Starting my Social Services parenting class today. Filled with rage. AIBU?

[BigSmallFigBall]

My 7 year old daughter told me about abuse by her father - weird controlling stuff about toilet use and being strangled when he was angry.

I reported the abuse and there was no negative consequence for him. The idiot social worker suggested to my daughter's face that she was lying because my daughter didn't demonstrate that she protested forcefully enough when being strangled. I was told I need to support the father/daughter relationship more.

My punishment for reporting the abuse is that I have to attend 20 hours of parenting courses, starting today. I could have used this time to do things with/for my daughter.

AIBU to feel rage over this?

I would be inserting spyware into my dd's stuff she takes to see her df... My ex was a convincing nice man in public.. I threw a Cafcass woman out of my home... The whole system leaves dc wide open to abusers.

It has made been clear to me that recording anything is considered to be very wrong. I recorded my daughter telling me about the abuse and this was viewed as proof that I am a bad parent.

Sadly this does not surprise me AT ALL. Is there anywhere you can report to? MP perhaps?

I have been thinking about this, actually! We have a new MP in my area who I think is really switched on.

Well this is sinister - you report your physical abuse of a child, and YOU get punished? 😳YANBU

Please appeal and report the social worker.

My expensive solicitor made it clear that this will just make me look like a troublemaker. This is how the system works.

This doesn’t sound right and I would be extremely angry as well, in the same position. Can you ask your social worker exactly why you’re being penalised and not your abusive husband?

No. They closed the case. He and I have the exact same punishments.

So he is doing parenting classes too? He's not been exonerated? I guess that's something, but not sure why you have to do it too. Seems harsh

It looks like they think whatever's going on in the child's life, is 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other if you both have to take parenting classes.

Do they think that you've encouraged your DD to make false allegations? If so, then they should be clear they suspect this so you have the opportunity to rebut it. Or do they think your DD has made false allegations because shes troubled and the classes are to help you support her? At the moment there appears to be no explicit link between the allegations and you having to attend the classes so my first step would be to ask them the reason for it, what they expected to be achieved by it etc. then take if from there. While you should always cooperate, that doesn't mean blind compliance with any instruction if you don't understand the reason and purpose.

Dear god, I’m so very sorry to read this. As a professional, I’ve had dealings with some pretty unprofessional social workers but your post beats the lot.

In my experience, your best way forward is to try and appease the social workers by appearing to do everything they ask of you without comments. Very sadly, they hold the power. I’m thinking the child’s father is a manipulative twat.

Wouldn't your daughter being strangled be a police matter?

This is the abuser's playbook. My ex told them that I am a parental alienator etc. Even though this doesn't really happen much at all, it is viewed as being a credible accusation.

Social Services aren't fact finders and they find it difficult to tell who is telling the truth. They also don't receive good training on abuse. So manipulative coercive controllers end up with the upper hand.

Social Services scolded me for calling the police and told me that I should have just discussed with my ex. The police said that it is a Social Services matter. They investigated but couldn't do anything since my ex denied the allegations.

Yup. Utter madness based on what you’ve said OP.

Welcome to the insane system.

strap yourself in. And don’t let it rob you if your sanity - because if you do that’s the nail in the coffin

This is the advice I wished id have had.

it’s all true.

SS are pretty useless when it comes to figuring out who’s the master manipulator.

I see. I also note you've had legal advice to cooperate. I'm very sorry OP. It nust be incredibly frustrating and also concerning because the allegations are serious and were not upheld.

Thank you. This is my understanding. It's part of what is making me so angry. I don't want to go along with things and act like I think that I deserve this.

Be as loud as you can, keep evidence. They can be worst than the abusers themselves and they use the same techniques. Biggest one is silencing you.

Try to just get out of the system quietly but if they want war, public as possible (TikTok, everywhere)

I await this thread being deleted by mumsnet

I want to shout from the rooftops but I can't really do this while I am still under the thumb of my daughter's and my abuser.

Was he violent with you OP? Do you have any medical records or work sickness records that could support this?

I understand. Keep all evidence and recordings of your interactions with them and the abuser. Don’t let your daughter know, don’t let anyone know.

Play it smart (I can see you already are)
Good luck 💖

The system needs a fucking overhaul. These men are given free rein to abuse their children through a male favoured process. I’m so angry for you OP.