Starting my Social Services parenting class today. Filled with rage. AIBU?

[BigSmallFigBall]

My 7 year old daughter told me about abuse by her father - weird controlling stuff about toilet use and being strangled when he was angry.

I reported the abuse and there was no negative consequence for him. The idiot social worker suggested to my daughter's face that she was lying because my daughter didn't demonstrate that she protested forcefully enough when being strangled. I was told I need to support the father/daughter relationship more.

My punishment for reporting the abuse is that I have to attend 20 hours of parenting courses, starting today. I could have used this time to do things with/for my daughter.

AIBU to feel rage over this?

I reported exh for having a convicted sex offender upstairs playing Xbox with our dc. The woman at ss said it would have been nice for the dc to have had a catch up with the said offender.. Exh made dc lie to Cafcass and say it never happened... Guess who they believed?

I would not listen to people saying shout loud, MP, over social media etc. This is your daughter’s private life. In my lengthy experience the ones who shout loudest are often not the ones that should be complaining. Having said that I would advise you to work with your social worker. Some social workers are very fooled by articulate men. Documentation is important as is working with professionals.

This is typical SS behaviour, I’m sorry to say.

I’ve seen similar.

So sorry this is happening to you, OP. 😢

You can feel rage or you can choose to participate with an open mind and see if this course can help you with parenting in a difficult situation.

I’m sorry that you have experienced this but if I were you I would be open to support. Parenting is bloody difficult - even with two good, non abusive parents - and you can’t change her father. Maybe this course will be of some benefit to you, even if it is just meeting other parents who may be experiencing similar difficulties (by which I mean the situation with your ex).

what I’m trying to say is you are in this situation, you can’t change it but you can change how you look at it. If you look at this course as a “punishment” and continue with that narrative you will become more angry and bitter - which ultimately is only going to damage you. You will find plenty of people who will happily agree with you and rage at the system and the “useless social workers” but you will still be in the same situation, just more filled with righteous indignation and resentment which isn’t going to help you one iota.

They closed the case. They are so unconcerned for my daughter's safety they gave both parents the same punishment and sent us off!

This is no professional

My daughter doesn't give me any trouble. She's really amazing.

My intention if asked for objectives is to say I want strategies to help a child who has been abused.

I agree with a PP. Don’t kick up a big fuss to them, note down everything, any concerns and keep reporting where necessary.
I can genuinely see why people dislike social services so bloody much.

Gosh a friend reported her ex after her DD said a couple things that could be taken either way. But she felt she had to report it as her DD (6 at the time) visited him on her own. Social services came down on him like a ton of bricks and he wasn't allowed to see his DD without supervision while they investigated. The DD couldn't say much more and was happy to see her father so it was eventually dropped, but it has permanently affected his relationship with his other (teenage) kids and huge animosity to his ex. Shocking that you have not been supported.

This is not my experience. SS has only come to MY home and has fully given my ex the benefit of the doubt.

Be very careful engaging here.....

From experience

agree with SW about everything, smile & nod
jump through every hoop they put in front of you
try to extricate yourself from their attention
endure the abuse until your child grows up

There is no other way through this nightmare.
so sorry, OP. 😢

This is correct. Play the game, get away from them. Keep evidence for if you need it.

I'm so sorry

Because they dont want to. It’s inconvenient for them if theres any truth to those accusations and they have bigger problems on their caseload. So people like OP are fobbed off so they can tick a box, justify their actions and crack on.

You have got to complain about this! Don't just accept it!

My DH reported his exes new BF for using class A drugs and abusing alcohol in front of the kids. They asked my DH if his child was at risk right now, if so they instructed him to replace the receiver and dial 999. If no, he should hang up and call 999 if there was an immediate risk. DH asked how he could assess the risk without being there and wanted to discuss his concerns. They said drug users and alcoholics can be good parents. We just encourage them to get childcare before a binge…. I’m sure drug users and alcoholics can be good parents but I’m not sure there’s a dial-a-childcare service for when you want to get shitfaced.

This.

unfortunately, this is the best advice.

Parenting isn’t just about your child’s behaviour.

FWIW strategies for supporting an abused child are the same as strategies for supporting any child.

You are coming across as very angry which is completely understandable. If your daughter picks up on your resentment and anger there is a risk that she will choose not to tell you things in future - because she won’t want mum to be upset. Obviously I’m not suggesting you are speaking to her the way you’re speaking to other adults on here, but children are very perceptive and I’m sure she is already aware of a difficult relationship between you and her father.

I truly understand why you’re angry, I’m just suggesting that if you can try and change your mindset the course may be of some benefit - and even if it’s not, if you can choose to be less angry and resentful about doing it then it will be easier to get through!

So the social worker was victim blaming your daughter for being strangled by her father?

This was exactly what happened.

cost them far far less time and money.

they were forced to apologise and pay compensation, but the damage they’ve done is immeasurable.

@Pollymollydolly you’re being patronising. OP is angry because she is powerless to protect her daughter from a perceived threat, which goes against every fibre of your being as an adult. Social services have inserted a barrier and shifted responsibility back to OP, not empowered her or supported her.

Your post is doing the exact same.

That's infuriating OP. All of it. I remember your previous post.

Sounds like they are worried they might have to actually protect her. Ditto punishing you for reporting abuse so you don't do it again.

Play the game - try not to see the parenting classes as a punishment - keep telling them how valuable they are - make intelligent and perceptive remarks during the session so it goes on record that you are cooperative and self-aware and a good parent. Don't go there feeling and showing angry - it will not help in the long run.

I know it is a PITA but you need to play the long game here. Your chidlren will benefit in the end.