Middle age mean girls

[50andBeingBulliedWTAF]

I can’t believe I am writing this.

I’m 50 and I feel like I’m being bullied, like I’m back in year 6 or 8 again, part of a mean girl pile in.

I mean WTAF?

I’m in a group of friends, and friends of their friends. One of them seems to have a massive problem with me. She’ll be openly friendly with everyone, but when I turn up the temp drops and I get a very frosty reception. She’ll also repeat back something I’ve said and put a sarcastic spin on it, and an eye roll. The others sit there and say nothing, and they won’t as they are better friends with her than me, as they have a lot more history. I noticed one of her friends has started with the frosty reception too. I also think that if I were to pull her up, she’d deny it, and then I am the bad guy.

I don’t think I’ve offended anyone, and usually I get on with people really well. I’m meant be be going out with them next week, but I am feeling anxious about it, and not looking forward to it. I think if I get there and she makes any digs at me, I’m just going to leave and be done with the group.

If it was any other area of my life I’d be instantly sticking up for myself, but in this group I feel they’d side with her if I said anything to her. I actually think she feels safe and emboldened to act this way as she has her mates around her.

At 50, you’d think some people had grown out of shit like this, and I don’t need it in my life.

My DH says I should find other people and perhaps he is right, but I don’t want to leave the group because I’ve been bullied out of it.

I wondered if it was just me being sensitive, but someone in the group picked up on it, and agreed that she’s not very nice to me, but doesn’t want to get involved.

Honestly, it’s like I’m 13 again and I don’t want to go to school because of a couple of mean girls.

WWYD. I think I want to leave the group, but not give her the satisfaction that she pushed me out.

Sorry to hear this @50andBeingBulliedWTAF This is why I literally cannot be fucked with most people anymore. I am sick to death of being in groups of people, friendship groups, hobby groups, and social meet-up groups etc. Because in every single one of these groups I have ever been in, there has been a gobshite, a bitch, a bully, and a bossy person. Sometimes, more than one of each.

I am actually fairly quiet and placid in real life, I don't like confrontation, and I hate arguments. I like a peaceful, quiet life, and am never nasty or bitchy to anyone. I used to go to Church up to about 3 years ago. (Lockdown stopped it and I never went back really. Just went 3 or 4 times after in 2021.) In Church and in every other social group, I found several people rude, disagreeable, and bitchy. Women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s were very bitchy and catty; moreso than women in their 30s and 40s IME. Even a few men were arseholes, (but not so many - as there were much more women than men.)

I had it at school, and every job I have ever worked in too. I am now nearly 60, and seriously absolutely cannot be fucked anymore. In my life now, I have 2 friends who I have had for more than three decades (they don't know each other,) and I see them for coffee or lunch around 7-8 times a year. I have my adult DD and their husbands who I see twice a month. Then I have half a dozen friendly and pleasant neighbours who I would help in an emergency, and who I chat to to in passing (I see them once/twice a week.) But we don't live in each others pockets, and I see them at the pub sometimes - (me and DH go once or twice a month.)

I am in NO social groups now, and no longer go to Church, because I just CBA with the catty and bitchy arseholes that were always in these groups. And like you OP, I sometimes had the bitchiness and cattiness aimed at me. Sly, underhand, snarky comments, sly digs at me, my DH, my house, my lifestyle, all sorts.

Just had enough of most people and CBA. Keep myself to myself most of the time, and am happy to have in my life just 2 friends, my DH, my 2 DD and their partners, and half a dozen friendly neighbours. Too long in the tooth now to be fucked with arseholes, bitches, rude opinionated gobshites, and bullies. And I have had all of them in every social situation and every job I have ever been in.

I really do genuinely believe that sometimes (when someone is spiteful, catty, and bitchy,) that it's pure jealousy.

I really appreciate all your comments thank you.

There is no way I'd stay in the group. It's not being bullied out of it, it's knowing your worth and stepping away from toxic people. Bad friends are not better than no friends.

I really wouldn't bother challenging anyone about their behaviour.

It will be a waste of time. She or they will just look at you blankly.

Just fade from view. Stop socialising with them. Yes, you'll be lonely for a bit but that's a damn sight better than being around such awful people.

I bet you'll find one or two of the group reach out to you to socialise independently anyway.

And don't bother chatting to them about it either because it will just get back to the queen bee bitch and you'll look like the cow.

A dignified silent exit. If anyone asks why you're not coming out anymore just say every time the occasion clashed with another event.

Personally I'd go once more, wait for the sarcastic comment and pull her up on it.

Then hold her accountable - any excuse she offered I'd just bat it right back to her 😁

After that I'd stand up, say have a fabulous time - this negative group isn't for me any longer.

But, I'm happy to be the bad guy 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣

I wouldn’t bother anymore. The ones you do get on just say “Hey, I’d love to hang out but maybe in a smaller group setting. Should we arrange for lunch/brunch drinks sometime” as you’re declining a wider invitation.

If they invalidate your feelings then back off from them too.

I'm wound up & triggered on your behalf here!

Making my blood boil, I can't stand bullies.

I think however there is a huge gulf between female & male attitudes & reactions with friendships etc, with mine & other kids I've seen how nasty little girls can be with each other & harbour the issue, vs boys who have a tussle & it's over with & it seems to follow a similar route in adulthood.

