to be sad DH won’t buy me flowers?

[flowers808]

I can’t tell if I’m being too demanding in this.

I love flowers, especially a certain type. I always have, I think they’re beautiful. I also love gestures. I don’t often feel important and so being bought ANYTHING to show I was being thought of is something that would mean a lot.

I have flat out asked for flowers, specifically for giving birth and having an awful labour and difficult pregnancy. I know “push presents” are cringey and I wouldn’t ask for one but I have spoken about them with DH and he said “the baby is your present” (FWIW he was the one who really wanted a child, I’m younger so could have waited but I was ready) but I did say flowers would be nice. It’s been 6 months. I’ve mentioned it a few times now.

We live on the same road as a lovely florist. Money is no issue. He also likes flowers.

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”. But I do other things - I book restaurants, buy things I think he’d like, taken him on weekends away as surprises. He doesn’t organise anything without running by me, so he may suggest eating out but will ask me where or get me to book, I have to take the mental load of everything.

I am feeling quite deflated and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being demanding or expecting too much. I don’t get anything (even a card) for anniversaries either and as a result I gave up bothering too. I’d love to celebrate it properly with balloons, sweet gifts, quality time etc but I don’t want to be disappointed. I did one year but just felt flat so didn’t bother.

I am someone who would love grand gestures or small surprises, anything to make me think he thought of me at some point in the day in a loving way.

I am starting to wonder if he simply doesn’t want to buy me flowers because he doesn’t want me to be happy. Which I suppose is even deeper and hurtful.

So AIBU?

Difficult. It would be nice if he'd picked up on what you like far earlier and bought you the flowers. But now you've asked for them multiple times isn't going to be a completely empty and awkward gesture if he actually gets them? You'd know he was only doing to follow an order not out of any desire.

Lots of men are lazy and will make just about as much effort as they are pushed to make and no more. Others dig their heels in and don't like to be 'told' even if they are slow to do it themselves.

I don’t often feel important and so being bought ANYTHING to show I was being thought of is something that would mean a lot.

That bit is really sad. Has your husband never done this?

I would do two things in the short term. Buy myself flowers. And stop getting treats and surprises for him. It normalises the idea that you make the effort but he doesn't have to.

A long, long time ago, DH told me that 'All men know they're supposed to buy flowers'
I enjoyed them when he bought them but it sounds like they are extra special to you.
My DH and I struggled b/c over the decades, he stopped doing the 'boyfriend' things.
Eventually, I found a man who would.
I hope your DH is clever enough to realise that he needs to show he cares all the time.

Set a weekly flowers delivery with your florist

Stop doing things for him

My husband wants me to buy him something too and has asked several times, now I feel too awkward that I won't buy it. Buy him some or buy them for yourself, maybe doing that will make him feel more comfortable with it. Definitely don't ask him again.

Why do you feel awkward?

Would of been best to resolve these kind of issues before you had a child but here you are

he's not going to change, buy yourself flowers and stop doing things for him

he suggests eating out, you say great tell me where and when and let him sort it

I did wonder that, but then it became weirder that I asked multiple times and still am being ignored. I also asked to celebrate our anniversary this year but it never happened.

I just would love to receive flowers. I could just buy them for myself, I know, which DH suggested I just do. But it doesn’t feel the same.

At my last workplace we could get things delivered to our desk, I remember on valentines all the women got bouquets of roses delivered to their desks (male dominated industry - only a handful of women) and I was the only one who didn’t (DH wouldn’t have known I’d be the only without so not his fault) but I remember thinking how sweet that their OH have thought to do that.

If DH came home with them tomorrow I’d be overjoyed as it would just feel like he listened.

If you decide to stay with this loser, stop spending any money on taking him out and buy lovely flowers for you.

He is a loser. My DH didn’t have to be told to buy flowers when I gave birth. I think my MIL would have given him hell if he hadn’t, in any case.

He has bought me things for Birthday and Xmas, of course. Usually asks me what I want and orders it.

