To be concerned DM last marbles at 60

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

I love DM but I have become concerned over the last 5 years ( when she retired)

Rarely drives
Often gets lost on public transport when coming to visit ( we are 5 trains away)
Doesn’t cook any longer
Tells me she is Constantly exhausted and so busy even though she no longer works .
Struggles to make decisions
Is very negative
Not able to book things online.
Can’t cope with grandchildren
Is permanently stressed

She often comments on how she has forgotten or misplaced things and is always overwhelmed as she has on much to do.

MIL in contrast who is 74 independent and calm and has just returned from traveling in America.

I am concerned my mother is not well. It’s like she is acting 95! She is in good physical health but mentally seems to struggle with everyday tasks. I can’t work out if she is not using her brain enough and has lost confidence or if she has something more going on….

I live just outside the M25 and if I go by public transport to visit a friend in Sussex that’s 4 trains - so doesn’t have to mean we’re in remote locations, it depends on train lines. Though obviously driving is far easier - without a car many places are a bit of a faff to get from a to b even if not that far apart.

Yep. It shows that most of the people astonished at 5 trains either drive everywhere or have a limited are that they travel in. It takes me a bus, walk, train another bus and another train just to get to the closest decent sized town.

Thar seems unusual at age 60.
However your post mixes a lot of things. I lost confidence with driving and now only drive locally.
5 trains seems horrendous. See if there is a simpler way to get to you.
I would make appt with GP. If it's early dementia, there are things now that can slow it down

My MIL was like this at 60 and it was early dementia. I think your mum should see a doctor.

DH is almost 60 - he is not like this at all and still regularly travels for work . I think DM needs to see the GP sorry OP

5 trains seems horrendous. See if there is a simpler way to get to you.

Not everyone lives in a city or town which has good transport links.
See my previous post.

Covid has caused a lot of stress and brain fog too

Not normal, or I've only a couple of good years left ! I hope she's OK but would definitely recommend a doctor visit . Take care

Once people stop doing things, it can be hard to regain the confidence to do them. My mother wouldn't have been able to take 5 trains at 60. She never paid a bill in her life and chose not to develop/ maintain skills.

YANBU to be concerned, this is not normal unless she has recently experienced a close bereavement. You will need to encourage her to see her GP and take it from there. Perhaps you can go with her to give a fuller picture?

edited to correct spelling

Not normal at all
I would absolutely be worried about early onset dementia but depression can mimic this so also worth considering.

She really needs to see her GP in the first instance. Ask if you can either go with her to express your concerns or if you can call the GP or write a letter.

I agree, all my friends turning 60 at the moment, none of us are like this. I still have teenagers! . . When I felt like that I had a thyroid disorder so your Mum should get that checked and bloods generally (eg iron levels).

OP has she had a late menopause? That could be a factor.

Some of what you describe could be normal and explained away as a result of a big change in routine (retirement) common medical issues, (e.g. thyroid, ending HRT if applicable, depression) or generally ageing. Things like being tired and not coping with grandchildren, for example. I'm in my 40s and I'm knackered even on holiday and children are exhausting if you're not used to dealing with them anymore.

However, some of what you describe is quite concerning, especially as your mum is only 60 - not 90.

The getting lost on public transport and suddenly stopping or changing things she'd do routinely (e.g. cooking, driving, using the internet for booking stuff) is worry.

It doesn't mean she has dementia - like I say there could be all sorts of things going on. Does she live alone or with someone? If she's living with someone perhaps being with them or caring for their needs is incredibly overwhelming.

However I do think you should talk to her about your concerns. She may well suspect something is up. Something as simple as some thyroid medication or B vitamin injections may be all she needs, or indeed some social prescribing. However, if there's anything going on (mental, physical) then identifying it and dealing with it sooner rather than later is always a good idea.

My first thoughts were menopause related

Can you help your DM to see her GP? She must be quite distressed to be losing so much of her independence and abilities. This is not normal aging and she will know that too.

Plus, it's Britain and our transport network is based on a zig-zag pattern!
There are some great big bollocking hills to get round sometimes, so none of this 'as the crow flies' business 😁

OP, it sounds as though this is really out of character. Do you feel able to raise your concerns with DM - perhaps she's struggling with life a bit and may appreciate you bringing it up?
If I'm feeling flat and anxious, sometimes it's hard to start the conversation. Often though, I'm really grateful my loved ones raised the topic, as I'd been in 'getting on with it (badly!)' mode and ignoring the fact I needed help.

Hi all,
Thank you for the responses.

It suddenly appears that in the last 5 years my mum has taken a big decline and can no longer do the things she did previously.
I feel sad that everyday things seem to cause her such stress and anxiety. I don’t think it is normal that she feels so exhausted/ stresse/ overwhelmed constantly.
I have tried to talk to her , but she says she is fine . However she says that she forgets so much , makes so many mistakes and has resorted to writing things down as she just can’t remember things . She writes in her notebook or on her phone . I know something isn’t right but I guess I’ve been in denial / haven’t wanted to start the conversation off.
We all ( my siblings ) try to drive to her / organise food when we visit / make all arrangements for group decisions as we see she struggles.
I do think my mum is depressed and she can be quite defensive . When I broached this with my dad he said - he has noticed mum has become forgetful but would say nothing more.

Does your mum have any hobbies or belong to any groups ? Meet up with friends ? I'm a similar age to your mum and I retired last year and I do think it's important to keep yourself occupied, including learning something new or meeting new people etc

FWIW I hate driving and only drive locally and don't do much cooking either - so by themselves I don't think they are red flags - unless of course they are things your mum previously loved doing - in which case the loss of enjoyment of previous hobbies can be a worry - an early sign of dementia but also of depression .

The other thing I wonder is at what age your mum went though the menopause - this can be quite late for some people, into their late 50s and some memory / brain fog problems can be connected to that .

One of two of those things alone can be normal but all of them appearing doesn't sound great tbh

I would suggest going to the GP for blood tests. It is very early if it is dementia, more likely to be a physical condition (eg thyroid, anaemia) or depression.
Wishing you both well

I'm in my late 50s. 5 throbs would throw me a bit but I'm ND.

The other things are a bit odd though and concerning.

She definitely needs her iron, thyroid and Vitamin D levels checking.

When was the last time she had her hearing and eyes tested? Low hearing can be a factor with Dementia.

What does she do with her time? Does she Volunteer, go to U3A, see friends, exercise?

My MIL is retired and 70, she's just booked a solo backpacking trip to India.

My friend is 70 too and has done years of going to India and S.E. Asia. She's off to Mexico now. All solo. Like me. Travel all over solo. Keeps you on your toes.

We can speculate all night about your Mum's situation. But getting her to a GP is the first and most important step. Does your father not want to discuss taking her (if she is reluctant to arrange an appointment herself), or is he in denial?

Unfortunately, all you can do is say to mum and dad that a blood test would be a great idea, I've noticed Mum you look a bit pale lately you could be anaemic and need iron tablets, or whatever you need to say.

If they don't or won't respond, there's not much more you can do really, unless you alert the GP somehow.