To not want to go to the airport 3 hours before?

[JennaRink]

Since we started dating he has always been strict about time keeping. Was always very early to our dates and he's on the spectrum.

We are going for a long weekend next week, the flight is 2 hours. He says he wants to go 3 hours before the flight.

I don't want to do this. I haven't come from a family that spent 3 hours in the airport and I never go earlier than 2. I see it as a waste of time.

But it seems ridiculous not to go together. On the other hand, why should I agree to go at his time?

My initial reaction is that it's not a big deal but I do understand what you're saying about always having to change your preference to manage his anxiety. Do you not have anything that you feel strongly about where he compromises or goes with your choice? DH needs to be at the airport early (at least 3 hours but preferably stay at an airport hotel the night before) and so I go with that. I am anxious about parking so DH will either drive if it's somewhere new or if I'm going on my own he will help me figure out the best parking options. DH likes to go to bed at 10 weekdays and I like to go to bed together so I go up when he does (would otherwise happily stay up a bit) and I like to make the decisions on holidays (where to eat etc) so he's quite happy to let me do that. It doesn't always work to compromise for each one but, wherever possible, you should strive for both to be comfortable. If you don't like crowds, the compromise could be to go to the airport early but book a lounge or get a nice meal in one of the more quiet restaurants once you're through security.

💯

A voice of reason.

Why can you not show some compassion to someone you care about? It’s a small adjustment to make with minimal impact on you? Why would you not want to do something to make a stressful experience easier for him? Do you know anything about autism? Do you know anything about how distressing it can be for someone with autism to travel? Yes, it’s not your responsibility to manage his autism but I would hope that you have the capacity and empathy to look beyond what’s your responsibility and show some care because you are able to help a fellow human being.

Why can’t he show some compassion to her anxiety about crowded places?

There are other ways to make it less stressful that you could suggest.

You can use fast track security, it doesn’t cost much if you book it before hand and it’s a less stressful queue.

He could wear a sunflower lanyard, that way if he does get stressed he can ask for help and may also get fast tracked through passport control and other places.

But I do think that as a couple you end up compromising on hard boundaries over time, even if that is eventually traveling apart! So, maybe for this trip you could go the 3hrs early and see how it feels. You could also introduce him to fast track security and a lanyard to see if that makes him feel calmer anyway. Enjoy the restaurant or bar before hand too. See it as a practice run.

I hate airports, there are so many ways to lose time and I have no control of those. I am never relaxed until I am in my seat…but the worst thing is a slow moving security queue, makes me feel so sick! So nowadays I spend the £6 to fast track and it makes me a much calmer person!

Indeed. I forgot that I had edited the comment before posting - I intended to imply he should dump her and then changed my mind. Am also AuDHD and was distracted by the door bell. Apologies.

But the crowded place thing can be dealt with. Once they are there they can find somewhere quiet away from the crowds. The crowds are going to be at the airport regardless of how early/late they get there. She will still have to deal with them and then be able to get away from them for the extra time.

Considering you mentioned in an earlier post that he’s essentially said this is what I’m doing do what you like kind thing it really does sound like it is, otherwise you do risk being the one who is inflexible by insisting you have to get to the airport together.
The compromise doesn’t have to be a time you get there by, it could instead be that you both do what’s right for you and meet up stress-free at the gate.

No worries, sympathies on the AuDHD distraction.

You’re making this into a fight with a winner and a loser. It doesn’t have to be. You could decide to go early to the airport because it means a lot to your partner and will make for a harmonious trip.

I can’t think of a single uncrowded area at the airport near me. Maybe the prayer room.

Does depend on the airport to some degree

Manchester- prob a good idea
exeter- no way

Agreed

Completely agree with you. This relationship doesn't sound healthy if 60 mins at an airport causes this much drama and they would both be better off not in it. OP should date someone who is NT and then compromise wouldn't be an issue, which she is clearly struggling with by having a ND partner.

However OP is insisting she's a good partner to him.

