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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rage with a colleague

119 replies

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

OP posts:
Alpolonia · 04/10/2024 18:54

Arlanymor · 04/10/2024 17:22

Totally within your rights. I once taught an MP how to use a printer because their assistant was away and he asked me to do it for him (100% not my job, I didn't work for him). I said: "There will come a day when no one is in the office to help you and you'll be stuffed - so let's go through it step by step so that you know how to do it." Fair play to him he took it on the chin and hopefully to this day is happily printing solo!

I once briefly worked with an ex-MEP who was new (he was my boss and I was admin) and he asked me to put a stamp on his letter. I showed him where to find them (we were a very small office and people just got on with stuff).
A while later he asked how I thought he was getting on and I told him that I wasn’t his PA (I wasn’t) and didn’t appreciate being asked to do basic tasks like that! (He didn’t actually last long.)

OP, well done!

Fraaahnces · 04/10/2024 18:56

Good for you! Love how he assumes you’re not just as busy as he is! Why is his time more valuable than yours? Fuck that!!!

Onekidnoclue · 04/10/2024 18:57

You’re my hero! Well done for telling him to do one. I’m one of those pathetic types who just says yes and then seethes!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/10/2024 18:58

Agree with you all the way.

I'm nobody, but even I get backed up when I refuse to do somebody more important than me's job for them.

PurpleRobe · 04/10/2024 19:02

Regardless of age, gender or position I would have shared my screen and shown him how to do it

Diomi · 04/10/2024 19:24

I often get asked to help people at work and I’m usually very happy to do it, but this guy is sounds like he is taking the piss. In situations like this, I do what most of my male colleagues would do and completely ignore the email.

CountryCob · 04/10/2024 19:24

@PurpleRobe have you missed the bit where when the colleague's pa is away he tries to pass admin onto a fellow director?

CountryCob · 04/10/2024 19:26

And OP has done it before for him and sent him instructions?

fetchacloth · 04/10/2024 19:32

Oh FGS I really feel your rage 😡
I've had to work with men like this in the past and frankly I just ignore them as I would anyone else behaving pathetically.🙄

boatyardblues · 04/10/2024 19:40

Bringbackspring · 04/10/2024 17:14

100% not being unreasonable. If you never put your foot down, they will never stop asking. And honestly, sometimes being shirty is the only way to make someone realise you are not messing around. Being super polite often just goes right over peoples heads. You should have said, "I'm busy too, have you asked (insert name of other male director)"?! Then watched him squirm as he explains why he only asked you.

That’s what I was going to say. I bet he would never dream of asking one of your male director peers. Cheeky bastard.

DistantDancer · 04/10/2024 20:05

He was obviously too busy having a long leisurley lunch or an 18 hole golf day, so unable to do the work.

Good for you !

Bellatrixpure · 04/10/2024 20:09

You deserve a round of applause!

Not an unreasonable move at all.

DBD1975 · 05/10/2024 18:45

You are a small team is it worth causing a major issue over this? Is there something you could ask him to do for you in return? Something you don't like doing, a meeting you can't attend etc which your colleague could cover for you if you file the return for him? Working relationships are like all other relationships they have to be given and take.

Toopies · 05/10/2024 18:55

Yanbu.
You are not his PA.
Stop taking his calls.
Stop being available to him.
You have to change as he won't.
Anyone gives you any bullshit on this, ask them to put it in an email so you can formally respond.
You have a life and you are not the PA's fill in because he can't be arsed to up skill.
I think you need to be unavailable.
It is not your job to do his because he can't be arsed.
Stop being so amenable, it makes misogynistic twats think you are a walk over.

Jenkibubble · 05/10/2024 19:29

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

Practise makes perfect - all the time someone else is doing it he will never get better at doing it !

stick to your guns !

Tessiebear2023 · 05/10/2024 19:29

Mate, you are a director. Are you seriously asking ME for my opinion/validation, just some rando on mumsnet?? Sorry, but that's why he picked on you.

You want to know what I'd have done? Laughed at him. Helped him. Then laughed at him again (prob in front of someone else), but in a kindish way, then told him how I love needy men bc they're soooo cute.

Tanjamaltija · 06/10/2024 10:13

''Ask [the other director] please, because I am very busy too.'' End of story.

SezFrankly · 09/10/2024 20:40

Nope. Not unreasonable. I’d have reacted the same way. Well done.

Bluebunnylover · 09/10/2024 21:28

Yes you are right this is casual misogyny!

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