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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just because I'm there doesn't mean I'm free childcare

364 replies

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:13

I go out once a week and take my DDs with me 7 and 13. It's a social evening thing, the girls love it, there are different activities on.
My sister has started coming fine no issue with that. Her mate is now coming with her DD 8
This is where the issue is. They swan off for 15-30 min cig breaks and leave the child unattended. Going for a cig is the announcement and off they pop.
Last night child of sisters friend was messing about and has hurt themselves, mum nowhere to be seen for over 20mins.
I am being blamed for not watching the child 😳
Apparently announcing I'm going for a cig is que for me to watch her child - never have either said can you watch DD while I nip out. Plus I don't know this child, met her a few times that's it.
When this happened I should have been sat with/watching her DD not participating in an activity my DDs wanted to do.

My sister is trying to rip me a new one and her friend has threatened to report me to SS for neglect, as it was my neglect (according to them) that has caused this hospital visit and her to be reported to SS.

Should I have watched this child
YANBU you have your DDs she needs to step up
YABU she's a single mum provide free cig breaks child care for her

OP posts:
ApricotLime · 04/10/2024 11:02

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 09:58

Just to clarify I was with my youngest participating when they went for there smoke/gossip session. Child was left at the table, where they sit - scribbling all over my youngest DDs colouring book that she helped herself to 😤
I was kinda keeping an eye the child so did see her faffing and heard the screaming when she fell. I wasn't anywhere near when they went out or when accident happened.

Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened child said she wasn't there

Carry on going to the club and text your sister that you will not be providing any babysitting.

ApricotLime · 04/10/2024 11:05

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 09:58

Just to clarify I was with my youngest participating when they went for there smoke/gossip session. Child was left at the table, where they sit - scribbling all over my youngest DDs colouring book that she helped herself to 😤
I was kinda keeping an eye the child so did see her faffing and heard the screaming when she fell. I wasn't anywhere near when they went out or when accident happened.

Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened child said she wasn't there

If SS do speak to you, just say you were busy doing the activity with your child and you've no idea why she thought you were babysitting since she never asked you to

MintTraybake · 04/10/2024 11:08

ThatAgileGoldMoose · 04/10/2024 10:59

She hasn't said that outright to anybody yet as far as I can tell. Only to her sister a few hours ago by text.

She shouldn't have needed to, on behalf of the fact that nobody actually asked her to mind the child in the first place!

Also... 20 minute fag break? Fuck right off. Nip to the loo quickly - fine, no worries. Give yerself cancer with a stick while your kid is sat quietly colouring? OK, if you really must and you're quick. 20 minutes shits and giggles while your known to be rambuctious kid is maybe somehow getting half an eye kept on her? Fuck that shit.

Show quote history

I completely agree - I've been in OP's position, and if I wasn't there, no one else took responsibility and they stopped expecting it. I suggested not going for a short space of time to make them realise its an inconvenience when someone else isnt there to look after their child. Not once have I said I think its normal. I hate it and thinks its major lazy parenting to just offload children onto other people and is very common nowadays. When someone isn't there to keep an eye, I find these parents only get bored of doing it when they;re shamed into changing. No pussyfooting around😂
Wish I was so harsh in my younger years

Mabs49 · 04/10/2024 11:18

Brilliant response OP!!

Hope that settles them down!

DotPotato · 04/10/2024 11:26

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 07:58

I have just sent my sister the below

I have been attending this night for the last 2.5 years and 1.5 years with the girls. You and friend have been coming approximately 8 weeks. Every week you and friend have left 8Y unattended when you go for cigs. Not once was I asked to watch child just expected. I am sorry that child has been hurt, however I attend to participate with my children not look after others. If she wants a child free night out get a babysitter like the rest of us. Tell your friend i am happy to speak to SS on her behalf and explain the abysmal attitude I have seen her show over the last 8 weeks. I am also happy to explain to them what I do with my children while in attendance.
I'm not entertaining this any longer, I am not to blame for her failings. Have a good day I'm off to work now.

Spot on

Miffylou · 04/10/2024 11:34

LittleGreenDragons · 04/10/2024 08:12

but OP should have made it clear after the first time they did it that she was not going to be watching her.
No. That is a ridiculous thing to say. It was the mother's responsibility to ask EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Yes, of course it was the mother's responsibility and she should have asked every time, and of course the mother and OP's sister are totally wrong to be blaming the OP.

But all the same, that is not the child's fault (though of course messing around was her fault). Since the mother didn’t ask every time, or at all, it’s unfortunate that the child suffered the consequences.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 04/10/2024 11:44

I hate it when people do this - often don't actually ask so you can't say no just assume you will so you do often feel obliged to keep a vague eye out but with own kids that it all it could ever be.

I don't blame you for being angry and think your push back was fine.

2Rebecca · 04/10/2024 11:46

SS won't be interested in the OP at all. It was an accident and if the mother thought her child needed supervising she should have delayed her cigarette until the activity finished. I wouldn't be going out with my sister again for a while as I would have expected her to back me not her friend. If they still want to go to the event I'd sit apart from them in future

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/10/2024 11:48

2Rebecca · 04/10/2024 11:46

SS won't be interested in the OP at all. It was an accident and if the mother thought her child needed supervising she should have delayed her cigarette until the activity finished. I wouldn't be going out with my sister again for a while as I would have expected her to back me not her friend. If they still want to go to the event I'd sit apart from them in future

Yeah. SS will only be interested in the person who was actually responsible for the child, i.e. not the OP.