It does seem a bit early for a European flight, but better safe than sorry eh? Me and DH like to get early to the airport, (like 1.5 hours before the flight,) and it is an hour's drive to the airport (so we allow 2 hours in case of delay.)

So yeah, we leave around 3.5 hours before the flight. Madness I know, but better than missing the flight. I would rather be hanging about at the airport for 2 hours than miss the flight. What else are you going to be doing (at home) @JennaRink May as well just get to the airport early!

I think @Itisjustmyopinion advice is the answer, OP, if your DP is ok with it. I always go by what the travel agent's guidelines are. I too hate airports and find flying boring af. However, I aim to arrive 3 hours earlier that flight if that is advised because you never know what might happen. Sometimes we book one of the Lounges.

I'm up for a support group if you are. Something to stop me saying 'Dad, it's an eight-minute drive to the restaurant, even in traffic, which there's unlikely to be at 7.45 pm on a Tuesday, and there is a big car park virtually next door. There is no need to leave at 7 pm for an 8 pm reservation! Just like you don't need to get to the theatre before 7 for an 8 pm play!'

Fair enough, he's not insisting onyou doing the same. Yabu

I have a friend who would do this, but no way would I date him. However he isn't autistic as far as I know.

He would also walk half a mile out of his way to a train station further away from his destination when the ticket machine at his local station wasn't working (rather than just getting on the train and buying a ticket when the opportunity arose).

He also had a special way of locking the door and then, after carefully locking it twice, double checking it was still locked.

Things had to be kept in a certain place, even if it was illogical or inconvenient. And he was a stickler for pointless ritual/routine.

Lovely, intelligent guy, but I couldn't stand those things being part of my daily life. I think you need to consider whether you have the patience to date someone with ASD. It's not wrong if you don't, but it would be unfair to repeatedly make him feel bad about things he can't help doing.

I always aim for 3 hours before. You can very easily need two hours to get through all the queues at bag-drop and security and to get to the gate. Therefore, I think it's wise to aim for 3 hours before in case something happens with transport on the way there.

Maybe you haven’t looked. As a person who is extremely anxious around crowds and with a hatred of airports (and possibly autistic) I have always found a quieter place. I also use noise reducing ear buds.

Just to add, we have a 6am flight in a couple of weeks, we will be aiming to arrive at car-parking garage three hours before . Airport is an hour's drive away. Is it worth going to bed??? But means we get to holiday by lunchtime, so I'm happy about that.

Maybe she doesn't love him as much as you think she does?
Maybe she finds some of his traits irritating?
Maybe she's developing the ick?

Yes, I agree, there's no point flogging a dead horse.

You can sign on for a relationship without understanding exactly what you're in for, and realise you're not an equal, that you're expected to manage a partner's anxiety or always do things his FYI.

In your desire to make passionate and considerate allowances for the anxiety, you can end up tiptoeing around big areas of life, and even communication can become difficult. You can find yourself setting aside a lot of your own needs and wants because the partner has needs or wants that he expects you to pander to, and yes, I'm going to use that word. It can all start to feel very one way - that one person's life is supported and the other's is not. That sort of pattern can even be experienced as abuse.

*Autism isn't a one size fits all condition, fyi.

Oh, so your boyfriend is expected to make himself uncomfortable to placate your anxiety? Hypocritical at best, downright nasty at worst

@JennaRink have you luggage to check in? If not, little point in getting there 3 hours ahead if you’re like me and can’t stand how busy it may be/don’t want to eat or shop. If no luggage to check in then as you know, you only need time to get through security and get to the gate before closing time which is usually stated as 30 minutes before departure. The absolute minimum I’d be comfortable with would be to get to the terminal 1.5 hours before an international flight but normally I’m there 2-2.5 hours ahead unless going at peak time of day when I know the queues are big. The problem is actually what happens when you get stuck en route to the airport or allow traffic time and then you are accidentally early!

Could you suggest Fastrack security to avoid the security queues, allowing you to be there a little later?