to be sad DH won’t buy me flowers?

[flowers808]

I can’t tell if I’m being too demanding in this.

I love flowers, especially a certain type. I always have, I think they’re beautiful. I also love gestures. I don’t often feel important and so being bought ANYTHING to show I was being thought of is something that would mean a lot.

I have flat out asked for flowers, specifically for giving birth and having an awful labour and difficult pregnancy. I know “push presents” are cringey and I wouldn’t ask for one but I have spoken about them with DH and he said “the baby is your present” (FWIW he was the one who really wanted a child, I’m younger so could have waited but I was ready) but I did say flowers would be nice. It’s been 6 months. I’ve mentioned it a few times now.

We live on the same road as a lovely florist. Money is no issue. He also likes flowers.

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”. But I do other things - I book restaurants, buy things I think he’d like, taken him on weekends away as surprises. He doesn’t organise anything without running by me, so he may suggest eating out but will ask me where or get me to book, I have to take the mental load of everything.

I am feeling quite deflated and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being demanding or expecting too much. I don’t get anything (even a card) for anniversaries either and as a result I gave up bothering too. I’d love to celebrate it properly with balloons, sweet gifts, quality time etc but I don’t want to be disappointed. I did one year but just felt flat so didn’t bother.

I am someone who would love grand gestures or small surprises, anything to make me think he thought of me at some point in the day in a loving way.

I am starting to wonder if he simply doesn’t want to buy me flowers because he doesn’t want me to be happy. Which I suppose is even deeper and hurtful.

So AIBU?

this. The thing is to not go on feeling sad about it. Single question. Is this a deal breaker? If its not a dealbreaker then you need to sort out how to get over it, if it is then you know what to do. Yanbu by the way but no point in spending the rest of your life being sad.

Might there be someone dripping 'advice' in his ear out of malice towards you? My partner had someone telling him that women don't really like or want flowers, because that person knew I loved flowers & they wanted to cause problems in our relationship. He eventually saw through their tricks (I could spend all day listing them) & he's NC with that person now. Not had a single issue since he went NC & I get my flowers very often.

Exactly!!!

I'm sure OP knows she could go to the florist down the road and buy herself flowers but she wants to feel appreciated and like he's listening and putting some actual effort in, values her etc.and it's indicative of how he views her in general tbh.

When I was early 20s I started dating someone. We were talking about flowers and I said something like I had never had flowers delivered to me. Next work shift, what turns up, a beautiful bouquet. Very impressed and touched he listed and cared enough to do that. It wasn't about the flowers but the action.

@flowers808 ‘compared to other men up I read about he’s great.’

That's a pretty low bar.

My dsil knows that dd’s favourite flowers are tulips. When she came home after giving birth dsil had filled the house with tulips.

Your dh reminds me of an ex bil.
Fair and kind and helpful but totally blind to how to make my dsis feel cherished.
That’s why he’s an ex.

First off, a baby is not a gift to you - it's hard work! What a douche canoe! I agree with the others, buy yourself flowers and stop buying him things. He's got too comfortable making very little effort and needs a reality check. If he says he's not good at that sort of thing, tell him practice makes perfect!

buy your own- then text him "thank you they are lovely". prick

When he asks you what you want for Xmas tell him. A huge bouquet of your favourite flowers and that's all you want. Or you could tell him Lego wild flowers which are lovely. Stop making a fuss of him, no more weekend trips instead you go with a friend. Don't buy him any more treats and see if he notices. If he asks why no treats tell him he doesn't treat you to flowers. 💐

How long have you been together? Has he always been like this?

This is really sad. My DH just came in from work and brought me a bag of yellow monster munch and a box of malteasers and a hose plant that " I don't think I've seen one of these amongst the house jungle you have on the go " ( I don't, it was an Alocasia dragon scale ). He buys me little things he sees that he thinks I will like, that remind him of me or just that he thinks he would like us to share or that I would appreciate. Last week it was a Christmas craft magazine from a petrol station. He always buys me the very first bunch of daisies he spots in spring , along with a bag of popcorn ( that's what he did on our first date) and then I get daffs every week until they are gone from the shops. I get flowers at least every 3-4 weeks and he shows me exactly how much he appreciates me constantly.

If you are not hair with this make it known. If it's important to you, it should be important to him. If it's not then you have bigger problems

This. I would stop giving him sex and tell him why.

I have a partner who buys me flowers every week and always has done. He leaves me notes and makes me breakfast, cooks and cleans and he gets sex all the time as I fancy him and I’m not too tired for it. Your DH is not loving and not nice.

You deserve flowers. You think of yourself. You go and buy yourself a beautiful boquet from that lovely florist and take them home and put them in a nice vase. I did this for myself a little while ago, and it made me feel happy.

teh OP also deserves a better partner, flowers won't fix that.

She does, yes

I wish I could give his head a wobble for you. I know how you're feeling, I felt like this with first baby and first husband.... We didn't last much long after baby because pnd hit in which was compounded by being in a relationship where my love language wasn't valued even a smidge. Second husband ..... Heard everything. Flowers lots of cuddles the joy of sharing this moment together, reminiscing the birth together. Not my second husband's first child either ,it's just that he's emotionally available,intelligent and learnt to understand my love language. I hope you find peace because you're not being unreasonable you just want to be noticed and appreciated xx

Agree with @PullTheBricksDown

Opposite way round, I think you do too much for him and he has got the idea he's the prize here because of how good he has it

A good DH should take pleasure in doing nice things for his wife. You want flowers, he should be buying you flowers. It's not extravagant, or particularly out of the ordinary. It's a way to show he loves and cares for you.

The fact he is so resistant to it is not a good sign. And your explanation of why he is a good husband.... well. I dunno what to say except he sounds deeply mediocre to me.

He looks after his child "to an extent"
He comes home when he says he will
He cooks

He's also dismissive of your feelings and can be hurtful. That's not great, is it?

The more I read this, the more I think, it's not even about the flowers... it's the trite little lecture he gave her for even daring to remind him that she'd repeatedly said she would like them.
Not asking, just saying she would like them. Which he completely ignores with pompous arse lecturing comments. Which are really saying that she should just shut up. It's hardly an invitation to communicate your wants and needs.

So its not just economic necessity, which is understandable, or thoughtlessness, or lack of understanding flowers as a tradition in some families. It is simply not caring about pleasing her. You've got a baby what more do you want? Sort of looks like he thinks its her job and she should get on with it.

Same with the anniversaries - how much effort is it to buy a flipping card or a surprise takeaway so you don't have to cook - she tried celebrating the way she wanted it and it "fell flat" - suprise surprise, I bet he was scornful all the way through.
Yet he is more than happy when she treats him and does thoughtful things for him.

He is selfish and self regarding to the bone in this instance. I hope for OP's sake he does do other things in their relationship to be supportive and kind.