Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Starting my Social Services parenting class today. Filled with rage. AIBU?

134 replies

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 09:47

My 7 year old daughter told me about abuse by her father - weird controlling stuff about toilet use and being strangled when he was angry.

I reported the abuse and there was no negative consequence for him. The idiot social worker suggested to my daughter's face that she was lying because my daughter didn't demonstrate that she protested forcefully enough when being strangled. I was told I need to support the father/daughter relationship more.

My punishment for reporting the abuse is that I have to attend 20 hours of parenting courses, starting today. I could have used this time to do things with/for my daughter.

AIBU to feel rage over this?

OP posts:
Crowsandbadgers · 04/10/2024 11:21

I would make timed and dated diary notes. Evidence of all communications.

Then when she is 18 I would see if she wants to take legal advice on being forced to see an abusive parent. If she does you have every name/date and time for her.

Sadly I think the only way this will change is if the children of abusers force change via the justice system when they become adults. It’s a disgrace.

At 10/11 she can attend court and they may listen to her if she no longer wants to see him. But I’d document every thing and keep every scrap of evidence I had.

hoglets · 04/10/2024 11:22

ICarriedTheWatermelon · 04/10/2024 09:59

Well this is sinister - you report your physical abuse of a child, and YOU get punished? 😳YANBU

Please appeal and report the social worker.

You clearly have no idea. It's a very vindictive system and standing up to it will only make things worse. It's the worst think OP could do. It's completely dysfunctional.

Arran2024 · 04/10/2024 11:23

Hi I'm sorry but this is really common - the courts and social workers nearly always try to maintain contact with both parents, often with catastrophic results, and those parents who complain are treated badly.

I would suggest you join groups for mothers in your situation - there must be online groups - and get good practical info about what to do going forward. The parenting course is kind of irrelevant tbh - the bigger issue is keeping your daughter safe from this man and not allowing him to use the courts and sws against you going forward.

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 11:24

Stressedafff · 04/10/2024 11:17

If the system and the courts weren’t so hellbent on these scumbags seeing their children in the first place she wouldn’t have to coparent.
How many women are stuck in DV relationships now so that they can make sure their children aren’t ever alone with their dad? The current system opens up a thousand possibilities for these men to abuse their ex/child and if SS refuse to engage then what do you do? You’re powerless.

^ yes.

Though someone like my ex is so litigious and aggressive - and superficially charming - that he would find a way to prevail either way probably.

OP posts:
C152 · 04/10/2024 11:24

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 09:51

It has made been clear to me that recording anything is considered to be very wrong. I recorded my daughter telling me about the abuse and this was viewed as proof that I am a bad parent.

Edited
Show quote history

Social workers can't stand you recording them (presumably because you then have evidence of their lies), but you are legally allowed to record your interactions with professionals for your own records.

I'm so sorry you're in this godawful situation, OP. YANBU at all.

Original poster
BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 11:26

AgileGreenSeal · 04/10/2024 11:18

No one in the system will care.
literally no one.

Show quote history

This is correct. Abuse against the mother is considered irrelevant to child abuse allegations.

OP posts:
Edingril · 04/10/2024 11:27

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 11:26

This is correct. Abuse against the mother is considered irrelevant to child abuse allegations.

Show quote history

Women have a choice children do not

ThatsNotMyTeen · 04/10/2024 11:28

Jesus

i don’t even know what to say

AgileGreenSeal · 04/10/2024 11:30

BigSmallFigBall · 04/10/2024 11:05

My daughter only trusts me. It's a symptom of the abuse (imo) and part of the overall problem.

I doubt that being disbelieved by SS helped.

Show quote history

I think this is really important.

When a child makes a disclosure to a trusted parent and then finds the courage to disclose to a stranger (a SW) and then is disbelieved /accused of lying, and nothing changes, and she has to resume contact with her (now furious, abusive) dad what can we expect the child to think, feel and do?

The next time it happens to bypass the trusted parent and try her luck with another ‘stranger’ ?

Or accept her fate, lose her confidence that telling the truth was the best thing to do, and go deep into her own psyche to try to survive?

ArabellaScott · 04/10/2024 11:31

I hope YANBU because I'm fucking raging on your behalf and your DDs behalf. I would be reporting that social worker as hard as I could, but I understand that you can't jeopardise your situation. It's utterly enraging, heartbreaking, infuriating and wrong, OP. I'm so very, very sorry.

listsandbudgets · 04/10/2024 11:31

KissMyArt · 04/10/2024 10:05

It looks like they think whatever's going on in the child's life, is 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other if you both have to take parenting classes.

Out of interest have you ever actually been on the receiving end of Social Services because to me that sounds like the sort of thing that either

a) would be said by a social worker attempting to justify the system
b) someone who has never experienced their input and thinks child protection social services are well meaning and fair

Unfortunately child protection works within a system that doesn't leave much room for compassion or discretion and I feel sorry for the SWs who have to implement it

ArabellaScott · 04/10/2024 11:31

There was a thread on this recently in feminism, and a politician was talking about it. I suggest getting in touch with her ... I'll try and find the thread.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 04/10/2024 11:31

ApricotLime · 04/10/2024 11:10

Would the police really ignore a video of a child being abused because the mum shouldn't have filmed? Why?

