to be sad DH won’t buy me flowers?

[flowers808]

I can’t tell if I’m being too demanding in this.

I love flowers, especially a certain type. I always have, I think they’re beautiful. I also love gestures. I don’t often feel important and so being bought ANYTHING to show I was being thought of is something that would mean a lot.

I have flat out asked for flowers, specifically for giving birth and having an awful labour and difficult pregnancy. I know “push presents” are cringey and I wouldn’t ask for one but I have spoken about them with DH and he said “the baby is your present” (FWIW he was the one who really wanted a child, I’m younger so could have waited but I was ready) but I did say flowers would be nice. It’s been 6 months. I’ve mentioned it a few times now.

We live on the same road as a lovely florist. Money is no issue. He also likes flowers.

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”. But I do other things - I book restaurants, buy things I think he’d like, taken him on weekends away as surprises. He doesn’t organise anything without running by me, so he may suggest eating out but will ask me where or get me to book, I have to take the mental load of everything.

I am feeling quite deflated and unloved but I’m not sure if I’m being demanding or expecting too much. I don’t get anything (even a card) for anniversaries either and as a result I gave up bothering too. I’d love to celebrate it properly with balloons, sweet gifts, quality time etc but I don’t want to be disappointed. I did one year but just felt flat so didn’t bother.

I am someone who would love grand gestures or small surprises, anything to make me think he thought of me at some point in the day in a loving way.

I am starting to wonder if he simply doesn’t want to buy me flowers because he doesn’t want me to be happy. Which I suppose is even deeper and hurtful.

So AIBU?

I don't think the flowers would be a big deal if it was just about the flowers -- but the fact is he won't even bother to do what makes you happy or for your anniversary etc and that's really sad. And crappy.

My DH buys me a huge bunch every Valentines and birthday and I'm not even that bothered about flowers. I sometimes hint I'd prefer chocolates or pyjamas... but my point is most men just buy flowers because they are meant to buy them. Yours won't even though you've asked for them.

I had an ex a little like that. He was a very selfish man who always thought he was right.

Flowers don’t mean anything if you have to ask for them. They don’t show you are appreciated or loved or being thought about at all in that context. He just wants to get you off his back.

Buy flowers for the house if you want flowers. As money’s no object set up a weekly delivery.

He doesn't care about making you happy op, he doesn't care about you much at all by the sounds of it and he doesn't sound like a great husband and dad, he sounds like he's doing the very most basic acceptable amount of expectations.

This is really depressing to read.

I wouldn't be having anymore children especially for him, don't make any more sacrifices for him if you stay.
Have a good think about why you think you deserve to be with someone that treats you like breeding cattle.

He’s 5 years older so not much. We both earn well, I actually out earn him but he’s always been proud of me. We are very 50/50 on everything.

maybe I don’t do enough for him though and that’s why. I don’t think he realises what I do.

I suppose I don’t feel seen. That’s sad.

Two choices...
Except him the way he is and buy your own flowers or LTB.

I buy fresh lily's every week.

Some things are really not that important to me.

This is so sad. Don’t compare yourself to what others deem a good man. You don’t have to set the bar so low! Sometimes on here men are made out to be either manipulative, incompetent, uncaring, lazy, you name it. In real life, none of my friends or the husbands of my female friends act like this. Don’t put up with something because you’ve been brainwashed to think all men are like that. They aren’t!

You have a child, is this the relationship you want to model to them? Would you them to feel like you and put up with it?

I'm sorry but flowers are not a push present, he didn't even appreciate you enough to buy flowers after YOU grew and birthed your child.

I don't think he deserves you or your child tbh.

This really. It may seem cold and transactional but it’s the only way.

Buy yourself the flowers.

Is it just this that’s the issue? Maybe he doesn’t like being told what to do / buy and wanted to think of something yourself?

Also loads of other people usually send flowers on the birth of a child, I remember it actually being a pain for us as we ran out of vases and I thought how annoying it was that they’d sent something that would die in a week rather than something practical.

But if this is a long term pattern of him not listening and not treating you with respect or making you feel valued then I could understand why you are annoyed.

I can buy myself flowers... write my name on the sand...

Having a baby was your gift?! Frankly, I’d be digging the foundations for a patio if my other half said that to me!

Sounds like a relationship in a death spiral. He knows the flowers would mean a lot to you but still isn’t doing it, due to resentment. Meanwhile the physical affection you know means a lot to him you’re withholding, also due to resentment.

