Page 9 | Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

ChiffandBipper · 04/10/2024 14:17

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

Good for you OP.

The other mum is an entitled sponge and your sister is being a twit - why is she siding with this friend instead of defending you?!

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 14:19

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 14:07

No she didn’t ask but it was implied so it was then (wrongly) down to OP to ask the mum to take her daughter outside while they had their cigarette.

OP knew they were going, knew they had form for leaving her to watch the child and chose not to say that she wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on the child.

OP should not have been put in that situation but she didn’t handle it well either.

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So the OP should have read the mothers mind and that ‘I am going out for fag’ actually means ‘I am going out for half an hour me time, my DC is 8 but you will still need to keep an eye on her for me because she doesn’t always make the best decisions. So although we are not friends and we never agreed that you would offer childcare, I’m assuming you will do it, at the drop of a hat, just by me mentioning a fag break.’

So ‘I am going out for a fag’
‘I am sorry, I can’t watch your DC for you’

It wouldn’t make any sense.

InSearchOfMartin · 04/10/2024 14:24

Gosh they sound horrible. A bit skanky!

StaunchMomma · 04/10/2024 14:24

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

This is absolute bullshit. Don't fall for their emotional blackmail, OP.

I'd be pointing out that if they did contact SS the Mother is likely to be reminded that it's her responsibility to ensure someone is watching her child in her absence - swanning off for 20 minutes with no instruction is NOT IT!

I'd be telling them both to feck right off and never rely on you for assistance with their kids again.

As an aside, a family member tried this on me, once. She was visiting with a child her parents foster and decided to go out for a fag (coincidence or nah?!) and left the back door open while I was upstairs with her Mum (my Aunt) and my DS. Our house is big so I had no idea she'd gone out. Apparently she'd had to pop round to the front of the house to get a lighter out of her car and when she came back to the garden the child had left the house and was standing at the edge of one of our ponds (the exact reason we don't leave doors open in our house - which she full well knew). She had the audacity to go in on me about it and wasn't at all happy when I laid responsibility straight back on her.

Of course, the story she tells is somewhat different and paints her as the innocent party, but she and her Mother know the truth.

Don't be gaslit by people like that, OP. Tell her to where to go.

Floppyelf · 04/10/2024 14:33

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

Please keep us updated with their response.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/10/2024 14:36

Just tell her you're not able to watch her when she goes off

justasking111 · 04/10/2024 14:40

As a mother I worried about everyone's children. We happened to be going on holiday just after Madeleine was taken. At the resort guess who was the mug in the play park in the dark with a coffee watching strange children while their parents enjoyed the bar.

As a grandparent I've been to birthday parties in public spaces. I'll watch our five, but not the rest of them .

Garlicnaan · 04/10/2024 14:42

GPNightmare · 04/10/2024 12:18

This ^.

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

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Is the onus not on the parent to check their child is in safe hands? It's a bit like consent isn't it. Don't make assumptions.

It's still not OP's responsibility or fault.

It's sad for the child of course.

wombat15 · 04/10/2024 14:44

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 13:34

The OP was watching the child colour in her DD's colouring book, as the Mother walked away. It sounds like the OP and leader have gossiped about the situation, but done nothing. The leader has to have policies and procedures to open. The accident would have had to be noted and submitted to the LA. SS will have a word with her, if she tells the truth that she had concerns, but did nothing. She's broken safeguarding. I thought that most of us thought of child protection as everyone's business, obviously not.

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What leader? This a social club for adults!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/10/2024 14:47

They seem horrible. Both your sister and the friend.

They saw you were going to this club and clearly latched on to it, thinking “oooh free child care”.
clearly convinced themselves in their mind they were entitled to it “well she’s playing with her own children so much be happy to look after all and sundry”.

Does this “cig” involve taking drinks outside, and standing chatting with others by any chance
Theyre so unreasonable is unbelievable.

Your response sounds a good one though, well done.

Presumably people at this social club know you a lot better than them?

Cerealkiller4U · 04/10/2024 14:59

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

Tell them to report it. Cos they’ll get in trouble.

Iloveshoes123 · 04/10/2024 15:02

Good for you for sending that op, your sister is a total bitch and her friend is worse. How dare they blame you. OF course you shouldn't have to stop going, either they should supervise their children or stop going.

BirthdayRainbow · 04/10/2024 15:46

Fundays12 · 04/10/2024 08:04

Sorry OP I selected the wrong voting button and can't undo it 🙈. One of the 3 percent vote at the moment saying YABU was me in error. No you absolutely do not need to take responsibility for someone else's child because they want to gossip and have a fag. You are there for your children and your focus should be on them. Tell your sister to phone SW and you will explain to them that you barely know the child, most definitely didn't agree to watch the child before the mum left and where there with your own 2 children which is quite enough kids to care for on your own and you feel so sorry for the child that her mum has no concern for her safety so she ended up getting hurt because of this. I am sure reporting herself to SW is not something they had considered as the outcome. Your children were in your care at all time's you are not the one they will investigate.

Click on the answer you wanted and it changes.

