to be sad DH won’t buy me flowers?

[flowers808]

I can’t tell if I’m being too demanding in this.

I love flowers, especially a certain type. I always have, I think they’re beautiful. I also love gestures. I don’t often feel important and so being bought ANYTHING to show I was being thought of is something that would mean a lot.

I have flat out asked for flowers, specifically for giving birth and having an awful labour and difficult pregnancy. I know “push presents” are cringey and I wouldn’t ask for one but I have spoken about them with DH and he said “the baby is your present” (FWIW he was the one who really wanted a child, I’m younger so could have waited but I was ready) but I did say flowers would be nice. It’s been 6 months. I’ve mentioned it a few times now.

We live on the same road as a lovely florist. Money is no issue. He also likes flowers.

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”. But I do other things - I book restaurants, buy things I think he’d like, taken him on weekends away as surprises. He doesn’t organise anything without running by me, so he may suggest eating out but will ask me where or get me to book, I have to take the mental load of everything.

I am feeling quite deflated and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being demanding or expecting too much. I don’t get anything (even a card) for anniversaries either and as a result I gave up bothering too. I’d love to celebrate it properly with balloons, sweet gifts, quality time etc but I don’t want to be disappointed. I did one year but just felt flat so didn’t bother.

I am someone who would love grand gestures or small surprises, anything to make me think he thought of me at some point in the day in a loving way.

I am starting to wonder if he simply doesn’t want to buy me flowers because he doesn’t want me to be happy. Which I suppose is even deeper and hurtful.

So AIBU?

My experience is that at the beginning, when you're both keen, you give each other little gifts all the time because you're so happy. Sometimes these are simply little notes hidden inside a folder where you know the other one will find it. Lots of men slack off with this but IME and reading Mumsnet, they are missing a very important trick b/c women LOVE this kind of stuff.

I know “push presents” are cringey and I wouldn’t ask for one but I have spoken about them with DH and he said “the baby is your present”.

Ugh. He makes it sound like it's not his baby, and that he has absolutely no idea at all what pregnancy is like. You bring someone flowers in hospital because they're in hospital (and you're not), not as some kind of reward. He doesn'thave to bring flowers if he really, really doesn't want to, but I'd be telling him to keep his gross comments to himself.

Aw, that’s rubbish, OP.

My husband buys me flowers often, and other surprise gifts. And he bought me jewellery when our babies were born (although I can be sure he’s not aware of the hideous concept of a ‘push present’).

Your husband needs to up his game.

I'm not a great one for presents but I think when you have told him how much buying you flowers would mean to you it sounds almost deliberately unpleasant of him not to bother doing this occasionally.

Especially for something special like you giving birth to his baby.

And given you live near a florists it wouldn't take much effort.

Some men seem to just delight in actively making their partners unhappy when a little gesture occasionally wouldn't hurt them and would mean so much.

My OH is not good with flowers / gifts for occasions but he’s thoughtful and generous and a wonderful Father and DP. I choose not to let the flowers be the hill I die on, I buy my own.

Ok, I’ll admit that mine has done the ‘well, choose which one and I’ll buy it now because I won’t be in town again’ thing - but I think this is different. And I do agree that the concept of push presents is a bit weird - but this is flowers - surely very traditional and expected after the birth of a child, unless the mum doesn’t like flowers and would rather have chocs!

It just sounds as though he can’t be arsed. He buys what she asks for on birthdays and Christmas and doesn’t bother at any other time.

OP, if he likes the meals out etc and stopping them might make him reflect, then I’d do that. But I do agree with a pp that this can create resentment just as much as doing nothing about it.

It’s very sad - he needs a kick up the arse.

Same here. Divorced now after 25 years of feeling lonely and unloved.

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”.

Jesus Christ. What a romantic.

🙄

These threads always make me feel sad. You've told him what you like and he doesn't do it. That just seems so cruel. And you reasoning that you are anxious so that's why he doesn't surprise you... bloody hell, you're not asking him to dress as Freddy Krueger and leap out with flowers. You can have nice surprises. My husband often will surpise me and say something like there's someone at the door but he will pretend his hands are full so he can't go and when I go out to the hall there is a present hanging off the door. It may be or may not be of monetary value but it's beyond thoughtful and my heart swells with love for him.

Just order yourself the flowers that you like best. He’s clearly not going to buy them for you and it’s become A Thing and therefore awkward.

Sod that for a game of soldiers; buy what you wish he’d give you. Regard them as a present you’re giving yourself because you deserve nice things and you don’t need to wait for anyone else to realise that.

DH is good in many ways such as - I never have to worry where he is, he will always be home when I expect, he will never accidentally stay at a pub or anything like that.

When other men would go home in the hospital he stayed.

He does do stuff round the house (we have a cleaner so we can both be lax there) and will do his share, to an extent, with baby. He is a very present dad and would always do everything for his child.

He also wouldn’t do things that would make me unhappy, he might moan about them, but he wouldn’t just do it.

