Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

[Elisoe]

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

I’ll only comment on the nutrition.

You do realise that carbs are just turned to sugar and nobody actually needs to consume carbs, right?

There is no such thing as an essential carb. There are essential vitamins, minerals, fats and proteins (amino acids).

They are getting lots of protein you say, well the body converts excess protein into sugar if it wants or needs to. Gluconeogenesis.

You say they are having fruit and veg and likely dairy too, so there is no problem.

So, they have quite a lot of carbs then.
You also said they have fruit, fruit has carbs too.

these are a multi generationally traumatised people:
an accurate remark and relevant to this discussion

Yep. My partner is type 2 diabetic and has mobility issues meaning he can’t move about as much as recommended. His battle isn’t with sugar, as most people assume with diabetes, it’s carbs. The problem is that if you don’t burn off the carbs you eat, they’re stored in the body as sugar, and many refined carbs don’t have much nutritional value unless you go for the whole food versions of rice, pasta, etc.

It sounds like the children have a good diet and they are a reasonable weight and height. They are also well behaved. It's very difficult to see a problem here

Funny how much you know and criticise for someone who literally says you don’t live close and the grandchildren are rarely away from their mother so you don’t see them on a weekly or likely even monthly basis and the only posters you respond to are those that agree with you.

Her DIL is Ukrainian. It isn’t just a Russian upbringing though, it’s a normal one across Slavic countries, and indeed non-Slavic ones as well.

You can have whatever opinion you like about the culture, but it’s not changing because you believe it’s ’objectively wrong’. The children are being raised Russian/Ukrainian and the parents are on the same page regarding that, so not sure why you think the father opposes it yet won’t stand up for his children.

If OP keeps sticking her nose in and giving opinions where they’re not wanted she’ll end up even more estranged from them all than she already is.

It is not your call at all - do not even think about trying to interfere. I tend to keep my son (who is a lot younger at 14 months) on limited low-value add carbs (i.e. bread, rice, potatoe, pasta) but he eats loads of the other stuff (including oats, sweet potato, loads of dairy and protein, lentils, loads of different vegetables and fruit) and is a big toddler for his age in a good way. I do it because this way he still gets carbs but he also gets a much broader range of flavours and nutrients - and most dieticians would approve / most my friends are super impressed how much and well he eats and dietary advice has changed a lot in the last 20-30 years. Similarly on snacks lots of the advice says that you should not let kids have too many snacks as it stops them eating the healthier main meals. On the classes, many 3 year olds are at full time nursery so that is nothing by comparison.

You shouldn’t comment on nutrition when you know nothing about it.

carbs aren’t the enemy. Wiki isn’t a reputable source of info. We do need carbs, fruits are carbs, veg are carbs. Food breaking down to glucose is normal. The body needs carbs or else it starts to break down muscle. Learn some basic nutrition

The DIL is Ukrainian, but even in the event that she is Russian, it’s an upbringing that is hardly exclusive to Russia.

It’s also entirely the choice of the parents, not OP. That’s the only relevant factor tbh.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Today 10:41
It sounds awful!
I agree children need carbs - they could steer clear of really processed ones like cheap bread, and by all means focus on protein and other nutrients, but children do need some carbs.
I don’t think that’s the main issue though!
Her strictness sounds absolutely awful! Yes, there might be cultural issue here but another culture can still be objectively wrong, and those things you’ve detailed do sound wrong and damaging. Your son really needs to stick up for his children, and protect them.
“Russian culture” being “harsh” doesn’t make this fine. It’s led to a population that accepts being thrown into a meat grinder of an illegal war and being slaughtered in their 100s of 1000s for one thing! And to accept a downright evil dictatorship without any meaningful resistance. They’ve lurched from Tsars to communism to this appalling regime they now have with only the tiniest glimmer of democracy in the 90s - these are a multi generationally traumatised people: you don’t want your grandchildren raised in this tradition!

Christ. What a bunch of cobblers.@LondonPapa why do you say that exactly?

To be clear - you can get plenty of carbs without eating bread, pasta, rice or potatoes - you just get them with the benefits of other nutrition as well.

Sounds like your DS & DIL have got it right. Low carbs is the only thing that could change, but they've got a good thing going on.

Snacks at a designated time is chef's kiss.

Haven’t read all the threads. The only slight issue that made my eyebrows raise, was not being able to play with certain toys. Other than that, they are going to grow up leaner and fitter than a good deal of children, are getting plenty of good quality activities, and are probably going to be polite and well behaved.
Back when I was growing up, my Mum had a much loved Polish friend, and her family raised their children a bit differently to how we were raised. Stricter, but much loved, encouraged to be high achievers outside of school, and they had very good manners. We all played together amicably, and are still friends (those still alive) to this day, some 50 years later. The expectations around men and women varied a bit, but they are/were all happy. High standards, achievement goals and a healthy lifestyle, tempered with lots of love but not over indulgence.

Wtf did she say they were Russia then?

Obviously very different cultures and I wouldn’t have made the comment had I known that!

Im going to ask for it to be deleted as based on false information

Presumably because the last thread went the opposite to how she wanted it, so she thought presenting her DIL as an evil Russian instead would work in her favour. .

Agree 👍, also aseem malhotra, ivor Cummins, gary taubes, all evidence based research,

Wtf did she say they were Russia then?

Plenty of ethnic Russians live outside of Russia. Their citizenship may not be Russian, but their nationality is.

I would be worried about their diet and their attitude to food as they grow up.

Kids need healthy carbs.

Super processed crappy high protein low carb keto wraps are awful- definitely not something I'd feed my kids.

They'll play with cars and "boys toys" at nursery.

Actually my DH’s diabetic nurse has given much the same information. There is very little nutritional value to refined carbs, unless you stick to wholemeal, and you can get enough carbs from natural foods as well as some sugars from proteins. The relationship between carbs and exercise is important because unused carbs are stored in the body as sugar. Over time, that plus lack of exercise can lead to type two diabetes, so I think these kids are off to a good start in avoiding that.

Why would you assess her behaviour differently depending on whether she is Russian or Ukrainian?

Wow. Do you know anything about Russia, Ukraine, and Belarus? How connected they are (were)? The shared history and traditions - especially with food and the raising of children. They're not very different cultures at all. They are interwoven cultures.

They are having healthy carbs though.

OP posted:

a normal day of meals is more like, scrambled eggs/fruit for breakfast, fruit/veg snack, lunch with the low carb tortilla wraps or similar, fruit/veg snack then meals like stuffed bell peppers or fish with steam veg. The fruit and veg do bring some carbs but they really don't have pasta/bread/potatoes often at all!

Often doesn’t mean they aren’t having enough and fruit and veg are healthy carbs.

OP says she doesn’t live close by to have them so doesn’t see them enough imo to be a reliable judge and critic on their upbringing.

It’s a cultural thing. The 3 year olds timetable sounds positively empty compared with the timetables in the country where I’m working at the moment! And parents in lots of countries are more strict about food and behavior than British parents.

I don't see the issue here OP. Yes she's strict but you've got to consider the culture she's coming from perhaps is like that and that's OK. It's not detrimental to them in that they're not being harmed just dil and son are making different parenting choices to what you deem as the 'norm'. If anything I think it's great re diets- could do with some more of that with some kids these days!