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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rage with a colleague

119 replies

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:02

Need to let off some steam and see if IABU as the red mist has descended.

I am one of 3 directors in a team. The other two directors are male and older. I am the most junior director but I am not new - I have worked with them for over 10 years and was made director over 3 years ago. We have a team PA who works for all of us.

We have time sensitive deadlines on a regular basis which involve filing things using an online portal. Think HMRC or similar (trying not to be too outing). Usually the PA does all the online filings for us all. She is off on holiday today, but she has sent all of us, numerous times before, the login details for the portal and step by step instructions on how to file things with it. It is very straightforward. I have filed things myself on many other occasions when she was been away.

One of the other directors in the team has never filed anything himself. He is not as IT literate as me, but he’s not a dinosaur. He is about 50 and appears to have no difficulty conducting his personal affairs online. On a few occasions before when our PA has been away, he has asked me or other junior members of the team to file things for him. Last time he asked me, which was probably 6 months or so ago, I did it begrudgingly but got a bit shirty with him and re-sent him the instructions our PA had previously sent.

Today he sent me a sheepish email asking me to file something and said he knows he needs to learn how but he just unfortunately can’t do it because he’s so busy.

I’m afraid I saw red and called him and said I was not going to file it for him but that I would show him how to do it. He said couldn’t I do it and show him on Monday and I said no, I would send him the login details and instructions (again!) and if he was having any trouble following them then he should phone me back and share his screen and I would talk him through it. He said fine and he was too busy to discuss it so I hung up.

WIBU to not do it for him? I think I get so annoyed because he always makes out like he’s so busy but guess what, we all are! And he always asks me - the female director - never the other male director and I’m a bloody director, not his PA. But then I wonder if I am perhaps being over sensitive because he has generally been winding me up recently with his general lack of respect for other people’s time 😡

OP posts:
GinnyPiggie · 04/10/2024 17:05

YANBU - this is just men thinking that vagina=admin. Fuck off.

Aysegull · 04/10/2024 17:05

Urgh. This brings back memories. I work in a law firm and have often had to file court documents ahead of deadlines. It’s always the older male lawyers who have no idea how to do it and expect others to do it for them when the court clerk is away!

Well done for not doing it!

SoMauveMonty · 04/10/2024 17:07

Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 16:33

When I was still fairly new to the team and much more junior, he once asked me to print some things for him. I should’ve put my foot down much earlier, in the past I’ve just done it with some grumbling. But the grumbling isn’t enough.

I fear I wasn’t entirely professional when I called him … he’s probably having a moan to the other director now about me not being a team player. I’ll have to get my side across when I see the other director on Monday!

i think you could argue he's the one who's not a team player as he's unwilling to pitch in and pull his weight when you're sans PA, and instead expects you - always you - to do his work for him.

Pusheen467 · 04/10/2024 17:08

GinnyPiggie · 04/10/2024 17:05

YANBU - this is just men thinking that vagina=admin. Fuck off.

So fucking true.

AW24 · 04/10/2024 17:11

He's a sexiest pig

diddl · 04/10/2024 17:12

Don't ever be off at the same time as the PA, Op!

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:12

diddl · 04/10/2024 17:12

Don't ever be off at the same time as the PA, Op!

Wrong. Always be off at the same time as the PA!

ChampagneLassie · 04/10/2024 17:14

Absolutely right thing to do. He’s being a cheeky fucker and trying to treat you as his fill in PA.

Bringbackspring · 04/10/2024 17:14

100% not being unreasonable. If you never put your foot down, they will never stop asking. And honestly, sometimes being shirty is the only way to make someone realise you are not messing around. Being super polite often just goes right over peoples heads. You should have said, "I'm busy too, have you asked (insert name of other male director)"?! Then watched him squirm as he explains why he only asked you.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/10/2024 17:14

TallulahBetty · 04/10/2024 16:31

It's cos asking the Little Woman is the easy way out. As you say, he wouldn't dare ask the male colleague.

Edited

Absolutely this. But you know that.

