To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

[JennaRink]

Since we started dating he has always been strict about time keeping. Was always very early to our dates and he's on the spectrum.

We are going for a long weekend next week, the flight is 2 hours. He says he wants to go 3 hours before the flight.

I don't want to do this. I haven't come from a family that spent 3 hours in the airport and I never go earlier than 2. I see it as a waste of time.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together. On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

When is OP supposed to find this quiet place? After security? Before security? Near the gate?

I'm very glad that both me and DH are equally anxious about timings! We differ on other things of course, but allowing for plenty of time is one thing we both go a bit OTT on. I would find it hard to be with someone who was relaxed about time as it would cause so much anxiety.

I took a coach to Heathrow airport once and had decided on a coach that departed much earlier than I needed. Thank goodness as it broke down half way there. All the people who had not given themselves any flexibility on timing were freaking out big time! Meanwhile I was chill about the whole thing because I knew I had hours spare.

Giving in on this one thing (because, honestly, the stakes are high when it comes to getting to the airport and getting a flight in good time) does not mean you have to give in on everything forever. Perhaps just let this one go, then for other things where the risks from being late are much lower (dinner reservations, cinema, etc) you can stand your ground. And if he is never willing to compromise you will know you aren't compatible and can move on and find people you align better with.

I always do it after security then everything I have to do is done and all I have to do is wait until I can go to the gate. It really can be done. I do it all the time. You can also pay for a lounge. I’ve done this a few times too.

It's better to allow extra time for any delays and be there too early than be rushing to get there and possibly miss your flight. When I fly I'm there 4 hours before check in opens. You can never predict the traffic if there will be crashes or delays if traveling by train.

I'd just look at it as part of the trip - especially if you go for a drink/something to eat

What would you prefer to be doing for an hour?

OP have you ever heard the phrase 'pick your battles'? This is such a small thing you can do to make his life easier so why not do it? Why don't you compromise by saying, you'll agree to get there early and he pays for lounge access/a nice lunch/drinks or whatever?

There are usually some gates that are not in use where there is lots of seating. I was always on the look out for quiet space when my kids were small so they could move around.
It does sound as though someone who wants to be early and someone who doesn't like crowds might not be compatible but it doesn't make one of them better than the other.

I like to get there early as I get anxious about being late/transport to airport being delayed/traffic/trains cancelled. As far as I'm concerned, I can relax once I am through security. My partner has things that make him anxious, and I do what I can to alleviate that. Even if its something that puts me out or is something I'm not keen on. Because we care about each other and don't want the other feeling anxious.

Flying very soon. We always allow an extra hour for travel in case of problems, so are often there three hours before. For me it's the start of our holiday, a coffee and breakfast/a nice treat before flying, watching planes on the runway, just chilling, reading my book and being with my husband. Both of us would be anxious if there was a problem before getting to the airport, so more comfortable to allow for that.

I don't think he's the person for you...

He can maybe change to a degree or not.

What understanding do you have of autism/adhd/whatever his diagnosis

@mathanxiety

*Autism isn't a one size fits all condition, fyi.

Yes, I know... I am AuDHD as are both my kids, my three half siblings and several other members of my family. But thanks for the patronising update in my education. Much appreciated.

A support group sounds an excellent idea!

”We might get stuck behind a tractor” is my
Dad’s constant refrain. Which is fair enough where they live, but when repeated to me who lives in London and probably going by public transport anyway, is less sensible!

No, no one is better than the other but OP is willing to compromise.

No she isn't!

My husband likes to get to the airport with minutes to spare, I like to get there 3 hours early.

We have missed two flights over the years and spent a fortune rebooking.

We always get there early now

Yes she is. She said ‘For me 2.5 hours would be a compromise’.

RTFT

I don't think it's dramatic on the part of the OP to want to spend just two hours at the airport. I don't think it's dramatic to not want to be spoken to 'severely' or to expect a compromise or even some acknowledgement of her wants and needs.

He could have said, "I understand you find it hard to be in the airport for three hours, and I'm not insisting you do. How about we get to the airport separately? I'll be fine there and you'll be comfortable arriving with two hours to spare, and we won't start our holiday on a bum note."

Women are not being "dramatic" when they stand up for their needs in a relationship. It's OK for a woman to observe that all the compromising is coming from them and to smell a rat.

"Dramatic" is a pejorative that is often deployed against women who are perceived as going against the "be kind" orthodoxy, to shame them into silence and compliance.

i couldn’t deal with you op. Every traffic jam or long line would cause me so much stress without a large buffer. we wouldn’t last as a couple.

Oh you're so right, I should have RTFT. Her neurodiverse partner wants an hour, she's have a massive strop over half an hour.

Always changing the goal posts, eh?

First you say she’s not compromising and then you say it’s not good enough.

You yourself have done your share of patronizing, thanks.

It depends which airport
Also day of week
Time of day

As mentioned upthread - for e.g. if Stansted 2 hrs is always only just enough time…(security is the issue there).

Or e.g. Gatwick - train terminated unexpectedly at a stop short of the airport - with no onward travel instructions.

Kindly - you do come across as inflexible in your replies here though…

If you've proposed 2.5 hours ahead and demonstrated that it's plenty of time per the airline's rec for that route and based on your past experience, and he still says he can't go less than 3, I'd give up trying to convince him to change his mind. (Maybe he can get help with his anxiety, but not before this trip.)

So, I'd figure out if there's a way for me to use that extra time at the airport - for example, if I'd be reading or on line during the extra time at home, I'd just do that at the airport. Or browse duty free. Or get a bite to eat. Also depends how much hassle it is to go separately; it wouldn't bother me at all to meet him there UNLESS it's a much bigger hassle to go separately - for example, if he's driving and paying for parking anyway it may save you more time and hassle (and money) just to go with him rather than. say, your taking public transit or a ride share.

If you do decide to go with him on his timescale, it doesn't mean he always has to get his way, just that he gets his way this time. I'd view it as a practicality rather than a matter of principle and just use common sense on whether you want to go along with it this time or do your own thing.

Yup, hands up, I'm the unreasonable one here.

Pages back I suggested she goes to the airport when she wants, and he goes to the airport when he wants. But according to the OP, they must travel to the airport together.

If it’s a solution that you’re both happy with then go with it. Personally I would be much happy meeting DH and kids at the boarding gate than travelling with them to the airport but I don’t think that would go down too well!