Middle age mean girls

[50andBeingBulliedWTAF]

I can’t believe I am writing this.

I’m 50 and I feel like I’m being bullied, like I’m back in year 6 or 8 again, part of a mean girl pile in.

I mean WTAF?

I’m in a group of friends, and friends of their friends. One of them seems to have a massive problem with me. She’ll be openly friendly with everyone, but when I turn up the temp drops and I get a very frosty reception. She’ll also repeat back something I’ve said and put a sarcastic spin on it, and an eye roll. The others sit there and say nothing, and they won’t as they are better friends with her than me, as they have a lot more history. I noticed one of her friends has started with the frosty reception too. I also think that if I were to pull her up, she’d deny it, and then I am the bad guy.

I don’t think I’ve offended anyone, and usually I get on with people really well. I’m meant be be going out with them next week, but I am feeling anxious about it, and not looking forward to it. I think if I get there and she makes any digs at me, I’m just going to leave and be done with the group.

If it was any other area of my life I’d be instantly sticking up for myself, but in this group I feel they’d side with her if I said anything to her. I actually think she feels safe and emboldened to act this way as she has her mates around her.

At 50, you’d think some people had grown out of shit like this, and I don’t need it in my life.

My DH says I should find other people and perhaps he is right, but I don’t want to leave the group because I’ve been bullied out of it.

I wondered if it was just me being sensitive, but someone in the group picked up on it, and agreed that she’s not very nice to me, but doesn’t want to get involved.

Honestly, it’s like I’m 13 again and I don’t want to go to school because of a couple of mean girls.

WWYD. I think I want to leave the group, but not give her the satisfaction that she pushed me out.

You've probably triggered her insecurity somehow. I've had similar in the past and walked away. Life is too short. More fool your 'friends' for not defending you. You deserve better.

I hear you!

I’m really struggling with a few things at the minute and it is showing me who my true friends are.

I’m the sort of person who will do anything for my friends, would drop everything if they needed me and am always thoughtful around big life events, or sending them little gifts or nice messages if they are struggling. I get absolutely none of this in return and I’ve decided enough is enough.

My experience of this is when you call it out and ask if they have a problem with you they gaslight and say they don't know what you mean or you are being too sensitive.

You could go head on "Oohh nice sarcasm" or "wrong side of bed?"

Usually shuts that shit down.
Or you pull a couple of them to one side and ask the question on why she does it.

Either way, don't put up with this shit. At 52 I would rather my own company than be treated like that.

I’d just 100% ghost /grey rock

No friends really are better than horrible friends !

I would get her on her own and ask her what her problem is.

I think you've received some excellent advice on here. Fwiw, I've been there too - similar age but different circumstances; it messes with your head and it's a lonely place to be when even your " friends" are saying nothing and " keeping out of it". I was victim of a vile, nasty bully who targeted me and went on to tarnish all of my friendships within the larger group; people who had previously been polite and chatty started treating me like shit on their shoe and joined in with the sniping and mean comments if I dared try to enter the conversation. Funny enough when the group fell apart, these people suddenly wanted to be friendly and chatty again, as if nothing had happene d, but I couldn't overlook their part in the bullying and gave them a very wide berth. As a poster said above, the enablers are actually worse in these situations. Screw the lot of them - move forward with your life, being friendless is honestly better for your self esteem than being a part of a toxic clan.

I would call her out. In a grown up way.

If you’re thinking of leaving the group anyway then you have nothing to lose. It takes bravery but use some of the suggestions posted - something specific like “Why are you repeating what I just said?” rather than something more vague that she can just deny like “do you not like me”.

You might find she stops doing it and/or the rest of the group are emboldened to shut her down if she does. Or maybe not, but as I say, if you were leaving anyway you’ve lost nothing.

I would give the other friends a bit of slack, unless they are backing her up and repeating what she says, or gossiping with her behind your back. They may not have noticed her comments in the way that you do when they are directed at you or misinterpreted it as humorously meant or light-hearted teasing.

I wouldn't just leave without fighting my corner first as that would just be giving in to what the bully wants and leaving a social group which may be important to the OP.

Like I've just joined a writer's group which I love. And it's a paid activity. Everyone seems lovely but there is no way I'd go down without a fight if someone was being unpleasant to me and trying to stop me doing something I loved doing.