During pregnancy when I was unwell he’d do all the cooking (I don’t do the cooking, we just get our own stuff) and fetch my drinks etc,

He isn’t always the kindest with words and can be hurtful, he’s a strong believer that it’s just in the moment and has no lasting impact, but I do find it sometimes hurtful. He doesn’t take time to necessarily understand me or the things I’m interested in, but he’ll tolerate it (like putting Taylor Swift on in the car).

Compared to a lot of men I read about, he’s great.

If he's as great as you say then just buy your own flowers. I hate to get flowers and it took me 2 years to tell DH to please stop buying them..

Sorry OP, he sounds absolutely mediocre at best.

I asked my partner to get me flowers and he did a few times but I didn’t really like his choices, turns out I preferred buying my own. So I’ve quietly gone back to buying my own flowers and am happier with that.

Saying that, it sounds like your problem is bigger than flowers. Would you say your husband is quite materialistic and expects you to be happy because he is paying for high value stuff? And therefore missing lots of little opportunities that would actually make you feel thought of and loved? Does he do little things at home to make you happy, like make you cups of tea and get the chocolate he knows you like and things like that?

I think you're right to question a deeper intent behind this OP.

You say money is not a barrier to the odd bouquet of flowers, you live near a florist, you've hinted & asked outright & his responses are quite frankly awful.

why wouldn't he want to make his wife, the mother of his baby happy?

why does he want you to feel unloved & somewhat of a nuisance ?

It really doesn't (& shouldn't) have to be like that!

My dh goes out of his way to get me things he knows I like. Sometimes I have to make an effort to to mention things as he'll go off & get it. He loves to spoil me & our dc.

I get flowers regularly - he knows I adore peonies so if he ever sees them he buys them. We were on holidays in paris last year & he arrived back to the airb&b with 2 beautiful bunches of peonies one pink & one white as he couldn't decide which I'd prefer. We were only there for a week.

He regularly comes home from the supermarket with flowers & frequently orders beautiful bouquets from a florist I love. He's had them delivered to work on my birthday/ valentines day etc

He listens & takes care & his number one focus is us - his family..we've been married over 20 years. He's been like this from day 1.

I spoil him too. I cook his favourite meals & surprise him with beer etc

We love making each other happy.

Your husband does not seem to love making you happy. The months after a baby are in so many ways the most vulnerable for any woman & it's a time when your dh should be cherishing & looking after you in any way he can.

You deserve to be adored op. Life is too short. And this isn't really about flowers.

You’re setting your sights quite low there.

Stop doing anything nice for him, he doesn’t deserve it.

He doesn’t take time to necessarily understand me or the things I’m interested in

I found this quite difficult to stomach.

Is this not supposed to be one of the best things about a relationship? To be seen and understood?

He's a selfish shit. Much like my exH who treated me like this for 20 years. There is no cure. I eventually decided I was not going to be taken for granted any more.

I think if you have expressed your desire for flowers very clearly, and they can be afforded, and given that there are multiple occasions when it would be appropriate and yet still a surprise, and there's a florist nearby, then to repeatedly squander opportunities to make you feel happy and cherished is absolutely fucking miserable of him and can only be a deliberate choice to be mean.

It may not be appropriate or possible to LTB right now, but I guarantee you will decide to one day.

The baby is your present! For fuck's sake, what an asshole.

Yeah, sorry OP, but you lost me at "isn't always the kindest with words". This isn't really about flowers. You need to raise your standards a lot little higher

I mean, he doesn’t sound at all great. His plus points are

does stuff for his child
makes dinner if you can’t
tidies up a bit
doesn’t go out on the piss
is home when expected
earns well.

and you mention that he is older than you Anyway so probably did all the going out before anyway

minus points
can’t be arsed to do anything you like
not interested in you much
moans a bit.
alwsys on his phone

I think the lack of flowers points to a much deeper issue where your DH is a dick and just using you, doesn’t really see you as a person.

sooooo well I guess it depends what you put up with. Personally I would not put up with this and would kick up a stink until he pulled his finger out

Compared to a lot of men I read about, he’s great.
If you are talking about this site then yeah, of course he's a lot better than the rapists and wife beaters. But compared to decent men? No, he is not great.

He doesn’t take time to necessarily understand me or the things I’m interested in, but he’ll tolerate it.
Oh OP.... why are you with someone who only tolerates you instead of celebrating and supporting you? That is not a partnership of equals, that is putting up with someone because they have to. And why would you stay in a situation that is slowly draining your self esteem and self worth away? You deserve more. Much, much more.

Is he quite a bit older than you? It sounds a little bit like he's treating you like a tiresome teenager. Sorry OP , but listen to Miley and take her advice 💐

Someone I knew once sent herself flowers to work for Valentine's day and text her partner thanking him and saying how much she liked them, I love it when you get me surprise flowers. Certainly got his attention that someone else had bothered to send his girlfriend Valentine's day flowers.