Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

[Elisoe]

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

Success in the marriage market? Whatever next! They are small children?!

maybe she wants them to be healthy, have hobbies, bilingual, be active, well educated and not rude spoilt brats who eat junk food all day.

I would not say anything. It sounds like a healthy diet to me. Perhaps offer to watch the kids more often and when watching them offer carb heavy meals :)

It sounds fine to me, my 3yo doesn't eat many carbs either! I serve her pasta, potatoes, bread, but she doesn't really like them. I woudn't worry.

The only thing that's a bit sad is that the girls aren't allowed to do "boys things" or relax about getting mucky outdoors :(

I think a lot of this may be cultural. The food choices/timings may be down to their mums own preferences. Yes carbs are needed but if they aren’t hungry and healthy it’s ok. I know someone who didn’t ever allow her child pudding as she wanted her to keep her slim figure. Clubs a lot of children do a lot/to much I think. I believe adults would be exhausted if they did the same. I’m a believer that down time and rest is important too. Balance is key. However as the grandparent I think it’s best to say nothing as it will probably go the wrong way. If you tried with your son a conversation about the amount of clubs he did as a child, how do you think it would pan out?

Glad it's not just me who thought thjs? Do the kids not ever eat fruit?

I wouldn't worry about the classes but the toy thing is total bullshit. My DD is super girly and loves dolls but also Hot Wheels. Maybe buy them some cars to keep at your house?

The Mother gave away the cars bought for the girls because they are boys toys.
Their diet sounds good, as long as the veg is carb heavy, she might be adding pulses/legumes etc. Over controlling, authoritive parenting isn't good, it stifles the child developing their own personality and setting their own norms. It can affect future relationships etc. There's so many posters married to high achieving men, who are trapped in FOG, emotionally unavailable and lacking in kindness. But it could just be the OP's perception and her son is counter balancing things.
@Elisoe say nothing, learn about her culture. The time will come when you can have more contact and school will be a big influence. If they need somewhere to run to as tweens/teens be available.

I agree with this. Children need carbs. They are growing, not trying to lose weight.

Yes, YABU, OP. The diet you've listed sounds perfectly healthy. Saturday language lessons are normal and, at that age, the lessons are probably focussed around play and being with others from the same culture.

5 fun classes a week (which would be about 40min, max 60 for a 3 year old) also don't sound particularly taxing. It sounds like a good opportunity for socialisation and learning how to follow instructions and play well with others, which will stand her in good stead when she starts school.

Your DIL sounds like she's raising polite, well-mannered, ambitious children.

I thought you were massively unreasonable even before I read suggestions you're likely to be the same poster who was slagging off her Ukrainian DIL in an earlier thread...if this is you - step back. Develop other interests and go on with your own life. Your desperation to paint your DIL as a wicked witch who is destroying your precious grandchildren will only widen the rift you've created between yourself and your son.

Here is information about what children need to eat
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/weaning-and-feeding/what-to-feed-young-children/

I think this is the Russian way 🤣 I don’t really think any of is that bad except the boys and girls toys is old fashioned. Maybe the food rules are a bit strict but I think it is only this generation that is allowed to snack whenever they like, I know I wasn’t allowed food between meals.

Op, you obviously dislike your DIL. You are very critical of her as shown by your other thread.
You really need ti stop this or you risk your ds and his wife going NC with you

The not having snacks outside of snack time is what is recommended by dieticians for children (ensures they aren't grazing throughout the day so they eat their meals).

Having read your posts, it doesn’t sound unhealthy to me.
My Russian DIL also has a nanny from the former Eastern bloc and the diet isn’t dissimilar. DGS is lively, happy and bilingual.
I have noticed that his regime is very timetabled, about baths, meals, playtimes, daily walks, bedtimes etc, but that doesn’t seem to be harmful at all.
My DS works mostly from home and is very hands on, being around more than DIL is, so the gender stereotype thing isn't present.

My 3yo does 4 sports a week. She enjoys it and she’s a very energetic child. I’d rather she was in sports than watching tv.

Language lessons are such a useful life skill and considering they are immersed in British culture 365 days a year their mother is quite right to want some link to her own culture.

The diet thing is neither here nor there tbh. They’re certainly not malnourished and will be far healthier than kids stuffed full of chicken nuggets, pizzas and spaghetti hoops.

is it a bit different to the typical British upbringing? Sure, but the typical British upbringing is frankly a bit lazy and a bit shit and you don’t have to look far to see how
many chubby entitled brats it creates.

I don’t really know why you have an issue with all of this OP do you want your DGC to be fat, sat on the couch watching peppa pig and glued to iPads? I certainly wouldn’t mention it unless you’re prepared for your DS and his family to go very low contact with you.

Said as a Slav - this is entirely normal Slavic parenting, even if it’s a culture shock to you. They’re in the UK because of the war, which means it’s very likely they’ll end up moving back once they deem it safe to do so. So, even aside from the fact that this is entirely normal parenting, they’re going to want their children to be able to fit into their home country and culture when they return, as well as have fluency in their first language.

You’re already partially estranged from your son and his family (and the distance predates him even meeting his wife, despite you wanting to believe it’s her fault), maybe stop looking for support to further push your opinions on them lest you end up estranged completely.

Your DIL is Russian and doing things the Russian way. I advise you to stay quiet and preserve your relationship. Nothing good happens from speaking against the Russian way.

On the diet front, are you sure it’s low carbs? What about potatoes? I’d be very surprised if she is forcing an unhealthy diet on her children though. From experience, Russian diets are very healthy and hearty. They’ll be getting more than enough nutrients for development.

Disregard my previous message on the food. This is normal food and not an issue. Don’t make waves over nothing.

Nothing like a good ole bit of mumsnet xenophobia

Crikey, do you actually know any Russians?

I don’t really know why you have an issue with all of this OP do you want your DGC to be fat, sat on the couch watching peppa pig and glued to iPads?
I think this and the many other similar comments from posters is a bit harsh!
Just because she has conerns about the upbringig of her grandchiidren it doesnt equate to wanting them to be to be fat, sat on the couch watching peppa pig and glued to iPads?
The OP asks
Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?
Seems fairly reasonable and she's had confirmation on this thread that it is indeed a different style that she's not familiar with .

Not Xenophobia- I knew I’d get slated but I’m not going to say a culture that has traumatised both its own culture and all of its neighbouring countries’ populations

Yes

Half-Russian myself here. Sounds pretty normal as for good manners in public, no snacking outside meal times and extracurriculars being potential future careers rather than hobbies. And you need to start them young if you want to excel in music or sports.
Stricly gendered play and wearing dresses at all times is less normal, i wouldn't like it either, but seems like its your DIL's personal preference.

Christ. What a bunch of cobblers.