To be concerned DM last marbles at 60

[Pinkchickglitterpants]

I love DM but I have become concerned over the last 5 years ( when she retired)

Rarely drives
Often gets lost on public transport when coming to visit ( we are 5 trains away)
Doesn’t cook any longer
Tells me she is Constantly exhausted and so busy even though she no longer works .
Struggles to make decisions
Is very negative
Not able to book things online.
Can’t cope with grandchildren
Is permanently stressed

She often comments on how she has forgotten or misplaced things and is always overwhelmed as she has on much to do.

MIL in contrast who is 74 independent and calm and has just returned from traveling in America.

I am concerned my mother is not well. It’s like she is acting 95! She is in good physical health but mentally seems to struggle with everyday tasks. I can’t work out if she is not using her brain enough and has lost confidence or if she has something more going on….

Sounds very similar to my Mum who started declining shortly after losing her Mum in 2016. She was 56 then and was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s in 2021.

Exactly. Bloody ridiculous journey! Five bloody trains indeed!

I will ask again @Pinkchickglitterpants how far away is she, and why on earth is she having to do this tedious and arduous train journey, just to see you?!

She sounds like my mother who is in her 60s and suffers from depression. Prior to this, she was functioning fine.

Just because YOU don't know anyone (around 60) who is like the OP's mother, that doesn't mean people like this don't exist at that age. 🙄

Many of us have attempted to explain this sort of thing. Not everybody lives close to family and not everybody drives or is prepared to drive a long distance to avoid using public transport. My parents moved when they retired and were 400 miles and a complicated journey away from us. You may well think this is a ridiculous journey but I make it regularly because there is no alternative. Plenty of other people make similar journeys all the time.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g Yeah ... so?

It's still a bloody ridiculous journey. What journey would be FIVE trains (assuming it's in the UK...?) I don't know anyone who has ever - or would ever do such a ludicrous journey time and time again.

Clearly you do.

I am entitled to my views and to think this is a bloody ridiculous journey!

@SabreIsMyFave
We are 4 hours away. I usually go to my DM but she used to come here. As I work full time and have young children. I can’t go to visit more than 5 times a year .
She used to come here for a week when she fancied it so could see the children. I don’t mind that she isn’t traveling here I just know she is sad she can’t see us as much.

It’s like
Mothers village to town - 30 mins
town to city - 1 hour
city to London - 2 hours
london to London - 10 mins
London to town - 30 mins

I am totally fine she no longer makes this journey. I understand it’s too much . I just suppose it seemed very sudden she couldn’t do it . Of course everyone is different but MIL is 16 years older and is able to plan , book and travel around Europe / America .

I started to meet my mother in London pretending I needed fo go to the city but she was still struggling . She started to go to the wrong locations /
stops and it was very distressing for her. She kept saying it was not concentrating but i
wondered if it was more. She had written out the route but couldn’t get to the end destination.

I’m 63 and nothing like it so it would concern me. Is she in a rut? Maybe she needs more variety in her life as perhaps she’s just stagnating rather than anything more serious.

I would keep a close eye on her though as the confusion about travel shouldn’t really be a big issue at her age. I could get myself to Australia tomorrow if I had to without any issues so a trip to London would be nothing.

@Pinkchickglitterpants, that sounds really worrying. If she used to be able to do that journey and can't now, something's wrong.

She really does need to see a GP to rule out anything that may be causing confusion and soon. If she's not willing to go, you could email her GP stating that you don't want to know anything but you want to make them aware and give a summary of what's been happening.

I've done this a few times with different relatives and they've always asked them to come in. Do it by email so that you have a record and suggest that she could be called on for a "Well Woman Clinic" or for a medication review.

She had written out the route but couldn’t get to the end destination

That really isn't typical of depression, it's really an indication that her cognition is very impaired.

Do get in touch with her GP @Pinkchickglitterpants

And is it possible that your dad is burying his head in the sand, because he fears dementia?

@TheShellBeach
I think my DF is in denial. It’s hard as we aren’t very close . But I have noticed him become frustrated with DM which he never did before ( or I never noticed ) it’s almost like he is slowly withdrawing.
DM now is often sad that she can’t do something and I ask her - why don’t you ask DF ! I can’t help think he maybe is struggling so has withdrawn.
I think I’ve been in denial! I need to speak to DM. Then get her to GP.
I don’t want to belittle her or anything- I suppose it’s just been abit like - what’s going on with mum …??? But then I convince myself she is fine. Thats she is retired and just getting older but she is only 60. Seems mad she has lost so much of her ability.

