To be concerned DM last marbles at 60

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

I love DM but I have become concerned over the last 5 years ( when she retired)

Rarely drives
Often gets lost on public transport when coming to visit ( we are 5 trains away)
Doesn’t cook any longer
Tells me she is Constantly exhausted and so busy even though she no longer works .
Struggles to make decisions
Is very negative
Not able to book things online.
Can’t cope with grandchildren
Is permanently stressed

She often comments on how she has forgotten or misplaced things and is always overwhelmed as she has on much to do.

MIL in contrast who is 74 independent and calm and has just returned from traveling in America.

I am concerned my mother is not well. It’s like she is acting 95! She is in good physical health but mentally seems to struggle with everyday tasks. I can’t work out if she is not using her brain enough and has lost confidence or if she has something more going on….

That'll be because you're old and marbles are not in place.

"Last" is a typo for "lost".

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/lose-ones-marbles

Five trains sounds like a nightmare. Online can be very frustrating when booking or ordering stuff. Not everyone is super capable. A lot of folk muddle through with difficulty.

It's really not normal ageing. She needs to go to a GP and ask for a memory assessment and have a check up.

Your mum sounds like she has executive functioning issues. Her age group are the great undiagnosed. The not making meals stood out to me as someone who was diagnosed with AdHD at the age of 48. Just too many steps to get an actual meal together so I'll often just have cereal. For me my difficulties got worse with age/menopause. All the tools I'd previously used to manage life were suddenly no longer working. Masking became much more difficult. There's no easy answer but do try to have some understanding.

If this started five years ago then it definitely sounds like it is menopause related. Far more likely than early onset dementia, unless it runs in the family and you haven't said.

On the five trains thing, it's made me remember that my mum was about 60 when we moved to the area we live in now. I used to drive about 10 miles to collect her when she visited so that she didn't need to change trains more than once. I am sure she was perfectly capable but I thought 60 was old at the time. Now I am in my early 50s, I don't think 60 is old!

Yes I agree, doing stuff online isn't easy anymore with all the two factor authentication and often websites are really badly set up and don't tell you what format they want things entered in, or don't accept pre-filled fields.

I bloody hope not!

What the OP is describing isn’t even that normal for 70 year olds never mind 60 year olds. My DH is 74 and although he’s mostly retired (academic) he is still doing some consultancy, writing and research. I’m 63 and was happily pootling around on the Stockholm metro the other week while DH went to a conference. All of our friends in our age group are still perfectly capable and living life to the full.

Dementia is not a normal part of ageing. This needs to be said again and again.

But most people don't see 60 as 'elderly'!

Hi @Pinkchickglitterpants

Could your DM be depressed? I only ask because except for the getting lost on trains this sounds a lot like me and I'm 35. I have PND but I think it had a lot to do with not returning to work and falling off the social sphere with my friends too. I feel so many of the things you described. Maybe some of those things are also a bit of a "cry for help"? I don't know your relationship with your DM but sometimes when I complain of things like stress or tiredness with my DM it's because it's usually the only way she might pay attention. She has an expectation of me that I am always ok and I wonder if sometimes that is how we think about our own mums. They have always been that pillar of support and we don't always give them the support when they might need it. Also sorry if that doesn't sound like you, but I know I have been guilty of always expecting my mum to be ok and it's only since becoming a mum myself I've really appreciated how much I expect of her all the time.

@Pinkchickglitterpants

Is there a way she can do that journey without going through London? For me, that's the bit that would be overwhelming . I make a journey which is similar and there is a choice to go through London or to outskirt it. She may find it easier with smaller / less busy stations .

I went through something like this during covid lockdown/menopause, kind of lost the will to live, felt trapped at home but had no confidence when we were all allowed out. Panicked about everything, lost my nerve driving, couldn't think straight, worried about online scams, didn't really take care of myself. Got some HRT and everything seemed to improve. If I had retired I probably wouldn't have got much better, as wouldn't have needed to leave the house.
I would have a gentle word with your mum and suggest a class - yoga/mindfulness to calm her mind? Cook her some nice food for her freezer, so you know she is getting some nutrients? Does she have friends - can you suggest they meet for a regular coffee/lunch? Volunteering might be fun too when she is feeling more herself.
I would also insist suggest that she goes to the doctor for a blood test to check her B and Iron levels and explain the rest of her symptoms, because you are all worried about her.

60 is no age at all most adults are still working - my dad is 80 and is nothing like this. He was working until about a year ago in a demanding job still.

Please don't assume this is normal - what you describe about her getting confused when travelling sounds like dementia/ the beginning of mental decline.

I feel like in many ways you have described someone about that age that I know.
I waffle back and forth between serious health concerns and wondering if it’s simply a combination of depression meeting anxiety meeting becoming more “fussy” as you age.

To be very very busy although retired… except the “busy” is being stressed you haven’t dusted the mantle, scrubbing under the cabinets, weeding an immaculate flowerbed… it’s confusing, because to anyone trying to keep small children alive or balance work life and being on the go it just doesn’t make sense.

Depression at growing older - not a clinical depression necessarily, but a general discouragement over feeling washed up and the world moving on.

Anxiety - again, not a clinical level, just a general dose of nervousness - at feeling unable to keep up with technology, use the confusing new operating system on a smartphone, understand popular culture, “get” things that younger people laugh at… it’s hard.

Anyways. I don’t have the answers, just solidarity as I am frustratedly watching a competent intelligent skilled and relatively young woman “shut down” in many ways over simply feeling incapable of staying “in the loop” in the world around.

Could she do all these things before?

I have to build in an extra half hour to new journeys to allow for getting lost so 5 trains to say London would see me somewhere near Nova Scotia.

But if its a marked deterioration then I understand your worries.

How is your Mother's sleeping? The other thing that sprung to mind is sleep apnea leaves suffers very tired, muddled and overwhelmed (also they have bladder issues in the night, as their system isn't in "night mode"). Might be another avenue to discuss, as she perhaps more receptive to seeing GP about sleep issues than memory ones... and then if GP rules that out, she's already got the "foot in the door" for the memory issues.

Use it or lose it . 60 is not old . It's late middle age .