I agree with @Cheeseandbean. if you particularly like certain people in the group, ask them to do something individually with you and strengthen those friendships.

You can always dump the rest of the group.

This happened to me too.
I do my own thing and I'm so much happier. I'm not embarrassed to say I'm a bit of a lone wolf now. One friend didn't even turn up to my wedding. We were like sisters so I was confused. Anyhow, haven't looked back. She would bitch to me about her other friends so I didn't see how bad things were until it was too late. Life goes on doesn't it? OP you can decide to pull away if you want to.

Manipulative behaviour is something that some don’t grow out of because they’ve seen it gets results. Rest assured these people are massively discontent and so the pay back is they can never have proper relationships where the other person isn’t afraid of them. In terms of what you can do, I agree with the advice offered. Honestly, move on, be you, be free and leave these immature girls back at high school.

I think those of you saying they are too old for this behaviour are in for a shock. People's personalities are more or less fixed by their mid twenties so a 22 year old bully will still be a bully at 82.

This isn't inevitable, sometimes people change (I did, after extensive therapy) but on the whole the elderly adult will be similar to the younger adult with the same insecurities and neuroses, coping mechanisms and personality traits.

I'm in my sixties with close friends ranging from fifty to eighty and despite my long training and practice as a psychotherapist, I have been shocked by some of the behaviours I've seen recently in two separate 'friendship' groups.

It’s up to you if you want to do battle. Some will say stand up for yourself but practically your situation sounds like a big headache. I’d personally want out.

If you’re deciding to leave the group anyway, genuinely, I wouldn’t call any of them out.

your silence will genuinely leave them guessing as to where they stand with you - and this will affect them more I think than calling them out

I don’t know why I think I don’t have a lot of friends.

I get on great with my parents, I’ve a lovely DH and DC, I’ve a best friend who is like a sister to me, but doesn’t live near me. I’ve got other hobbies that I attend 1-2 times a week and have made friends there. I work and have really good friends there. I meet other non group friends at least once a week.

Not sure why I feel the need to be part of this local group TBH. It’s school mums and their extended friendships. Some of them are quite well off and they have quite an attitude.

My NCT group went like this. Queen bee took against me, nobody stood up for me, when I stood up for myself it was met with silence. Left the WhatsApp group and moved on with my life! You don’t need ‘friends’ like this OP.

I think it is hard at any age to feel left out and bullied. School mums are the worst aren't they? Someone I thought was a good friend left me out of a birthday lunch with her other friends. When I asked her why she said I was her special friend who she told all her problems too. Well guess what? I didn't want to be that friend anymore. I have never forgotten it.

This. You must stand up for yourself.

I had a situation EXACTLY like this with a group of middle-aged women.

I decided to prioritise myself and leave the group. I don't want to see the woman or be involved with her. I've got bags of other friends - it's no loss.

It's a shame, because I've seen how funny, bright and warm she can be, but I'm not going to waste a second of my time upsetting myself about it/ trying to get her to like me any longer.

If it was your child you'd pull her out and help her make/ be friends with other/ lovelier girls. Do this for yourself - it'll feel amazing to draw a line and move on.

Big hug, OP. Sorry this woman is being a cow.

you are worth more than this OP …..as soon as I read your first post….I thought….’eh up, this will be school Mum friends’……it’s just not worth the grief….,,leave them and their pathetic attitudes and move on

Can you just ignore those people in the group who are being like this?

Or will that not work as they have too much influence?

I wonder if it's more a need for being considered suitable as a friend for this group? Even when we have good people who like and love us, as you clearly do, there can sometimes be a bit of self esteem at stake about being popular and accepted by everyone. I wonder how much this is genuine upset about the people themselves and how much is 'why aren't I good enough for the bully to like me and other people to stick up for me?' Even when rationally you know it's them not you, it's hard not to have that creep in. Especially if you were bullied when younger. The scars go deep.

Bin them off! You are lucky to have lots of other friends so focus on those ones.

Sadly for me it is school mum friends or none. I’m really struggling with the idea of having none.

One that had become a real best friend to me over the past few years just always seems to let me down. It’s all talk and no action with her, lots of messages saying she is there for me, but then when the shit hits the pan I am on my own.