Not read the whole thread, but sadly, yes, I would be extremely concerned 😞

I am 62 and all of my close friends are 55 to 70 years old. Only one of them has the sort of problems you describe, and very sadly she has been diagnosed with eo alzheimers.

I'm older, know a lot of older people and that really doesn't right

Individually they're not a problem but when you put them all together I'd be concerned

Would she be willing to go to the doctor?

And flippant comments on threads like these aren't reassuring or helpful

How many do you know?

I agree about the complicated journey but the rest of it is still concerning.

I'm over 60 and know plenty who are. I think it's a bit concerning, especially if new. Would she see a doctor for screening?

Please do try and persuade her to go to the Doctors.

Will admit if someone said 5 trains across the UK or fly to America, the American journey sounds less hassle.

I'd definitely encourage her to get checked. I don't think this is normal at 60 if she's been able to do these things in the past and this is a decline. I don't want to worry you but my Mum now has advanced Dementia, but if I look back, before her diagnosed, we had started to witness things like this, although she was prescribed anti depressants which did help a bit, but I do wonder if it was the start of her decline. Sorry if this worries you - I hope this isn't the case x

I think it's pretty normal to be in denial, especially when your DM is still relatively quite young.

I always think that we try and convince ourselves that they are ok and things aren't changing whereas in reality our DPs might have deteriorated a stage further than we are willing to accept.

I hope you get chance to talk to them about POAs and persuade your DM to get checked. I'd still send an email to her GP outlining your concerns though as she may tell you she's seen the GP but you'll have no way of knowing if that's true.

I'd also like to recommend the book Twilight Shepherd by John Oakstone as it gives very clear and practical guidance on seeing our DOs through the stage where we need to take more care of them.

Do come on over to the Elderly Parents board too, even though your DM is not that old.

Hopefully it will be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency and she will be happier this time next year

TBH if your Dad is withdrawing and probably in denial, then if it were me, I think I'd make a visit during the next half term, have a GP appointment sorted (tell mum of course, she is an adult), and accompany her (say it's to give her support). Ask for blood tests and a general check, then go over the issues.

If mum refuses, then I don't know what else you can do, other than to alert the GP that there is something wrong and maybe the District Nurse (I don't know the drill) could call out or something.

As for forgetting things, I am 67 and if I didn't have reminders on my phone for every goddam thing I wouldn't get anything done at the right time, and my medication schedule would be out the window! As for those who say they never forget things (and I know this is different to your Mum's situation), have they ever gone to the top of the stairs to do something, forgotten why, gone back down to retrace steps and do it all over again! That's me now and then.

I am nearly 60 and I don't think the way your mum is behaving is normal for this age.
I often travel across the country in a similar way several trains plus tube and it is not an issue (except for the bleeding circle line at Paddington, I really do not understand that one, so will avoid!)
I do forget the odd thing, so if something is important I will add a reminder in my phone, but I am working still in quite a demanding job, and have no issues with that.
I would agree that your mum probably needs to see a GP, but I don't know how you'd do that if she didn't agree.

At 60??!!!!!

No that is not normal. I am close to 60 and some of my pals are early 70s. No way are any of us like this description.

At 60, really you should still be able to live a full and active life. I honestly cannot think of anything with me now any different than 30 years ago.

Except i cannot bounce up as fast from sitting on the floor. Which i still do as i still work as a childminder.

This doesn't sound normal,or healthy to me.

I'm older than your MIL and (apart from noticing I am not quite as energetic as I used to be) none of that applies to me. I travel the world on my own, cook a lot, run my life online and have an Apple wallet full of tickets for upcoming trips and events. I visit the gym 3/4 times a week and have an active social life with friends and relations. I am having the time of my life.

One thing that strikes me is it might be depression. After my dad died my previously vigorous and dynamic mum became very like your mum. I think it was depression and loneliness. At one point she took anti-depressants for a few months and there was a huge improvement but she decided she didn't need them and stopped taking them. or there might be a physical reason for this untimely decline.

I sympathise with you - living with someone so low and apathetic can be very draining.

I’m half your mother’s age and suspect I would have the potential to get confused on a journey with five trains 😂 I don’t do public transport really.
Some of that sounds a little extreme but honestly some just sounds exactly like my mother in law. I really do adore her but she’s absolutely determined to be an ‘old lady’ at just turned 60. She’s always been quite.. sedate, and I suspect is taking her age as a very good excuse indeed to settle into an elderly type of life!
Conversely my own mother is the same age and still works full time etc and just as capable and energetic as she was twenty years ago. People are all different I guess!

I don't understand the title. Is it a sentence?