to be sad DH won’t buy me flowers?

[flowers808]

I can’t tell if I’m being too demanding in this.

I love flowers, especially a certain type. I always have, I think they’re beautiful. I also love gestures. I don’t often feel important and so being bought ANYTHING to show I was being thought of is something that would mean a lot.

I have flat out asked for flowers, specifically for giving birth and having an awful labour and difficult pregnancy. I know “push presents” are cringey and I wouldn’t ask for one but I have spoken about them with DH and he said “the baby is your present” (FWIW he was the one who really wanted a child, I’m younger so could have waited but I was ready) but I did say flowers would be nice. It’s been 6 months. I’ve mentioned it a few times now.

We live on the same road as a lovely florist. Money is no issue. He also likes flowers.

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”. But I do other things - I book restaurants, buy things I think he’d like, taken him on weekends away as surprises. He doesn’t organise anything without running by me, so he may suggest eating out but will ask me where or get me to book, I have to take the mental load of everything.

I am feeling quite deflated and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being demanding or expecting too much. I don’t get anything (even a card) for anniversaries either and as a result I gave up bothering too. I’d love to celebrate it properly with balloons, sweet gifts, quality time etc but I don’t want to be disappointed. I did one year but just felt flat so didn’t bother.

I am someone who would love grand gestures or small surprises, anything to make me think he thought of me at some point in the day in a loving way.

I am starting to wonder if he simply doesn’t want to buy me flowers because he doesn’t want me to be happy. Which I suppose is even deeper and hurtful.

So AIBU?

Agree with this - concise and hits the nail on the head - look after yourself, it's sad but he's not listening.

I’ve been a single mum for over a decade, and started dating a couple of years ago. Finally met the right guy and we’ve been together several months now, we were having a chat about our histories and somehow I ended up explaining how I’ve pretty much been single 10 years other than dating and short lived things recently, haven’t done Xmas with a guy for a decade or new years, I said a man hasn’t bought me flowers for a decade.

Next time I went over to his for a night of desert and a movie, I walked in and he gave me a dozen roses. He’s a good guy.

I can’t believe your husband won’t get you flowers. Not exactly a good guy…

Buy them for yourself it might make him think.

The flowers aren't important.

He isn’t always the kindest with words and can be hurtful, he’s a strong believer that it’s just in the moment and has no lasting impact, but I do find it sometimes hurtful.

This is.

The being hurtful is going to get old very quickly. Was he always like this? Did you overlook it before planning kids or has he changed since. Either option is bad.

The same goes with the flowers. Did he always buy you flowers or did you overlook the fact he didn't beforehand?
I'd let the flowers go and would just buy my own. I wouldn't let him think it's ok to say unkind or hurtful things go though.
You have a whole lifetime in front of you. He needs to know now that it's not acceptable to say hurtful things. What will you do if he behaves like that to your kids? Kids can be annoying, if he can't control himself with you can you trust him not to snap at the kids. If he won't understand that he has to change then maybe therapy?

I've been married forever and I used to dismiss my husbands very occasional hissy fits (see, I'm still dismissing them!) he worked so hard for our family and is otherwise an amazing person but I eventually realised I HATED those bloody hissy fits and the effect they had on me. They could be months apart but they would still upset me. Maybe that's me being over sensitive but IDK. It's ended up that I spoke up more, we grew older, life was much less stressful and the hissy fits stopped and we get to live happily ever after.
I regret not being more proactive about it when I was younger.
I think many young women want to settle down and have kids and their hormones are screaming at them to get a move on so they put up with behaviour that isn't ok.

Here are some flowers from me 💐

My husband gave me a rose that a seller guilted him into buying, on our first date. We've been together 10 years this month and I've never had any flowers since.

I have bought him lots of flowers, I've also presented him with foraged flowers. He always loves them!

But never buys me any.

What he does do is daily acts of kindness. Brings me coffee in bed, buys me other little presents. Surprises, lovely cards.

Does your dh do other things for you?

So he's unkind in his language and dismisses its significance. He doesn't buy you flowers even though you've specifically asked him for them.

He's not a nice man at all and furthermore is deliberately withholding what would would please you. He knows exactly what's he's doing.

Short term, ask him what he wants for Christmas or his birthday and then don't get it. The he asks why, tell him.

I thought I was alone in that! I absolutely can't stand getting cut flowers. They seem such a waste of money, and I would always rather have had a more thoughtful and personal gift for the same price.

But I can see the opening poster obviously feels very differently to me, so I think she should listen to Miley Cyrus's Flowers and then kick her thoughtless, selfish, emotionless husband into touch.

