Middle age mean girls

[50andBeingBulliedWTAF]

I can’t believe I am writing this.

I’m 50 and I feel like I’m being bullied, like I’m back in year 6 or 8 again, part of a mean girl pile in.

I mean WTAF?

I’m in a group of friends, and friends of their friends. One of them seems to have a massive problem with me. She’ll be openly friendly with everyone, but when I turn up the temp drops and I get a very frosty reception. She’ll also repeat back something I’ve said and put a sarcastic spin on it, and an eye roll. The others sit there and say nothing, and they won’t as they are better friends with her than me, as they have a lot more history. I noticed one of her friends has started with the frosty reception too. I also think that if I were to pull her up, she’d deny it, and then I am the bad guy.

I don’t think I’ve offended anyone, and usually I get on with people really well. I’m meant be be going out with them next week, but I am feeling anxious about it, and not looking forward to it. I think if I get there and she makes any digs at me, I’m just going to leave and be done with the group.

If it was any other area of my life I’d be instantly sticking up for myself, but in this group I feel they’d side with her if I said anything to her. I actually think she feels safe and emboldened to act this way as she has her mates around her.

At 50, you’d think some people had grown out of shit like this, and I don’t need it in my life.

My DH says I should find other people and perhaps he is right, but I don’t want to leave the group because I’ve been bullied out of it.

I wondered if it was just me being sensitive, but someone in the group picked up on it, and agreed that she’s not very nice to me, but doesn’t want to get involved.

Honestly, it’s like I’m 13 again and I don’t want to go to school because of a couple of mean girls.

WWYD. I think I want to leave the group, but not give her the satisfaction that she pushed me out.

I'd 100% let this group go OP. As pp have said, the enablers are a big part of the problem here. I wouldn't bother with any of them.
Leave them to it and move on. You'll feel so much better.

Some women never grow out of that mean girls shit. They sometimes just learn to hide it better.

Do you actually like any of them, OP?

If not, ditch the lot. They are taking up time you could be using to meet other people.

My heart sank for you when I saw they were school mums . I’ve been there . I have made lovely friends who were school mums but also been ostracised by some others in a clique. The good news is that life moves on and children make and keep their own friendships . Wierdly they think that they are better than you - they aren’t . Stick with your real friends and the best of the school mums ( it can be invaluable to compare notes with someone you trust with kids a similar age )

School mum cliques are always bored cows, from my experience. Get rid, bye bye. You just fell in with the wrong (mean girls/self professed it-girl) crowd.

Pffft, agree with others OP, walk away from this situation.
Sounds to me like you have lots of good stuff and lovely, healthy connections in your life 😃
I've been on the receiving end of crap like this and life's too short, especially when there are loads of other things you'd rather be doing than watching someone lord it over others. It's painful to experience it, but don't let it knock your confidence!
Next time it happens just blow an enormous raspberry and back away slowly with crossed eyes...
That'll sort it 😁

I remember two sisters who were the mean girls in our school Mum's group. I started ignoring them and would literally just say hello when I saw them, but not attempt to make any conversation. I made it clear that I didn't want to be friends with them. I focused on the nice people in the group.

I think they were taken aback that a "forriner" like me could not want to be friends with them and they're as nice as pie now when I occasionally see them at sports games (our children aren't at the same school anymore).

Agree complicity is another wound to have to deal with on top of a bully. It’s so painful.

I think in this case if others are willing to watch it happen I’d decide these aren’t my people.

A fresh start with a renewed sense of what you are looking for in friendships and restoring your self worth I think is your best option here. in which case I’d ghost. The others have already spoken (without speaking). So no need for words from you. My sense, as unjust as it is, is that it won’t go in your favour. I’d save yourself any further upset.

There’s a woman at my church who behaves like this in her 80s. Some people never grow out of it.

You have nothing to lose really at this point so you may as well confront her.

Ironic that today is officially Mean Girls Day! I didn’t know that was a thing either!

It’s crazy isn’t it as you get older you still encounter behaviour that’s from the playground!

I’d go out, and if she starts I’d stick up for yourself. You will see who out the group are real friends as they will be the ones that support you. And if they don’t, then it’s no loss to you as it sounds like you have much better friends in other circles.

Good luck! Keep us updated <3

They're definitely not good people but saying they're worse is extreme.. of course the bully is the worst.

self professed it-girL

This made me laugh as it is a very good description. They do see themselves as this. I really don’t know why, because they aren’t. Sometimes I think they are massively deluded and often ask myself what planet they are on.

This thread has made me see I’m wasting my time on a group of people I don’t feel comfortable with and don’t share values with. Some of the things they say would never pass the lips of my other friends.