Remember Alfie Steele? Neighbours recorded him screaming while he was bieng abused and called police. Police may not have ignored the evidence but they still didn't arrest the abusers until Alfie was dead.

TuVuoiFaLamericano · 04/10/2024 11:32

This thread has been a terrifying read.

I'm so sorry, op. You and your daughter deserve better.

AgileGreenSeal · 04/10/2024 11:33

Edingril · 04/10/2024 11:27

Women have a choice children do not

Show quote history

Correct.
Contact orders are made and children are not given a choice whether to be with that person or not.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/10/2024 11:34

Edingril · 04/10/2024 11:27

Women have a choice children do not

Show quote history

And there speaks someone with no idea of what they're talking about when it comes to the complexities of DV and SS / CP.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 04/10/2024 11:35

YANBU that is insane.

But don’t go in angry I think it’ll make things worse.

What a horrible predicament, there’s no wonder abuse is rife.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/10/2024 11:37

Also - solidarity to OP. Not been exactly in your position but the experience I do have, and things I've heard about through friends with written proof mean I don't doubt anything you're saying. No words of wisdom but plenty of empathy. The system is broken and every time some authoritarian jobsworth uses the phrase "best interests of the child" I'm a little bit sick in my mouth because it so very rarely is.

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 04/10/2024 11:39

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 04/10/2024 10:28

I would not listen to people saying shout loud, MP, over social media etc. This is your daughter’s private life. In my lengthy experience the ones who shout loudest are often not the ones that should be complaining. Having said that I would advise you to work with your social worker. Some social workers are very fooled by articulate men. Documentation is important as is working with professionals.

Your comment about some social workers being fooled by articulate men rings very true.

In my extended family we had a time a decade ago when we had social services involvement due to the father's treatment of a child and the mother covering it up. It turned out that the mother was being emotionally abused( this was before coercive control became a crime) and was dominated by her extremely manipulative and calculating husband.

He was an extremely articulate and outwardly charming man in his early thirties, added to which he was very good looking. The social worker was a 23 year old woman and was completely captivated by him. I was looking after the child and so went to all the meetings with the LA and saw how she reacted to him and how she was taken in by him, let him dominate meetings, believed him when he twisted facts etc, it made my blood boil but couldn't do anything because the solicitor had said to do everything social services asked. Fortunately the CAFCASS guardian and the barrister ultimately saw through him, but he had gained many advantages from manipulating that social worker.

AgileGreenSeal · 04/10/2024 11:40

listsandbudgets · 04/10/2024 11:31

Out of interest have you ever actually been on the receiving end of Social Services because to me that sounds like the sort of thing that either

a) would be said by a social worker attempting to justify the system
b) someone who has never experienced their input and thinks child protection social services are well meaning and fair

Unfortunately child protection works within a system that doesn't leave much room for compassion or discretion and I feel sorry for the SWs who have to implement it

Show quote history

“and I feel sorry for the SWs who have to implement it”

I would cut off my right arm before I would work in this diabolical system.

WaneyEdge · 04/10/2024 11:41

SunQueen24 · 04/10/2024 10:49

My DH reported his exes new BF for using class A drugs and abusing alcohol in front of the kids. They asked my DH if his child was at risk right now, if so they instructed him to replace the receiver and dial 999. If no, he should hang up and call 999 if there was an immediate risk. DH asked how he could assess the risk without being there and wanted to discuss his concerns. They said drug users and alcoholics can be good parents. We just encourage them to get childcare before a binge…. I’m sure drug users and alcoholics can be good parents but I’m not sure there’s a dial-a-childcare service for when you want to get shitfaced.

Show quote history

My ex’s (from a long time ago) DF was an SS director. He had started as a SW, probably in the 1980s. He said the exact same thing to me about alcoholics and drug addicts “making very good parents”. I was about 18/19 at the time and just thought WTF?

I often wonder if any of the children who were made to have contact with abusive/inadequate parents have ever sued SS/council as adults for putting them in danger.

crackofdoom · 04/10/2024 11:46

Before this happened to someone close to me, I would never have believed something like this could happen.

But it did. DC made a disclosure to the mother of shocking abuse perpetrated by the father- mother informed SS and police and was duly accused of parental alienation- it went to the family court and the abuser now has custody of his DC.

Mother did go to her MP and was told "What do you expect me to do? I'm not a solicitor" 😡 (glad to say that since 4th July that individual is no longer an MP).

I have since discovered that Jess Philips MP is running a campaign specifically to change practice around this in the family courts. Apparently half of her mailbox consists of emails from (mostly) women in similar terrible situations. I know that the family courts aren't involved in your case OP, but maybe it's worthwhile reaching out to her?

I also know that Womens' Aid are campaigning on this matter.

Sending you strength.

AgileGreenSeal · 04/10/2024 11:48

MistressoftheDarkSide · 04/10/2024 11:34

And there speaks someone with no idea of what they're talking about when it comes to the complexities of DV and SS / CP.

Show quote history

You are 100% right- this poster’s comments indicate zero understanding. However in one sense it is true- children have no choice - the court orders contact and contact has to happen.
A woman can avoid contact with an abuser.
A child cannot. 😢