To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

[JennaRink]

Since we started dating he has always been strict about time keeping. Was always very early to our dates and he's on the spectrum.

We are going for a long weekend next week, the flight is 2 hours. He says he wants to go 3 hours before the flight.

I don't want to do this. I haven't come from a family that spent 3 hours in the airport and I never go earlier than 2. I see it as a waste of time.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together. On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

As someone on the spectrum, I can attest that we can be very inflexible. We don't mean to be, but it's like a switch in the brain that won't turn off, no matter how hard we try. We have routines, we have a way of doing things, and we need to stick to them. If things don't go the way they are "meant" to go, it causes our brain to crash and a meltdown ensues. Even something as small as there being no milk for the breakfast we "have" to eat every morning, can cause a severe meltdown, especiallyif there are other anxiety inducing factors at play (which there will be at an airport. Having just returned from a holiday in Australia, the 4 airports, on both ends of the holiday, were the hardest things to cope with!). We need a partner who can be understanding and accommodating about our neurodiverse needs. That's not to say we have to get our way every time, but there has to be a willingness to either compromise and/or understand. You seem to have neither of those. I really don't think you're cut out for being the partner of someone on the spectrum. And that's not a bad thing, it's just how it is. Some people can do it, some people can't. We are not easy partners! But you've booked and paid for this trip so you have to make the best of it. You do you and let him do him. Do be prepared for it to be a crap holiday though, being as it's going to get off to a bad start (if you stick to your guns and go to the airport separately, especially if there are problems and you end up being delayed, or heaven forbid, miss the flight altogether, he will be feeling resentful. If you give in, and go early, you'll be feeling resentful. This is a no win situation now). Also, be aware that he might not know why he needs to be there 3 hours before. I have several little routines that I have to follow, but I couldn't tell you WHY I have to follow them! If I were you I'd enjoy the break as best you can and then bid a fond farewell when you get home, because autism doesn't get better or improve over time....

I'm going to suggest that your best bet for long time reduction of time at the airport is to go with the 3 hours and show how much time you had to spare. Next time you have evidence of how easy it was so start creeping the time down but if you start at 2 hours and shit happens you'll be looking at 4 hours...

I have journeys to airports with potential for problems so I aim for 3.5 hours for public transport problems or motorway issues (or forgetting something vital), unless it's a flight to something I'm not too fussed on missing... I also usually have baggage to check in, again potential for queues...

I add time because of my journeys. If it were say Edinburgh airport from Edinburgh centre I'd be aiming for 2.5 hours to allow for a tram not to show, if starting from airport hotel on site then 2 hours is fine, shuttle buses, bit more "careful" as have got caught before with bad frequencies and not enough spaces and needed a £££ taxi and a rush.

I was also very glad to get to the airport early once when my direct flight was cancelled so they put me on an earlier flight, this was before the days of apps and easy foreign data so I had no idea until I tried to check in at the desk!

I have journeys to airports with potential for problems

I think a lot of us do (Woodhead Pass or unreliable Trans Pennine "Express"), which is why we are team boyfriend.

I assume the OP lives quite near her departure airport.

If you had a dh like mine, OP, who thinks it’s rollicking fun to time it so that you arrive at the airport with ‘last call’ flashing, and even better fun if there are traffic hold ups on the way, so that you only make it just as they’re about to close the aircraft doors - you might well prefer the relatively restful alternative.

Should add that I’ve had to learn the hard way to put my foot down!

3 hours is the advised time to be at an airport before your flight!
So yes YABU!

If it's that important to him just do it. My OH is like this and he does it as he is anxious otherwise. Some things you just have to give into no matter how ridiculous you find it.

The time has come, we fly tomorrow 😂

Hilariously I accidentally booked 2 tickets: x1 for 2.5 hours before and one for 3.5 hours before! Must have been subconscious.

He has confirmed he'll arrive 3 hours before. I haven't decided which bus I'll get yet.

Also the airline says 2 hours for short haul.

Is he also taking measures to deal with his anxiety.
Does he know that you are modifying your behaviour to accommodate his mental health issue, and that that should be acknowledged- or does he just assume his condition is the top priority in the relationship?