Play her at her own game. Be nasty to her, but only when she is the only one who can hear. Make remarks that if questioned can be made to sound friendly but are actually snide. Be lovely to everyone else. Make her feel singled out and isolated. It should nip her behaviour in the bud if she knows that you can play the same games as her.

I would do a faux innocent calling her out so she can’t accuse of being mean or making unfounded accusations.

So if she keeps repeating you in a sarcastic way - ‘are you alright Jane? You’ve repeated me a few times tonight, is it a bit tricky to hear me properly?’

if she is frosty or cold to you ‘ you seem very quiet Jane, you’ve barely said hello. Is everything ok?’

if she makes a nasty joke ‘sorry Jane I didn’t catch that. Can you say it again?’ Or ‘I’m not sure what you mean Jane I’m sorry, can you explain it?’ With a big (and slightly concerned) smile

it’ll massively piss her off because you’re calling her out by looking like the worlds most considerate person

I also think your husband is right - cut this lot loose, not because you are being bullied out but because their behaviour is beneath you. Not only the main instigator but also the other ones in the group who are ok with being around and tolerating behaviour like that - their passiveness is enabling it.

Yes, it is shocking that some people are still like this at 50 but it is fairly common. Grim and best avoided.

You'd not be leaving after being bullied, you'd be leaving because you know you deserve better.

It’s a strange dynamic - someone dislikes you enough to make underhand comments, single you out for spitefulness.

id love someone to do a study as to why this is. My DS at school, popular, good friends, but one lad would single him out for loud comments and mickey taking (only mentioned many years later). I had one girl who would single me out and make faux jokes. Did it in adulthood too when I later bumped into her.
i go to a hobby group ,roughly 10 members - been going for nearly a year, one woman has avoided saying a word to me, has been part of the group for much longer than me -why🤷‍♀️

I'm just going to offer some phrases that might or might not be helpful:

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm sorry, I still don't get it."

"Oh, it was a.. joke...?"

"I get the impression you're not too keen on me. Have I done something to upset or offend you?"

"Oh. You're doing that thing again when you repeat what I say with a sarcastic tone of voice."

"Have your ever seen the film Mean Girls, Charlotte?
...
Oh, no reason."

Are there any who you would meet up with individually and maintain a seperate friendship with?

I think if it were me I'd want to try calling her out subtly whilst maintaining calm dignity, before I blew up my friendship with the group. If you're pretty sure it's dead anyway, it might be worth a bash, and it wouldn't be uncommon for one person dropping a bomb as they leave to be the catalyst that gets the whole group to have a good shake up. There are likely only so many people she can bully out before they turn on her and/or a new friendship group quietly forms with the less mean people.

their passiveness is enabling it

Yes, it is. Also I think they say nothing as they don’t want to have any conflict with anyone and not participate in the things the group does. They know this person is rude to me, and bitches about me behind my back, but they don’t want to miss out on the nights out.

It’s a strange dynamic - someone dislikes you enough to make underhand comments, single you out for spitefulness.

It is strange. As an adult I’m often told I’m very well respected, assertive, people listen to me, but I’m also quite chilled out. In a group I’m mostly listening, not talking. I’m not the quietest, I’m in the middle.

I don’t understand why I’m singled out TBH.

More than likely she’s threatened at your likability and trying to undermine your friendships with the rest of the group.

However no matter what the reason, the rest of the group allowing it to happen would be enough for me to say fuck ‘em. They don’t deserve your company and it sounds like you have quite a full and rounded life without them.

You don't have to socialise in big groups. Ask your favourite one/two/three to meet up separately.

I feel your pain OP. I'm 53 but over the last few years I've had a handful of situations where someone behaved like a mean high school queen bee, American movie style. It really startled me first time it happened.

I think it really depends on how much it affects you. If you come home from every get-together fuming, there's no point going back. If you can ignore the mean girl and enjoy interacting with the others, keep going.

Confrontation is unlikely to help. Sometimes there's a sick fascination in observing how much brass neck some people have, which can help get some distance.
There was a mother at my youngest's school who yelled at me for ten minutes when I tried to take up her son's bullying behaviour with her. Then a year later, she bought me coffee, blamed the school for her son's actions and tried to recruit me for a campaign against another child in their class who her son had a problem with. I sat there thinking, what are you made of???

Of late I'm just the seriously unfashionable one. I can feel the pity and condescending radiating towards me off the mums with the carefully colour-coordinated, branded outfits. I joke about it with friends afterwards.

It's not uncommon.

There are some very nasty and bitter women around unfortunately.

Personally, next time, I would tell her to Foxtrot Oscar in front of everyone, and then leave the group.

It's not the quantity of friends that's important, it's the quality that matters.

Sorry to hear this @50andBeingBulliedWTAF Sounds like jealousy to me!

Sorry to hear this @50andBeingBulliedWTAF Sounds like jealousy to me!