Starting my Social Services parenting class today. Filled with rage. AIBU?

[BigSmallFigBall]

My 7 year old daughter told me about abuse by her father - weird controlling stuff about toilet use and being strangled when he was angry.

I reported the abuse and there was no negative consequence for him. The idiot social worker suggested to my daughter's face that she was lying because my daughter didn't demonstrate that she protested forcefully enough when being strangled. I was told I need to support the father/daughter relationship more.

My punishment for reporting the abuse is that I have to attend 20 hours of parenting courses, starting today. I could have used this time to do things with/for my daughter.

AIBU to feel rage over this?

Great advice

It's not a "punishment" OP. Just go, you never know, they might teach you some tactics you hadn't thought of previously.

I bet your ex doesn't go to every session.

I think they were suggesting that she was lying, since someone who had been strangled would obviously respond more forcefully. Apparently including a tiny child being throttled by a grown man.

I'd have a chat with your DC and let them know if there's anything they feel uncomfortable about or that scares them at home then they should tell their teachers at school about it. A disclosure like that will trigger a safeguarding investigation and it's not you making the report so no parental alienation angle especially if you haven't mentioned your ex just any time they are sad or worried they can tell a teacher.

Being patronising? By understanding that op has been through an horrendous situation and will have to continue Co parenting with this man? By understanding that she has to do a parenting course she doesn’t want to do? For suggesting that she might meet other parents there in a similar situation? For trying to help her find ways to get through this bit (the course she has to do) feeling less angry and upset?

This is what I came to suggest.

I take it they are viewing it as parental alienation?

It is absolutely punishment, for raising the issue.

The model seems to be

1. ”contact at all costs” even if one parent has a history of abusive behaviour and abuse is being currently reported.
2. both parents need to be managed / re-educated to successfully co-parent. The non-abusive parent must be made to believe that “work” done by SS with the abuser has been successful and that all is now good.
3. any prior history of domestic abuse against the mother is disregarded by SS and said mother must be re-educated to believe that her erstwhile abuser is now a reformed character and has changed his behaviour in spite of the evidence in front of her.
4. any abusive behaviour reported by said mother is evidence of her being at fault (trying to alienate the child/ren from the other parent/ trying to get revenge on other parent / not ‘moving on’) rather than a genuine report of contemporary abuse against a person with a history of abusive behaviour.
5. if said mother persists in making reports of abusive behaviour against the other parent she is deemed to be definitely guilty of parental alienation and needs to have her child/ren removed and placed with the other parent.

Well you are both her parents, you both had her as a child so maybe the parenting lessons may help you learn things to parent with the person you chose to be a parent with?

What “tactics” might the mother learn that will help her daughter the next time she is being strangled by her father? 🤔

My daughter only trusts me. It's a symptom of the abuse (imo) and part of the overall problem.

I doubt that being disbelieved by SS helped.

I have been retired an awfully long time now but I was a child care social worker. It is often difficult to read between the lines and discover the truth of what happened when an allegation is made but the over-riding duty of the social worker is to protect the child. This is what appears to be lacking here and also appears to be unprofessional and unsafe practice by the social worker.

OP, in my opinion, you should complain to your MP. He/she will usually do very little other than send your letter to the departmental head of your local social services and from there it goes down the line to the social worker who dealt with your case. It will be noted and the social worker will have to justify their actions. Write as eloquently as you can, stating what you have said here, and express your concern that strategies have not been put in place to protect your daughter in the future. Going public will do you no good at all so avoid tik tok, FB, and the rest and remain dignified.

Social work practices and law have changed since I was working but the basic tenet of child care social work is to ensure that the child is protected. This should not have changed. In your scenario it appears that the baby has been thrown out with the bath water.

Good luck with getting this resolved.

correct, they absolutely will not tolerate recordings of any kind, particularly recording a child making a disclosure.

If you can't record, can you give her a smart watch that tracks her heart rate, movement, etc. That might give some physical evidence? That's a long shot though.

This ^

It won’t meet “the threshold”.

I totally understand this. People think that SS are there to help/protect/support families but having dealing with SS myself, I found the system to be punitive and completely dysfunctional. No help and support. Just trying to assign blame and then it throws the family under the bus. I am so sorry you are dealing with this but I am afraid you have to go along. Standing up for yourself will only result in further punishments.

Would the police really ignore a video of a child being abused because the mum shouldn't have filmed? Why?

Have you any experience of this system?

Yes - complaining is apparently a ‘red flag’ for either attention seeking or covering up behaviour so it is viewed negatively . In turn this means those in power who abuse that position are never held accountable as it’s classed as a vexatious complaint

Is her dad attending courses too?

Go to the courses and see what you gain
Talk to the tutor

Apologies if I got the intent of your post wrong.

@BigSmallFigBall Does your local Women's Aid run any self defense classes? They might be able to offer some better advice on how your little girl can protect herself and help you provide the proof you need to get this vile man out of your lives. At the very least you know they are trained in handling abuse and won't be defending your ex.

If the system and the courts weren’t so hellbent on these scumbags seeing their children in the first place she wouldn’t have to coparent.
How many women are stuck in DV relationships now so that they can make sure their children aren’t ever alone with their dad? The current system opens up a thousand possibilities for these men to abuse their ex/child and if SS refuse to engage then what do you do? You’re powerless.

No one in the system will care.
literally no one.

💐 for you OP