Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

[Elisoe]

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

The kids are fine and this is a classic over bearing MIL.

but that’s for diabetes #1. People without diabetes don’t need to worry about blood sugar. And yes, refined carbs. White processed bread, pastries etc. But that’s not all carbs.

excess calories are what is linked to weight gain, numerous studies have disproved that carbs are responsible for weight gain. It’s calories. Balance is what is key

Honestly, having seen obesity levels, academic achievement and child behavior abroad (in the country where I currently live an work, as well as others I’ve worked in previously) I think we, as British parents, could learn a thing or two re: constructive free time, diet and behavior from other countries.

Eh? There is evidence of bread or that type of thing being made for thousands of years.

It doesn’t sounds like you have anything to worry about to me. Cultural differences explain it all. Their diet sounds great to be honest, obesity is such a problem in this country I’m not sure why you’d complain that they’re not eating junk! Not staying overnight is also fine - I have an almost 5yo who hasn’t been away from me for a night, except when his younger sibling was born. I have no need or desire for him to stay elsewhere and so far he’s not expressed any wish for that either. Sounds like she didn’t like the toys you bought them and got rid of them - her house, her choice. They’ll have plenty of opportunity to play with different toys at nursery/ school. Leave them be and enjoy their company when you can.

Oh come on, you are better than this. Your "Russian friend" is clearly displaying worrying levels of internalised misogyny and you are merrily going along with it instead of thinking about it critically.
Russian women have the same opportunities for work and education as the rest of the western world. Yes, the government is keen on instilling "traditional values" but Russian women don't have to go along with it and have plenty of other aspirations which don't include marriage.

Well that's ridiculous if so. It's hardly the fault of normal russian people that Putin is an arse.

Very true but I still suspect not far from the OPs thinking!

Yes, she totally is.

I am not saying it is valid for everyone there and yes, some Russian women have broader ambitions and similar options as western women. Especially those from upper middle class families in big cities.

She was my colleague at a tech company in EU, because her family was wealthy enough to send her to an EU university.

However, saying that all Russian women have the same choices as western women is naive.

From OP's concerns, I wouldn't mind ballet or healthy food, but the gendered toys and dresses clicked with that style of thinking.

No, DH has type 2. Eating too many carbs and too much sugar doesn’t directly cause type 2 but, along with high levels of inactivity, it can significantIy increase your risk of developing it, and being overweight increases the risk several fold. Studies have shown that people who regularly consume foods with added sucrose and fructose, along with refined carbs have a greater risk of developing type 2 diabetes. My point was that if, as it sounds, these children are getting enough nutrients, including carbs from a healthy diet and have high levels of activity, then it’s a positive start in avoiding type 2 diabetes in later life.

But not in the same way as it’s made on an industrial scale now.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with their diet; it doesn't sound restricted to me. They are eating lots of fruit and vegetables and a varied diet. So many children here are brought up on beige food, without being exposed to much else, and then become overweight fussy adults. Scrambled egg for breakfast is a great start to the day because it fills you up and keeps you going all morning. Steamed vegetables are also great because they retain their nutrients.
Snacking isn't part of many cultures - France very much frowns on snacking and the norm is that other than a small after school snack, food is only consumed at mealtimes and at the table. There is a French family who living near me for a year and I wonder what they are making of the school lunches offered in this country.

Your conclusion I totally agree with, on the same page which is lovely!

but the carb insulin hypothesis has been disproved. It shows high carb/ low carb diets don’t make any difference when the calories are the same. That’s what the meta analyses show.

that’s unlike a diet high in saturated fat where excess amounts regardless of adiposity and total calories raises the risk of heart disease substantially.

but the last 2 points are pure pedantry only part and I apologise, I can’t help myself. We’re on the same page though re the purpose of this thread

Haven't rtft so don't know if anyone else has already pointed this out...

Sugar is a carbohydrate.

Overall I think their home environment is good, not punitive.
Firstly it's really not your place to criticise unless you want to alienate them( further, if you're the same poster)
They are fed a nutritious diet. They may not have potatoes, but fruits and vegetables contain carbohydrates which are metabolised into sugar.
They would not have energy to do the classes if not
The gender stereotypying of toys isn't a problem Children evolve with age
Be interested in them all,not intrusive and opinionated.

Marriage and career opportunities aren't an "either/or" thing. Most would want both.
Russian and other Eastern European people tend to put more importance on appearance and performative femininity. They see Westerners as sloppy and scruffy. So my guess that's the case with the firend or OP's DIL

OP, do not say anything!! they will just be annoyed that you are criticising their parenting and distance themselves from you.

They sound like parents who have thought through their parenting style and are committed to it, rather than people who are neglectful or abusive, so they definitely won't appreciate you challenging them on that. You just have different views. One isn't necessarily better than the other. The kids might rebel or they might thrive. Either way, the best thing you can do is keep a good, open relationship with them all. That way if it gets too much for the kids as they get older, they can turn to you for help, rather than you being alienated or them not liking you because you criticised their mum.

Parents are honestly judged no matter what. My in-laws think DH and I are far too lax with our children, while our friends think we are far too strict. As long as kids are loved and looked after, there's no benefit to anyone else trying to stick their oar in. You sound like a lovely grandmother but just be there, be supportive of them all and be a safe space as the kids get older. You've had your chance at parenting, now it's their turn.

Carbs turn into sugar as soon as they're eaten - that's pretty much the definition of what a carbohydrate is.

Fruit is high in carbs, so the lack of pasta & bread is really not an issue.

The rigid control of their behaviour is the big concern for me, kids should be kids, allowed to play (with any toys, not just gender stereotype toys) and laugh etc.

They're having naturally healthy food - butt out!

I’m a bit concerned about several comments about a low carb diet for young children being ok. This is absolutely not the case animal fats and glucose for brain development are extremely important. Our diet culture and constant ‘healthy’ eating advice is creating a culture that is harmful to children. If any child is not getting enough calories with a healthy balance of carbs, fats and protein you are setting them up for poor mental health and the possibility of an eating disorder. To the OP you are in a difficult position as your DIL could possibly have an eating disorder herself, hyperfixation on food/quantities and rigid thinking can be symptoms, but could also be related to her own upbringing. As the MIL your opinion may be disregarded. However I would try to give some information to your son to ensure the children are following their growth curve (red book info from birth) and if they are dropping off it they are not getting enough nutrition.

Their diet sounds great and similar to my children's. Carbs and sugar are ruining peoples bodies. Lots of fruit, veg and promises perfect for humans

So that sounds sensible and not as harsh as you originally made out.

The diet is the least concerning part. For most of the 200,000 years of human history there was no pasta or bread or rice - no farming of grains at all - and most cultures didn't have potato either. They're empty calories that metabolize straight into sugar. Then farming came along about 12,000 years ago and most people who weren't wealthy started living mostly on the cheap carbs and got LESS well-nourished. The few hunter-gatherer people who are still around have well-nourished kids with good teeth and no obesity. Nobody of any age actually NEEDS simple (usually processed) carbs. (Same goes for milk, which so many Western people think kids "need"). It's the sexist stuff that's concerning.

Protein not promise

Exactly. My kids eat steak and eggs twice a week for tea. They do have carbs, as it's quite hard when you've been use to carbs and sugar all your life, but the last year their diets have significantly changed and they eat a lot of eggs, meat, veg and fruit. People do not realise that actually when we eat carbs, our blood sugar rises aswell, diabetic or not. The more it rises, the closer to diabetes we are