Because I will be buying it only because he has pushed me towards it and not because I chose it or wanted to. He's made it into a bit of a big deal and there is no reason he shouldn't do it himself. It's a football tshirt.

Do you know each others love languages? I know it sounds cheesy but it can be helpful with this sort of disagreement. To some people giving and receiving gifts just isn’t how they prefer to show affection. He might feel he’s doing lots of other things that are more important and be confused as to why you’re putting so much emphasis on gifts. Though that being said the fact that it’s clearly important to you should be reason enough. Is he a good partner in other ways?

I married someone like this. It doesn’t get any better

Yes! Mine isn’t actually gifts - that’s my lowest one! May sound confusing, my top is quality time and then acts of service.
DH is a bit addicted to his phone and gets annoyed when I ask him to put it down. Issue is that we are usually around each other as we both WFH.

DH’s is physical touch, but I don’t particularly want to be affectionate when I feel unloved so it’s a vicious cycle.

I disagree. He’s not confused about her love language - he told her the baby was the gift. He’s a total dick.

I think its sad he doesn't buy you something as a surprise, now and then.

Me and dh are never romantic but I do secretly love it when he buys me, my favourite chocolate/ wine as a treat, as it feels like he cares.

I'm not sure what the solution is but completely understand why you feel the way you do.

He is being ridiculous. This is so easy for him. Such a small thing to make you happy. I don't know what's wrong with him.

I managed to get through to an ex on this once, but it was a little passive aggressive as talking wasn't working.

I was similar to you, organising most things and if I saw something in a shop I knew he'd like I'd surprise him with it.

But I also knew what he didn't like, so I started buying those instead and act all surprised and dismissive when he was like, why did you buy me these? You know I don't like them. He was actually incredulous at how thoughtless I was being, and confused that I didn't seem to care.

Did it about three times, just at the point when he was getting fed up but before a row. Then when he asked why did you get me this I said, "you never get me things that I like either, like flowers (or whatever). And it doesn't seem very fair, so I'm either going to stop or you're going to start.

It finally clicked. We broke up for other reasons much later.

Me too.

Suggest you make plans for a happier future.

Gosh. So many women on here saying they are disappointed in not getting this or that gift, or not being spoiled enough on their birthday. The first question asked is ‘well did you tell him?’ And you have! Many times.

I mean, what more can you do? Is he any good at Christmas or Birthdays?

It’s hard when he steps up in so many other ways.

Would you not get it for him for Christmas?

He will buy me things, often of high value. There is never any surprise though, but he says I can’t be surprised. I’m a very anxious and high alert person so maybe he’s right.

I don’t think he ever would take something I have mentioned or take joy in, and go to great lengths to buy it or find things that I may like. I am a simple girl in my opinion, I like girly things. However, I can just buy myself what I want and usually do instead.

I would be perfectly happy with a love letter or something, that would make me feel loved and is better than anything else but I think that’s more the hopeless romantic part of me.

My mum goes to great efforts to buy things she’s seen me use or that she thinks I’d like so I do have someone who makes me feel seen. I always try to do it for others as I love to see other people happy and it’s a lovely feeling.

This won't get any better. Of course you could stop doing things for him but the whole point of loving relationships is that you do things for the other person to make them happy.

Keep as you are = resentment, frustration and anger eventually.
Stop doing stuff for him = resentment, frustration and anger eventually.

You could try marriage counselling i suppose but I'm guessing he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong so won't change anyway.

Does he do 50/50 with the house and baby?

I was giving him a pass on that one because push presents can be a bit controversial. I’ve seen some people on here before saying they’re tacky or sexist.

I’ve been hinting for years for my husband to buy me a necklace (nothing expensive just something from him) but he never has. It’s frustrating but he’s good in lots of other ways - he just sucks at gift giving. I’ll never forget the year he put my gifts under a tea towel because “I didn’t see the point in wrapping them when you’re just going to immediately unwrap them”