I wouldn't stand for what you've experienced, without a doubt I'd call them out in front of the group & a less than friendly chat when they go to the loo or something.

The 'friend' that has picked up on it, but doesn't want to get involved, is IMO just as bad. The friendship group, as a whole are complicant in the bullying by not knocking this bully down a peg or two.
You're right ,it is like primary school, where better someone else gets bullied than me. Let's all stick our heads in the sand and pretend it's not happening.
Like others have said, move on from this group, and don't look back. I know it's hard but you'll feel so much better in the long run.

I’ve a best friend who is like a sister to me, but doesn’t live near me. I’ve got other hobbies that I attend 1-2 times a week and have made friends there. I work and have really good friends there. I meet other non group friends at least once a week.

You have a lot of friends, (I'd love even half of that) you don't need this group. IME school / toddler group mums are not friends, you grow out of them very quickly. The thing you have in common is flimsy and while it's not nice to be an outsider you sound like you can deal with it.

This has happend to me, and I am even older. I did some research on 'mobbing' and found it useful in understanding what was happening. Usually, a powerful person in the group is jealous of you and encourages others to distance themselves from you. They are too afraid of being mobbed themself to stand up for you - and it is a very lonely place to be. I stood up for myself, kept turning up, kept being friendly, but in the end, even though it looked as though I had 'won', the whole situation was so joyless that I left. The literature on mobbing generally advises you to leave - the sooner, the better. Sorry this has happend to you - it is shit, but you were picked on because you are 'better'.

Yes, people bully at any age. Just walk away. Friends are supposed to make you feel good and source of mutual support.

In my experience, confronting/calling out/challenging these people doesn't achieve anything. In your head you have it all worked out, like a movie script where you come off as the "winner" in the exchange/spat. The reality never works like this, you're left feeling upset, shaky and everyone is looking at you like you took a dump in the middle of the room.

Spending time with friends should make you feel positive, happy and blessed to know the people you're engaging with. If it doesn't...don't do it. Honestly OP, just back off and let them all get on with it.

You’re a mature adult. Choose who you want to spend your time with and meet up with them separately from the rest of ‘the group’.

Is she threatened by you? I had a similar situation years ago when someone froze me or bullied me out of the group. It was because I was a threat to her friendship with another woman in the group, long story. I distanced myself from the group in the end or was bullied out. She was a very clever and seasoned bully. Awful person.

This - absolutely great advice.

I’ve grey rocked my nearly 50 year old SIL. I’ve had no contact in nearly 11 months. I can honestly say how lovely it is not having to deal with her comments and put downs. If they’re true friends those that are meant to be in your life will stay.

Life’s too short for anxiety with people
you thought were your friends. Things change and so do people, some friendships just aren’t forever. That’s not easy to accept, I understand that. Move on and make friends independently from this group. You are worth more.

I was in a book group and one woman was incredibly passive aggressive to me. I had known her loosely for years and she didn't originally know anyone else, but then she kind of took over and clearly wanted me out. And suddenly everyone else was fawning all over her. I couldn't believe it was happening. But each session was more and more uncomfortable for me and in the end I left. I have never regretted it, though that might not suit you. These women are relentless once they have you in their sights.

I have been targeted more than once like this and I can see that there has always been jealousy on the part of the perpetrator. It's not particularly anything I have done. But I don't play games myself and don't fight back and I think they know it.

Had it happen twice to me since leaving school, once with a work colleague (found another job) and once with a mum group of friends I'd bonded with years earlier at a playgroup (stopped bothering with them). I've never had it out with them. I don't know if removing myself from the hurt is the right attitude or not. I've never wanted to be around someone who doesn't want me.

If you actually want to keep meeting that group, just make sure there will be a few allies with you. Otherwise just forget them

There are a few queen bees in our school mum group. I am not part of the inner circle but I am invited to get togethers. They also would not slag anyone off to me as I would pull them up on it. I can't stand cliques.

I had one of these women, used to mock my accent and phraseology. I think she wanted to chase me out of the group, but I refused to have her impact me.
She would tell my DH how much she loved me, dahling dahling, we love your DW & he used to just laugh because he knew she was a girl-dog.
I just stayed in group & never talked to her directly. SHe started to attend less frequently, but I think she wanted to be Queen Bee in a group with no need for a Queen. She was just loud, and I was easier to mock if I made a suggestion or whatever. And she could exert her dominance.
I say, ignore her.

I can't be doing with social groups. I've just got individual friends who don't know each other. That's because I'm very fussy about who I want to be around and I want a proper conversations - not the type of banter you get in groups.

I have enough passive aggression and sly digs from my mother so I wouldn't go near bitchy women. I can spot them a mile away.

I'd ask her in front if everyone what her problem is, or stop going and when asked why tell the truth, mean people rarely expect to be put on the spot by someone.

You think people turn 18 and grow out of all this, sadly many still like “the drama”.
if there are friends worth fighting for, I’d have a quiet word with a couple and put the feelers out, I’m betting most people don’t like her just don’t say anything in fear it will be them next.
If none are really good friends (and let’s face it youd hope one would take a stand), then I’d drop the lot of them, I’d rather spend my time making new and better friends.
You could go one last time, be assertive, answer her back with “oh you do like an eye roll don’t you, you always do that or tutt, how odd / I don’t know why you are so cruel to others” etc then walk away with a smile and G&T in hand.