Middle age mean girls

[50andBeingBulliedWTAF]

I can’t believe I am writing this.

I’m 50 and I feel like I’m being bullied, like I’m back in year 6 or 8 again, part of a mean girl pile in.

I mean WTAF?

I’m in a group of friends, and friends of their friends. One of them seems to have a massive problem with me. She’ll be openly friendly with everyone, but when I turn up the temp drops and I get a very frosty reception. She’ll also repeat back something I’ve said and put a sarcastic spin on it, and an eye roll. The others sit there and say nothing, and they won’t as they are better friends with her than me, as they have a lot more history. I noticed one of her friends has started with the frosty reception too. I also think that if I were to pull her up, she’d deny it, and then I am the bad guy.

I don’t think I’ve offended anyone, and usually I get on with people really well. I’m meant be be going out with them next week, but I am feeling anxious about it, and not looking forward to it. I think if I get there and she makes any digs at me, I’m just going to leave and be done with the group.

If it was any other area of my life I’d be instantly sticking up for myself, but in this group I feel they’d side with her if I said anything to her. I actually think she feels safe and emboldened to act this way as she has her mates around her.

At 50, you’d think some people had grown out of shit like this, and I don’t need it in my life.

My DH says I should find other people and perhaps he is right, but I don’t want to leave the group because I’ve been bullied out of it.

I wondered if it was just me being sensitive, but someone in the group picked up on it, and agreed that she’s not very nice to me, but doesn’t want to get involved.

Honestly, it’s like I’m 13 again and I don’t want to go to school because of a couple of mean girls.

WWYD. I think I want to leave the group, but not give her the satisfaction that she pushed me out.

You could reframe this

'My DH says I should find other people and perhaps he is right, but I don’t want to leave the group because I’ve been bullied out of it.'

Is it you leaving the group because they have bullied you out of it or are you asserting yourself and advocating for yourself enough to say 'I don't need to give my energy and time to these people'? I'd ghost them. Give them zero explanation. Cut them out. Give them no energy instead of bad energy. Grey rock is the most painful thing to people like this and their flying monkeys. Cut the attention/drama oxygen they thrive off. They can't play stupid games when there's nobody to play with.

I agree with the above. Grey rock them. You have better stuff to do than play these childish games. Better no friends than friends that make you feel like shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I had something similar a few years back. Eventually I confided in a couple of the other women, and they admitted that they couldn't stand her. It ultimately resolved itself and she ended up leaving.

Could you speak to more of the others and ask if something has been said about you?

I'd have it out with her. Just frankly tell her that you feel a tension from her and you'd like to know what it's about. Mention that you will be continuing to see your friends and as you'll both be part of those meet ups it matters that you can get on. It let's her know her plan isn't working (if there is one to push you out) and also you've been the adult in calling her out on it. It can't be very pleasant so definitely needs dealing with.

Hmm, yes I like the way you’ve put it.

Thats the problem I think. I don’t have a lot of friends or any family where I live. I’ve fallen into the trap of horrible friends are better than no friends.

Also I'm sorry that the other person won't 'get involved'. Those people are worse than the bullies.

This was on a thread the other day, Would this help for how she is behaving? If you look at this on you tube it will bring up loads of other videos on how to deal with bullying, including bullying by an adult.

Its a shame none of the others are prepared to say anything. When I was at school a new girl started making jibes at me and it finally stopped when one of my friends said ' you are really nasty to Supportthatway' and she actually went red with embarrassment at being called out on it and stopped. If they are not prepared to say anything, I would question how much you want to keep their friendship. I would not expect grown women to tolerate this shit, I'd expect them to call it out in the group or have a quiet word with the bully to knock it off. I wouldn't be able to respect them for sitting by and allowing this to happen.

If they won't, I think you have three choices (1) call it out in the group yourself. Even saying ' what is your problem with me' loudly in the group may be enough (2) ignore it and continue to be her victim (3) walk away from the friendship group.

Be Sigma

Stop giving a toss about them. Who wants to be "friends" with a bunch of twats. Be your own best friend and stop caring about them. Live your own exciting life without those sorts. Drop them.

I think your DH is right about finding new friends. It’s one thing for one or two people in a group to dislike and marginalise you and just opt to ignore them and concentrate on your friends in the group, but here even the people who are actually supposed to be your friends aren’t sticking up for you or fighting your corner. None of them are your friends, it’s counterproductive to be worrying about giving anyone the satisfaction of you leaving.

Try and think of them as separate people rather than a group - is there anyone there that you want to retain as an individual friend ? Concentrate on that friendship when you next go out . If there isn’t then just walk away .