Up to you whether you want to try to break the stalemate and give the relationship a chance. I don’t particularly think you should- you sound a more switched-on person than him- but for that reason it’s probably only you who could do it. So the question is, give it a chance or cut and run?

PS the baby comment was appalling.

Opposite way round, I think you do too much for him and he has got the idea he's the prize here because of how good he has it.

I'd be saying 'OK, I earn more than you and I had the baby that you really wanted, yet you can't even be bothered to get me a lousy bunch of flowers. What's gone wrong here because I think I deserve better?'

And if you think 'that's too harsh, I couldn't say it' just remember 'the baby is your present'

I've chosen to focus on myself and my female support network and my own family. My DH is also not the type to buy me flowers, very disappointing

Clean tea towel or dirty tea towel?

I've never received a Valentine's card, gift, flowers etc in my life. Yes, it would be nice to.

Don’t do things for him until he starts doing nice thoughtful things for you….if he ever does. As for the flowers it’s ruined now as they never materialised so it’s too little too late and become a ‘thing’ rather than a nice gesture.

I like flowers too or especially plants. I very very occasionally get some from my DH or my adult DC and always try to make them last as long as possible.

So in between I buy lots of beautiful plants for myself for my tiny garden, lots of houseplants especially the on offer nearly dead sorts and revitalise them. so there’s usually always a plant in flower somewhere in the house. Plants really help me with my MH.

I also buy flowers for my DH if I’m out and about and see some pretty ones so I think our relationship is probably unusual in that way. I’ve got nothing to go on as my parents divorced and I never saw any flower buying from anyone growing up so I just do what I think is nice and makes someone smile and know they are thought of.

It’s a love language thing. I’d be thrilled if my husband of nearly 40 years bought me flowers but I’m resigned to the fact that romantic gifts and gestures are not his way of showing affection.

It’s sad but OTOH decades of mutual financial support, spider removal, morning coffee, laughs and fidelity are worth a lot.

This sounds incredibly sad, your comments about not feeling seen or special.
You can't expect someone to do the perfect gestures, it just doesn't come naturally to some people.
But not doing anything for your anniversary after you asked isn't nice.
How about little gestures, does he do those things to make you feel seen? Eg cups of tea in the morning, doing a household task you hate, looking after you when you're ill, making it easy for you to do an activity you enjoy? Even telling you specific things he appreciates or admires about you?

Usually the retort is “when did you buy me flowers? Why do I have to buy them”. But I do other things - I book restaurants, buy things I think he’d like, taken him on weekends away as surprises. He doesn’t organise anything without running by me, so he may suggest eating out but will ask me where or get me to book, I have to take the mental load of everything.

At first I thought you have a lazy DH. He’s putting the mental load on to you. Then I read another comment you made.

I’m a very anxious and high alert person so maybe he’s right

If you’re the sort of person who’s overly anxious then perhaps he can’t do right for doing wrong? He’s maybe worried about setting your anxiety off? You say he buys you high value things do you choose these things? He doesn’t organise anything himself but “runs it by you”. It sounds like he’s a bit scared of upsetting you tbh. As for the comment you made that your mum goes to great effort, he’s not your mum and you need to stop making comparisons.

You don’t sound suited tbh.

My husband is like this. It really cuts and I am not sure if we will last to be honest.

Trying to make it work we have been to marriage counselling and personal counselling. Something that occurs in my house and looks like for you is that he isn’t doing “the nice thing” and then acts defensive about it. My DH has a terrible memory and it is quite a disability for him neurologically. However when I ask, hey did you get me a birthday present (on the day) he will get really defensive and act like an arsehole. This creates a lot of hurt and makes the situation worse. He then says my hurt makes him anxious about doing the “thing” or he feels like the gesture is soured and ruined so he can’t fix it.

I wonder if it is possible for you to talk together and break down the steps of together when you are not arguing and identify all the elements of the problem without judgment? Easier said than done but we are trying to work on the way I ask for things, joint memory strategies, acknowledging his efforts even when he falls short and not buying into the defensive argument trap.

I know everyone on here is going to say that sounds grim but it feels constructive and being upset about anniversaries and birthdays was worse.

Genuine question because you are being so honest. Why do you feel like your feelings of being awkward outweigh his feelings of wanting to feel loved and thought about?

yes he could buy it himself but he could feel awkward about buying it now because he feels unworthy and the situation of him asking and being rejected is awkward on both sides.