Get a grip! It’s an extra hour. You should always allow an extra hour buffer anyway in case you hit traffic on the way to the airport. Better to have an extra hour to shop/relax/have a drink rather than be late and risk missing the flight!

If its a budget airline, they often want you at the gate 40mins before take-off so 1 hr 20 isn't long for check in, bag drop, security, toilet, shopping, food etc.

Sounds like you just aren't that into him OP.

@LivingDeadGirlUK because I see my own wants as equal?

Sure.

Bit dramatic! People can be anxious about certain things without having a full blown anxiety disorder. It's called a compromise people in loving relationships often do that. I know it means more to him and because I love him I do it.

I know the airport says 2 hours however if we rocked up 2 hours before flying time in our airport we would be running to the gate. always Ryanair is the last bloody gate right at the end so that's at least 20 mins walk from end of where food is food is a 15 min walk from security. security is always bloody long 🙄 and bag drop of we have any takes ages too. we just back from tenerife leaving tenerife got there 3 hours before plane take and by time got through bag drop off through security we were shoving food in our mouths 10 mins before getting on the plane. its bloody horrendous rushing. go three hours before you do not know what is going to happen that will delay you and if nothing delays you have a nice drink before yoi get on the plane.

Im assuming this isnt the UK.?2 hours to clear check in and security in most airports could be cutting it fine resulting in you both bring stressed. We flew from a local airport to Greece 4 weeks ago and our agent suggested 4 hours. We got held up and arrived with 3 hours. Luckily our carrier has a great system to check you in and the airport had good teams at security but some airports are horrendous. You need to compromise or this doesn't look good for the future

You can’t seriously still be on this? Jfc.

Well no, because you must be early on in a relationship to be having your first trip away and your looking into your future with doom and gloom (over something pretty trivial tbh). Most people would be excited to spend time with their other half having a bite to eat or a few drinks before the plane, especially at the early stages.

My OH is obsessed with being everywhere 5 hours before we need to be and it's as annoying as fuck. I'm 100% with you OP. Living with someone who is very anxious is hard work and not something I'd choose if I had my time again.

And who can afford to eat at the airport last time we were there we paid nearly £40 to eat at Pret! It's a huge rip off.

@LivingDeadGirlUK it's not our first trip away, it's our third. First time in an airport though.

Well I'm not most people. I don't like airports, they stress me out. I think it's great that some (you it sounds) find it a more relaxing experience. I don't. Youre entitled to your opinion.

I'm looking forward to the time we'll spend together on our destination.

I hope you both have a great time, but seriously, you don’t sound like a great fit. If you see him wanting to be on time as you “always having to do things his way”, and resenting it, you’d be better off simply splitting up. There’s nothing more frustrating than being with someone who has a different idea of “timing”. If it’s point scoring and digging your heels in, this early on, then just move on and find someone else, and let him do the same.

You've said in your post he's on the spectrum, so with that potential comes alot of anxiety about things. One of these things may well be a fear of being late, or a problem arising. All of these things will cause immense stress and discomfort to your partner, I doubt very much these things cause you stress or anxiety to the extent it does for your partner. If you've spoken about it and they're not willing to budge on it, then I'd say suck it up and support them on this one. It's not the end of the world, for sure.

@Notwiththebullshizz I think it would really help if he would speak to me about how things affect him

He behaves like the autism isn't a factor and doesn't like me bringing it up when I'm just trying to get a sense of his experiences. He said it was patronising him by raising it.

I remember on our third date he arrived at the restaurant an hour before we were due to meet and he was soaked because the weather was awful! He hasn't done anything as extreme since though.

It took us 2 hours to get from the car park bus to the gate a couple weeks ago on the way to Lisbon.

Loads of queues for buses, we were in the security line for over an hour, then the absolute arse end of the airport furthest gate.

I'd much rather get there in good time and get the bags dropped and sit with a glass of wine.

Book yourself into the lounge and enjoy a few hours of peace with food and drinks on tap.

So he has to compromise and do it your way? You said yourself time keeping is important to him and you’ve always been aware of this so either suck it up and do something nice for someone else or go on your own later.