You did the right thing. But I suspect the narrative will be him bitching to your other male colleague about what a cow you are. And potentially your Managing Partner or similar assuming there is one.

I'd lay money he has spent more time today trying to find someone [probably female] to do it for him than the time it would have taken to do it himself.

Original poster
Squidgemoon · 04/10/2024 17:15

Thank you everyone 🙏🏻 I was just doubting myself for a moment when I made the thread but it’s clear I was NOT unreasonable and if we don’t stand up for ourselves in these sorts of situations they’ll just keep walking all over us!

OP posts:
Springadorable · 04/10/2024 17:15

Fabulous. Well done you!

diddl · 04/10/2024 17:16

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:12

Wrong. Always be off at the same time as the PA!

Show quote history

You thought I was being serious?

Mouthfulofquiz · 04/10/2024 17:18

I kind of feel like your first mistake might have been sending him the email from his own (admittedly shared) PA. He has that email. Let him fuck it up and feel the consequences (unless that financially affects you…)

bitesthedust · 04/10/2024 17:18

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

misskatamari · 04/10/2024 17:18

Well fucking done!!! Yanbu AT ALL!

Gettingbysomehow · 04/10/2024 17:21

Oh my God... I'd have been tempted to tell him to get his wife in to do it. What a pathetic specimin. I had a colleague like this. We were both medical professionals and had to go in early to pull our patient files for the day and prep them. He actually expected me to pull his files and put them away again because he hD more important things to do than me apparently.
I went to his manager with this and he got a telling off as it doubled my work.
He never spoke to me again and shunned me at every opportunity.
What a complete knob.

Hatty65 · 04/10/2024 17:22

I fear I wasn’t entirely professional when I called him … he’s probably having a moan to the other director now about me not being a team player. I’ll have to get my side across when I see the other director on Monday!

Good for you! Do NOT get your side across - don't apologise, justify or explain. If it is raised by either of the directors then give them a bemused look and say, 'I'm not sure what the problem is? I offered to talk Jeffrey through how to do this task of his, despite being extremely busy myself. Really, this is something he needs to get a handle on because we are all busy, aren't we? Interrupting other people's schedules isn't terribly efficient'

Make the fucker SAY that he thinks you should have just done it for him to save him the trouble, what with him having a penis and all...

Arlanymor · 04/10/2024 17:22

Totally within your rights. I once taught an MP how to use a printer because their assistant was away and he asked me to do it for him (100% not my job, I didn't work for him). I said: "There will come a day when no one is in the office to help you and you'll be stuffed - so let's go through it step by step so that you know how to do it." Fair play to him he took it on the chin and hopefully to this day is happily printing solo!

MyTaupeHare · 04/10/2024 17:23

diddl · 04/10/2024 17:16

You thought I was being serious?

Show quote history

Yes, clearly. Sorry! 😆

NoSourDough · 04/10/2024 17:23

Yes!! You are awesome OP!

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:24

I think he sounds useless and lazy but I think your were being petty and I would have helped him, especially as if he wasn't able to file whatever the very outing document was, it could ultimately reflect on you as a co director.

MassiveOvaryaction · 04/10/2024 17:26

God no, YANBU at all. Why tf do these pricks assume just because you don't have a penis you're subservient?

DerekFaker · 04/10/2024 17:27

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 17:24

I think he sounds useless and lazy but I think your were being petty and I would have helped him, especially as if he wasn't able to file whatever the very outing document was, it could ultimately reflect on you as a co director.

How is it petty? It's not her job to skivvy for him, and with people like him if you give an inch they'll take a mile.

RawBloomers · 04/10/2024 17:27

He is an (almost certainly sexist) ass. But I wouldn’t have handled it that way. I wouldn’t have offered to walk him through it or otherwise baby him - that’s just more filling the gaps shit. He can work late and get himself trained and if he really can’t work it out he can ask the other director.

I would just have said “Sorry, you’ve had years to sort this out. You’re not the only who’s too busy.”