Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

[itsmeits]

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

Did you make it clear that you wasn't going to watch the child? It's obvious that's what was expected.

She wasn't asked. It doesn't matter what someone else's unspoken expectation is.

It's not obvious that's what was expected. For the all the OP knew, she might have already asked someone else or believed that the child didn't need supervising.

Where does the 'expectation' to supervise other people's children end?

YANBU at all. Keep enjoying the activity with your children. I doubt you'll have to worry about seeing the friend there again.

If the mother wanted supervision she needed to ask. OP did say she was keeping a rough eye on her which is all you'd expect to need to do wrih an 8 year old. If you're 8 year old needs close supervision you supervise them and you don't go off without being sure someone is keeping a dedicated eye on them, which is completely unreasonable to expect from someone with their own younger kid. Not OPs responsibility.

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

No. No. No.

It is like doing things in the military or other similar safety procedures. The first person asks the 2nd person if they are ready to assume responsiblity and don't take the next step unless they have a clear and unambiguous affermative reply

I don't know what you lot do, but with my smaller DCs i NEVER EVER left them alone unless i knew someone was actively, with their knowledge, keeping an eye on them.

Good for you OP. Terrible behaviour from the Mum and your sister. Hopefully they will scuttle off now and realise you are not there for their benefit.

Good

I do think the club owners should make it VERY clear that the children have to be supervised at all times by their parents/carers

Doesn't work like that. Announcing you're going somewhere doesn't mean it's ok to leave your child unsupervised. And that is what the sisters friend is doing.

She hasn't checked with OP if she is ok to watch her child while she goes out. It's not OP responsibility to speak up and say no to anything because she hasn't been asked for anything.

The sister and friend are the ones being unreasonable not OP.

However, that being said personally I'd still kind of have my eye on the kid if I could without neglecting my own.

The OP was watching the child colour in her DD's colouring book, as the Mother walked away. It sounds like the OP and leader have gossiped about the situation, but done nothing. The leader has to have policies and procedures to open. The accident would have had to be noted and submitted to the LA. SS will have a word with her, if she tells the truth that she had concerns, but did nothing. She's broken safeguarding. I thought that most of us thought of child protection as everyone's business, obviously not.

If someone with an 8yr old told me that they were "going for a cig" I'd take it that that was for should the kid ask where her mum was, not that I needed to watch her.

There's another thing point, which is that buggering off to smoke when you take your child somewhere is terrible. Who does that?

Every couple minutes I would be checking she’s still there yes. But I’m a bit anxious like that, I would be more concerned about her leaving the restaurant .

It’s not the child’s fault the mum left them so I would still keep an eye yes, in case she left the restaurant or something like that.

They were in a social club not a children's playground. The only adults responsible for the child are the parents if they haven't specifically asked any one else to look after her.

That is what I would assume to.

OP said she had her eye on the girl from a distance. Which, to be fair, is all that most 8 year olds need. It sounds like a bit of a freak accident tbh - swinging round and falling over wouldn't normally result in splitting your head open, the girl was unlucky.

Not sure of what the owner saw. Hadn’t clocked that. Just that they’d said about the child’s ‘wild behaviour’.

Of course safeguarding children is everyone’s business. But in this situation there wasn’t a clear risk. An 8 year old colouring at a table while her mum goes out to have a fag doesn’t immediately scream safeguarding. If I saw an 8 year old in a room of families colouring on their own I wouldn’t think twice about it. If I saw a much younger child I might.

The assumption here is that if the mother has left without setting something up then she has risk assessed it and feels her child doesn’t need close supervision. That’s on her. Not the OP.

It’s easy now there has been an accident (which do happen even with the best of parents) in retrospect to think someone could have done something. But it’s completely reasonable to assume that an 8 year old on their own at a family event with mum just outside, isn’t going to need supervising. The OP isn’t even a friend of the mother!

I think you're text was great and you stood your ground clearly. It's a shame your sister has chosen to back her friend but that's her decision not yours.

If I were you I would see it I can get a copy of the video from the venue as backup to avoid any issues such as oh it's been deleted etc and give you leave of mind.

Unfortunately this means lead to a strained relationship with your sister, I hope I doesn't but there's a high probability that it will.

You’d look after a strangers child even if unasked to do so? And if they moved into an area away from your own child who is involved in an activity? Your own child who does need your supervision?

I was also thinking that.

It's probably a couple of hrs & can't do without a "cig"

Sounds more as if it's to dump the kid & have a catch up!

So Is the mother concerned about her child's welfare and recovery? Or just worried about social services?

Because although parents worry - understandably - Social Services aren't normally too concerned about parents whose eights year olds have a one off accident.

I’d say ‘You’ll report me to SS? Okey doke! The child is a fucking stranger to me you morons. When they ask me what happened I’ll tell them her mother had left to have a fag, which she does at 30 minute intervals. I go to the club with MY children and I watch MY children.’

No she didn’t ask but it was implied so it was then (wrongly) down to OP to ask the mum to take her daughter outside while they had their cigarette.

OP knew they were going, knew they had form for leaving her to watch the child and chose not to say that she wouldn’t be able to keep an eye on the child.

OP should not have been put in that situation but she didn’t handle it well either.

It wasn’t her responsibility to make it clear she wasn’t going to watch the child, it was the mother’s responsibility to not assume. It’s 100% on the mother.

She didn’t let down a child she was never responsible for or had a duty of care towards. That the child got injured is unfortunate, but that’s not OP’s fault.

@Butnothingsclear She’s not a stranger though, it’s her sisters friend. A stranger would be someone you don’t know the name of, and have no idea who’s watching the child. But OP knew the child and knew that no one was watching them so it’s completely different.

Even if she was watching the child more closely, it’s likely that the accident still would have happened. Kids hurt themselves all the time. My main reasons for watching the child would have been safeguarding I.e. she goes to the toilet and is gone a long time, leaves the building, leaves with a stranger etc. Also, if I didn’t feel up for keeping an eye on her I would’ve said something to the mum like ‘oh I’ve got my hands full I can’t watch over so and so.’

No, it wasn’t. OP isn’t responsible for the child, and she never accepted responsibility. The mistake of the mother was in assuming, but that isn’t something OP was obliged to step in to either correct, or accept responsibility for watching the child.