You love flowers so buy them for yourself. Love yourself and try to love your husband for who he is, not resent him for who he isn't.

Reading your posts, it seems you have told this man regularly that you want flowers or some sort of gesture from him.
So far he has not taken hint, or is refusing to meet your demand
Yet you've stayed with him and had a baby with him. The man that keeps disappointing you.
Do you think he is going to change now?
All you are doing is building up anger and resentment towards him
Is this what you want going forward??

He sounds unkind, and thoughtless, you've specifically told him you'd like him to sometimes buy you flowers and he won't. He doesn't want to please you and that's a bad sign, he should always want to make you happy.

Well your options are-

Leave him and find someone who matches your energy.

Stop treating him and start treating yourself, book yourself spa days or buy yourself flowers/gifts you will enjoy. Learn to be the person who loves you and treats you. Then you don't have to rely on him to do it.

He won't change, you have told him how it makes you feel and he chooses to ignore that.

Also when you say his love language is touch do you mean he is huggy/kissy affectionate? Or do you mean he just wants sex? Because no physical affection or displays of affection but lots of his needs being met would turn me off too.

It's this sort of thoughtless and unkind behaviour that kills of a marriage over time.

@flowers808

I'm sorry OP, but he's simply not interested in how you feel, what you want or how his actions/inaction makes you feel.

You've told him that buying you flowers would make you happy, but he won't.

You've told him that you weren't actually quite 'ready' for a baby, but HE was, so hey presto, you now have a baby. (That he 'somewhat' helps care for 🙄)

You've told him that you'd like 'surprises' for Xmas/Bithdays, but he can't be arsed.

You like Taylor Swift, and he only 'tolerates' this sometimes in the car.

He wants to eat out or go somewhere, but he can't be arsed with making ANY kind of effort to arrange it ffs !

Haven't you heard 'when he shows you who he is, believe him'???

He's a selfish, lazy asshole, but you're still only highlighting the 'good bits' in your posts. (Chances are he only stayed at the hospital with you because of a purely selfish reason, rather than out of care for you btw) The 'good bits' are actually the bare bloody MINIMUM most of us expect our husbands/partners to do !

You're never going to get flowers or nice gestures off this man. He doesn"t care enough to do it.

The fact he won't buy you a bunch of flowers despite being begged is shit.

Stop doing nice/sweet things for him. He doesn't deserve it.

Oh and @Whatbloodysummer said. They have it spot on sadly.

Did Miley Cyrus teach you nothing?

On a more serious note the flowers are a red herring. You like them and you can afford them. If everything else about your husband was great then the solution would be to just buy your own flowers safe in the knowledge that you're still in a happy and mutually respectful relationship. But the flowers are just a manifestation of his lack of care about your feelings and for what makes you happy.

You've not suffered in silence like we sometimes see on here. You've told him and he's ignored you. You're not even asking him for much and he's failed to do it. I can only assume making you feel loved is not his priority. Either he has to change, you have to learn to put up with it or you move on without him.

You've asked him to do something which would mean a lot to you. This thing is easy and easily affordable. He has refused. It's a line he will not cross.

He's showing you who is the boss in this relationship. Take heed. I hope you don't think of him as your 'friend'.

My DH rarely gives me flowers but he is so good to me day to day that I couldn’t care less.

at marriage guidance

WIFE: he never buys me flowers

HUSBAND: I didn't know she sold flowers

I have only read first half of thread so apologies.

But I had to reply because I was so annoyed by the comment
"The Baby is your present,"

What an utterly patronising, guilt tripping, way of reminding you to be grateful for the more important things in life that he in his awesome wisdom has generously reminded you of because you were foolish enough to hope that your husband might bring you something nice after the birth to mark the special occasion.

Pathetic excuse to cover up his extremely tight lazy thoughtlessness.

Sorry OP but that's a major Ick.

He's mean spirited, and people like that can't/won't change.

My partner doesn’t buy me flowers, or book meals out… but he does other things that mean more to me than something he’s been coerced into! Just buy yourself flowers if you want some! If I want some flowers I’ll just buy some!

My ex got me a bunch of £3 bunch of carnations when I had our child. Knowing what he was like for spending on himself, I knew there and then where I stood. Sadly took my 9 years to leave. Still don’t have a partner who buys me flowers but it was never about the flowers, it was about being appreciated

Mine was like this.
I say ‘was’ because we aren’t married anymore. He left for a woman at work. I don’t think he ever loved me.

If he's not going to treat you treat yourself - there's lots of flower subscription companies if money isn't an issue. Put yourself first or he wont. https://www.freddiesflowers.com