Thfrog · 04/10/2024 15:47

Omg that's so bizarre.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/10/2024 15:51

"I have reached out and asked the club if needs be can SS have the CCTV footage and they have said yes 😊
Owner has said that the child can be wild and she has been thinking of having a word over her DDs behaviour"

It would be a very good thing if the owner had that word ASAP.

Fundays12 · 04/10/2024 15:53

Thanks I didn't know that

CautiousLurker · 04/10/2024 15:59

30percent · 04/10/2024 10:31

I disagree. This is ops place she has been going to it a lot longer than them. Why should she give it up? If they want to keep taking advantage then let them continue to leave the child to injure herself it's not ops problem it's the childs mother's problem. If she wasn't such a shit mother the child being injured the first time would be enough for her to change her ways

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I’d still go, let sister and friend chose their table and then, pointedly, go and find myself and my children a separate table as far away as possible to make it clear we are not there together and there is no reccprication of childcare expected or on offer. If Dsis kicks off, ignore and go do activities with your kids as if they aren’t there.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2024 16:00

@itsmeits

Great message!

I have a feeling neither will attend in the future, but if they do and they say "Off for a cig" that you respond "You need to take <child's name> with you as I am busy with my children so will not be watching her". And say it LOUD.

MotherJessAndKittens · 04/10/2024 16:02

It sounds like she's trying to make some story up for SS. Not your problem. Child is 8 and presumably spends some time playing not in sight of Mum. Sounds like there is more to it and maybe hospital have records of other instances of child being injured and reported. Would be on her records. Definitely not your circus!

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 16:03

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 14:19

So the OP should have read the mothers mind and that ‘I am going out for fag’ actually means ‘I am going out for half an hour me time, my DC is 8 but you will still need to keep an eye on her for me because she doesn’t always make the best decisions. So although we are not friends and we never agreed that you would offer childcare, I’m assuming you will do it, at the drop of a hat, just by me mentioning a fag break.’

So ‘I am going out for a fag’
‘I am sorry, I can’t watch your DC for you’

It wouldn’t make any sense.

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OP didn’t need to read the mother’s mind. Mum had done this before! OP knew exactly what was happening.

Equally, I think the time the mum was gone is irrelevant. She’s too young to be left alone in a public place for even 5 minutes.

This is why when the mum mentioned having a cigarette, OP had all the facts she needed to ask mum to take her child with her or find some other way of saying that she wouldn’t be able to watch her.

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2024 16:09

Brefugee · 04/10/2024 13:01

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

No. No. No.

It is like doing things in the military or other similar safety procedures. The first person asks the 2nd person if they are ready to assume responsiblity and don't take the next step unless they have a clear and unambiguous affermative reply

I don't know what you lot do, but with my smaller DCs i NEVER EVER left them alone unless i knew someone was actively, with their knowledge, keeping an eye on them.

Edited

Absolutely spot on.

As is the comparison to consent.

Ther are just some things you don't assume

itsjustbiology · 04/10/2024 16:17

Her child her responsibility..no blame on you

user1471538283 · 04/10/2024 16:26

Where we lived when my DS was small we would get neighbors like this. Tip the child out and then just expect whoever was there to mind them. No it doesn't work like this.

If I ever left my DS whilst I popped to get milk or something I'd always ask my neighbor to watch him, let him know she was watching him and I'd look after her DC in return. But it wasn't often.

You tell them both you have your own DC to look after. Let them report you. Report you to SS for not looking after a child that isn't yours and that you didn't agree to look after!

Also they've buggered up next time with this because you will never look after the child.

Original poster

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 16:30

Not once have I ever offered to watch the child.
Not once have I directly been asked to watch child.
Yes I have met child a few times over her 8 years, I do not know her or comfortable being forced to watch her.
This was supposed to be a nice treat for my girls and I, where we could bond and learn some new skills.

SS have rang my lovely sister has passed my number on as I was in charge when it happened! Her friend has done nothing wrong apparently, apart from have a cig with her mate 🤐
(she's pissed as she's split up with her partner of several years and I won't let her move in with me. My house has 3 bedrooms I have 3 kids and I'm open plan downstairs!! Where the hell can she go!?)

I have told SS that I wasn't responsible for the child and was busy looking after my 7 year old and keeping an eye on my 12 year old. I have passed the details on for the club owner - not the even organiser separate people - if they wish to see the CCTV of the room and the fact I was actively participating in an activity and no where near the child when they left to go outside. They have said I'm not likely to hear from them again.

Sounds like mum is passing book of blame due to child saying she was on her own, when she fell. Child hasn't mentioned me just mum and auntie (what she calles my sister) weren't there. SS were thinking I was family to due to my sis being called Auntie by child.

Stairs that child fell down - I should have been clear it's two steps. Think social club with some seats on a slightly raised platform.

OP posts:

SinnerBoy · 04/10/2024 16:32

DoreenonTill8 · Today 07:19

So she's happy for you to speak to SS and confirm all the times she's abandoned her child?

That's the nail hit firmly on the head!