If you do go out with them and it’s horrible again then your DH is probably right - don’t waste your time on people that aren’t worth it

Yes “Switzerland”.

Well, until someone starts picking on her.

You don’t need these toxic people (or spineless enablers) in your life. Cut them out - but I would (before you leave in a blaze of glory) call her out at the next event when she acts like a cow. Thing is, when your gone she’ll pick another victim soon after - do the other sycophants realise this??

Absolutely not. Do not do this. Bad friends are worse than no friends and it will have a detrimental effect on your mental health.

Either call her out or leave the group. For example,

"What do you mean by that?"

"Why are you repeating what I'm saying?"

And so on.

Don't worry about the group, they're not sticking up for you and are sitting back while you're being bullied.

Yes, call her out politely but firmly. It's possible she/they have underlying mental health issues going on.

The are all at menopausal age as well.

Most of the nastiness is down to either jealousy or competitiveness. Weak people like cliques and enablers.

They are not good company for you. Refrain it in your mind, that they are unhealthy and don't add anything to your life. Rise above them, walk away calmly. Choose to leave, rather than be pushed out. Who wants to hang around the gutter anyway?

This sounds like one of those situations I only ever read about on here, where someone talks about 'friends', but it emerges they don't actually like these people, they're just people they hang around with. Do these people, any of them, add anything to your life, OP? How are you responding to hostility from this woman, OP?

I should add that in my mid twenties I had a friend who used to invite me out with her friends from her home town. A new girl joined and basically ended up isolating and then kicking one of the women out of this friendship group, which was her only friendship group. It was absolutely fucking horrible and I couldn't believe they were all letting this happen. I walked away from all of them because I did not want to be friends with people who were prepared to go along with something so cruel.
There is no shame in walking away from people who behave like this, whether they are doing it to you or someone else.

You're completely right, 50 is too old for that kind of behaviour! You don't need to be treated like that.
I would stop meeting up with that group if she's there. If there are any of the group you're closer to you could mention it and tell them you still want to be friends but aren't willing to be treated like that anymore

Ask your favorite ones out of this group to start doing stuff together away from the main group.
Ask one of your favorite ones if they've noticed the rude behavior.
If no one wants to spend time with you away from the group, or they dismiss or deny your experience, they are not your friends. Leave the group.

You need to show the group that you bite back if you want to be part of it. These things are a battle of wills. If one is mouthy all the weak ones will bow to her. If someone is mouthy back and better, the respect will shift to them.

Personally I couldn’t be arsed to fight for my position. I hate all the social hierarchy stuff.

If you do go out next week and that woman mimics you say something like, is that supposed to be funny? (Not a la Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, but just to put her on the spot for a second before you go “Oh… anyway” and ask someone else in the group a completely unrelated question about something going on in her life)

Waddya mean I’m funny?

two truths

• it’s ok for someone to not want to be your friend - it’s not your job to persuade them otherwise
• friendship should make you feel safe and joyful

while this woman doesn’t have to be your friend - and you dont have to force her. It sounds like your other friends in the group aren’t proactively doing anything to make you feel safe / happy / protected / joyful when she’s around. In fact, by allowing it to happen unchallenged they’re tacitly condoning it.

Have you had any conversations with other friends about it? Do they know what might be up?

Its hard when people are doing things which are plausibly deniable - but if she’s openly treating you differently to other people then no one sane will pretend not to notice.

I wouldn’t give up on a whole gang without at least doing a little digging…

Agreed. I went through this & in the end I left when I realised how much I hated being there. When I left, apparently THAT was the wrong thing to do & I should've stayed there because - what? Because they wanted to see themselves as a group that would be together forever, I think, even though it was toxic.

The bully infected some of the others so that women I thought were neutral or friendly were suddenly looking down their noses at me or making snippy remarks. Some of it was ridiculous, & yet everyone either took the bully's side & were influenced by her, or remained my friend but didn't say anything when the bullying started or she behaved bizarrely.

I saw the bully recently - she came up to me out of the blue & acted like she was an old friend. I can't stand her & never want to see her again.

OP, hope you get out & find some normal people!

Sorry you are being bullied by this person. I would value myself and either call her on it or walk away from the group.

In a group dynamic like this OP you can have one of three roles. The bully, the target or the audience who have to keep their heads down unless they get picked as the new target. If none of those roles appeal to you, then take your DHs advice. Because every single women in that group is accepting the dynamic and playing her allocated role, and you will not change it as a lone objector. If you manage to take on and beat the bully, then she will swap to someone else and you'll be back in the audience, which isnt great either.