you. So I agree with you

Yep when I was the lone female in meetings I deliberately never offered to get the coffees or take notes unless I had invited them to a meeting that I needed to happen. And my bosses supported that, they’d get the coffees.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/10/2024 17:33

Bloody well done you OP! So bored of men who are the same age as me (50s) behaving as if IT and the Internet only appeared last week so they don’t know how to attach files/share a folder/print slides with notes pages/add something to the calendar. They know - they just can’t be arsed or think it’s beneath them

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 04/10/2024 17:33

I fear I wasn’t entirely professional when I called him

Meh, he wasn't treating you as a professional and therefore not acting professionally himself.

You handled it perfectly.

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:35

@titticaca Sorry, but I'm not a jobsworth and if I'm part of a team, I would help out any colleague if a deadline needed to be met, no matter how much it irritated me. But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a man is there 🙄

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 17:37

This boils my piss too. As the female director you are obviously next in line for the admin tasks 🙄

SardinesOnGingerbread · 04/10/2024 17:37

It's amazing that he's capable of working at the level he does, yet is incapable of reading and following a clearly written instruction. It's almost like it's not normal helplessness....

ThisGreyPanda · 04/10/2024 17:37

Don't give it a second thought. He asking you because you're the female, younger and you have done it before. Stand your ground. Well done.

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:38

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:35

@titticaca Sorry, but I'm not a jobsworth and if I'm part of a team, I would help out any colleague if a deadline needed to be met, no matter how much it irritated me. But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a man is there 🙄

You've clearly never been the only woman in a meeting of similar level staff, and been the one to be asked to take notes 🙄

wibdib · 04/10/2024 17:41

I would bring it up as an issue on Monday - that his inability to learn how to do a simple task combined with a lack of being able to schedule his working so that he had the time to do it when it clearly needed to be done in a timely manner, added to his willingness to interrupt a fellow director who was also very busy while not even ask/interrupt the other director (I assume this latter point although you haven't said it explicitly!) is a red flag about his ability to do this work at director level...

Maybe a month or two of being demoted (with associated loss of privileges and pay) until he is able to do everything he needs to do both efficiently and effectively would focus his mind to enable him to do his own job properly and stop him from causing you problems with your own work!

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:44

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:38

You've clearly never been the only woman in a meeting of similar level staff, and been the one to be asked to take notes 🙄

Show quote history

Of course I have. I’ve not got to nearly 67 and not experienced that type of behaviour.

CountryCob · 04/10/2024 17:45

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:38

You've clearly never been the only woman in a meeting of similar level staff, and been the one to be asked to take notes 🙄

Show quote history

Or in my experience, a qualified professional with a busy day asked to decorate the office Christmas tree.

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:46

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:44

Of course I have. I’ve not got to nearly 67 and not experienced that type of behaviour.

Show quote history

So get the male director to "help out"!

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 17:48

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:38

You've clearly never been the only woman in a meeting of similar level staff, and been the one to be asked to take notes 🙄

Show quote history

My favourite was being the only woman in the boardroom. After presenting my strategy, it was kindly mansplained to me by an older gentlemen. He took great care to make sure I understood the finer details. He explained the strategy I wrote to me and thought I was the one who was hard of thinking.

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:48

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:46

So get the male director to "help out"!

Show quote history

Why does it matter who does it so long as the deadline is met?

@CountryCob Im afraid that I’ve never worked in an office where anyone has suggested putting up a Christmas tree.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 17:49

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:35

@titticaca Sorry, but I'm not a jobsworth and if I'm part of a team, I would help out any colleague if a deadline needed to be met, no matter how much it irritated me. But then there is nothing Mumsnet hates more than a man is there 🙄

In my company, you get help once. If you need help again, you’re expected to refer to the instructions provided.

If someone repeatedly needs help (without a good reason but because they thi k they’re above the work) then they won’t get ahead.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/10/2024 17:49

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:44

Of course I have. I’ve not got to nearly 67 and not experienced that type of behaviour.

Show quote history

I assume you don’t condone this sort of sexist behaviour, @Growlybear83 - so how is the culture ever going to change if people don’t take a (polite but firm) stand against it, as @Squidgemoon did?

Just doing it, being a ‘team player’, will only perpetuate this sort of behaviour.

Tellysavelas · 04/10/2024 17:49

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:48

Why does it matter who does it so long as the deadline is met?

@CountryCob Im afraid that I’ve never worked in an office where anyone has suggested putting up a Christmas tree.

Show quote history

No one is this naive. You know exactly why he’s asking the woman to help him and not the man.

JudgieJudie · 04/10/2024 17:50

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

What a twat asking you. Did he ask the other bloke director? I bet not!

daisychain01 · 04/10/2024 17:51

HelplessSoul · 04/10/2024 16:28

He sounds like a fucking useless cunt TBH.

I'm thinking weaponised incompetence rather than being useless.

he absolutely does know how to do the online filing, he just enjoys rubbing it in that the OP is there to boss about and pass the dull admin jobs to.

@Squidgemoon you're a legend, well done for pushing back. I had to do similar this week, it has a feel good factor about it, telling a misogynist where to go.