Original poster
itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

OP posts:
Whatafustercluck · 04/10/2024 12:01

Next time you go, get up and announce you're going for a dump, then fuck off for an hour. They might then understand why you have an issue.

GPNightmare · 04/10/2024 12:18

StormingNorman · 04/10/2024 07:25

I’ve said you are being unreasonable because by your own admission you were not watching an eight rear old child when you knew nobody else was.

If you weren’t able to watch the child along with your own, you should have spoken up at the time. So when they announced they were going for a cig you say “I’m tied up with my DC at the moment, could you take yours with you”

Your post reads like you got the hump, behaved in a passive aggressive way and now it’s backfired because the child ended up in hospital.

Equally, the other mum is being unreasonable to expect you to look after her child…and to take such long fag breaks. It’s incredibly antisocial of them to leave you sat alone and with all the kids for so long.

Edited

This ^.

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 12:23

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

No. Definitely don’t change your plans.

Unless they apologise then I’d just ignore any other communication about this now.

Mamabobogo · 04/10/2024 12:23

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

Too bloody right you won’t change your plans.

YANBU!

Hopefully the friend will keep away!

wombat15 · 04/10/2024 12:24

GPNightmare · 04/10/2024 12:18

This ^.

They are absolute entitled and rude CF but I think it was clear that they expecting you to watch the child by telling you they were going for a cigarette. If you weren’t willing or able to take on the responsibility, you should have spoken up rather than saying nothing and not keeping an eye the kid. Poor child.

Show quote history

I can see why people wouldn't want the argument and given they didn't ask it is in no way OP's responsibility.

Mamabobogo · 04/10/2024 12:25

Miffylou · 04/10/2024 11:34

Yes, of course it was the mother's responsibility and she should have asked every time, and of course the mother and OP's sister are totally wrong to be blaming the OP.

But all the same, that is not the child's fault (though of course messing around was her fault). Since the mother didn’t ask every time, or at all, it’s unfortunate that the child suffered the consequences.

Show quote history

You’re right it’s not the child’s fault, it’s her lax mothers.

GreyCarpet · 04/10/2024 12:31

It takes around 3-5 mins to smoke a cigarette. So the mum wasnt in any hurry to get back and relieve the OP of her presumed childcare responsibility.

She was taking the piss and she's panicking now because she knows how bad it looks and she's worried about getting into trouble.

She's projecting because she knows she was in the wrong.

Mamasperspective · 04/10/2024 12:34

Report her for neglect for leaving her child ... speak to SS yourself and say that you were not asked to take any responsibility for her child! It's not your responsibility

RampantIvy · 04/10/2024 12:38

Hospital have referred to SS as mum didn't know what happened child said she wasn't there

The mum has well and truly shot herself in the foot there (or rather, her DD did it for her).
Hopefully SS will also point her in the direction of a stop smoking course Grin

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:39

itsmeits · 04/10/2024 11:58

I'm not not going my girls love it and have made some great friends, they are also socialising with people from all age ranges.
Unfortunately this is the only practical location for us to attend and still be in bed by 9.30pm

Did you make it clear that you wasn't going to watch the child? It's obvious that's what was expected. The child's been let down by all adults, including the leader who said that they were going to have a word. You might all think that you ard being nice, but it's ended with a child being injured. If there were stairs close by, it could have been a serious head injury. The CCTV could be useful, because if any of the staff were around, she should have been stopped, but they also shouldhavechecked that someoneis in chargeof every child. The first time she was left, you should have spoken up.

takethattastic · 04/10/2024 12:40

They are angry because they know they are wrong and looking for someone to blame. Absolutely not your fault!!

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:42

Mamasperspective · 04/10/2024 12:34

Report her for neglect for leaving her child ... speak to SS yourself and say that you were not asked to take any responsibility for her child! It's not your responsibility

Edited

Except it sounds as though the sister is backing her friend, so you've got two people's word against one. As said in my pp, the leader hasn't done her job properly either.

Thursdaygirl · 04/10/2024 12:44

I am horrified at your sister!!!

Butnothingsclear · 04/10/2024 12:44

Ponoka7 · 04/10/2024 12:39

Did you make it clear that you wasn't going to watch the child? It's obvious that's what was expected. The child's been let down by all adults, including the leader who said that they were going to have a word. You might all think that you ard being nice, but it's ended with a child being injured. If there were stairs close by, it could have been a serious head injury. The CCTV could be useful, because if any of the staff were around, she should have been stopped, but they also shouldhavechecked that someoneis in chargeof every child. The first time she was left, you should have spoken up.

Show quote history

The OP didn’t make it clear that she wasn’t going to watch the child because;

  1. she wasn’t asked.
  2. she wasn’t with the child when the mother said she was going
  3. the child is 8 and therefore the assumption would be that the mother had assessed the situation and her child’s ability to make good choices as safe enough.

There is only one person responsible here, and that is the mother.

If the child was 3 or 4 then I’d agree that all adults witnessing the child be abandoned would have some responsibility. The mother would still be ultimately responsible though.

Lindy2 · 04/10/2024 12:51

You've done nothing wrong OP.

Keep going to the activity with your children. It sounds lovely.

Hopefully your sister and her friend will stop going now and will let you carry on enjoying your night out.

Your sister has behaved awfully towards you and I'm glad you let her know that.