Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

[Elisoe]

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

For the pedantic, of course I'm fairly sure most will know carbs convert to sugar. I'm referring to refined sugars that are biggest impact to the NHS, not carbs.
Healthy people, gym going people, do eat carbs.

It seems regimented but so many small children’s lives are these days as both parents have to work full time.
i wouldn’t risk saying anything. Perhaps offer to childmind/ see the DCs more often for some relaxed time on a regular basis.

It's very hard to do this. Overnights are a massive no and we don't live close.
The longest they will let anyone have the girls for is a few hours and that's maybe 3 times a year at most! They have never spent a night away from their mum ever, other than the eldest the night her sister was born.

It seems okay, slim is fine, as long as they aren’t actually thin, on younger children this is often visible around the eyes for example or the rear pelvis or the lower sternum being overly visible. Seeing ribs front and back is normal on a lot of children, so don’t let that panic you. Our son was under weight when he came to us, interesntingly this wasn’t done on weight, but visible checks, the main one being visible eye socket ridges and a ‘hole’ under his lower sternum.

Their diet is appalling!

@Elisoe i think you’re right to have concerns, but if you voice them, it’ll lead to you being cut off.

Stay close to the children and make your home a happy welcoming place, then when they’re older they may turn to you.

Human beings survived for hundreds of thousands of years without bread or potatoes.

This isn't bad parenting it's a cultural difference. We know a lot of Chinese families for example and they seem to have very very strict schedules and to achieve that the children are disciplined very clearly. A 6 year old in my house would just refuse to do an hour of violin practice for example but not in their Chinese peers' households where they lay out very clear expectations about respect and discipline. The food sounds fine. The gendered toy stuff would annoy me but just buy them barbie cars or pink hot wheels and wait for the girls to become goths at high school.

Children (and adults) need carbs. We are meant to get 50% of our energy from them.

Unless what the OP actually means is no processed carbs, then I would be very worried. Are they having fruit, veg and whole grains?

I was a brought up by very strict, authoritarian parents. I was punished for the slightest thing.
It was very damaging to my MH and still affects me now as an adult. Needless to say I have not adopted the same parenting style with my own children.

From your first post I thought their diet sounded concerning but when you went on to describe what they eat, their diet actually sounds really good and healthy! Lots of cooked food with fruits and vegetables and they get to eat cakes and other stuff as occasional treats.

It's hard to explain the diet as it's not no carb or keto it's just heavily fruit/veg/protein with little carbs. They have a roast every Sunday (my son insists on this) and obviously that is quite carb heavy but a normal day of meals is more like, scrambled eggs/fruit for breakfast, fruit/veg snack, lunch with the low carb tortilla wraps or similar, fruit/veg snack then meals like stuffed bell peppers or fish with steam veg. The fruit and veg do bring some carbs but they really don't have pasta/bread/potatoes often at all!

They do get treats not just at Easter, normally Fridays they get a sweetie after dinner and on Saturdays they either all eat out or order in so that's less restrictive and Sunday is roast so definitely less restrictive then.They get Easter eggs and birthday cake etc.

Right, so as it turns out, they get a healthy diet, that includes carbs and treats. Maybe your diet isn’t so great and you are confused as to what is good? I’m really struggling to see any issue here. I’m guessing you just don’t like your DIL in general?

I look back at my childhood and despite the poverty we had little carbs, comparatively to the diet in the British isles now.
E.g. ham and eggs for breakfast.
This was in communist Eastern Europe.

I agree about it being a cultural difference, my daughter has a couple of friends like this. Doesn't mean it is not going to be psychologically damaging.

I have colleagues from overseas who moved to the UK to escape some of the stricter elements of their culture.

I don't have issues with the children being encouraged to do their best and given opportunities to do educational activities, what bothers me is controlling, authoritarian parenting which I worry will cause psychological damage to the children.

The dietary issues are too much but the rest sounds ok. The only thing you can do it to have a gentle word with your son.

I know a few DC who have Russian mothers. They are all disciplined, academically high achieving and talented. Their mothers pay an unbelievable amount of attention to their education and extra curricular activities.

To some it will seem extreme, but the other end of the spectrum is the slack, lazy, liberal and undisciplined UK parenting which has done our children no favours.

Somewhere in the middle seems the best. If the DC are no being abused, I’d just keep my mouth shut.

I know a lot of Asian and Eastern European mothers. Western mums think they are strict and even a little abusive. They think we let our children fail.

The gender thing is frustrating. The only other thing that sounded off in your OP was their diet, but the more you say about it the more it seems it's actually just a healthy but ultimately very normal diet - so what's the problem?

what bothers me is controlling, authoritarian parenting which I worry will cause psychological damage to the children.

Whereas our social media obsessed, do what you like so long as you are happy, don’t say anything to anyone in case they get offended, everyone is a winner…culture has had no affect on our young people’s mental wellbeing whatsoever.

They have a roast every Sunday (my son insists on this) and obviously that is quite carb heavy but a normal day of meals is more like, scrambled eggs/fruit for breakfast, fruit/veg snack, lunch with the low carb tortilla wraps or similar, fruit/veg snack then meals like stuffed bell peppers or fish with steam veg. The fruit and veg do bring some carbs but they really don't have pasta/bread/potatoes often at all!

Its hardly child abuse behave they don’t have loads of white bread, potatoes and pasta!

Despite what posts are saying no they don’t need cereals for breakfast or sandwiches for lunch. Scrambled eggs and fruit is perfectly healthy, filling and nutritious.

And a couple of classes when the 3 year old only does a few mornings of nursery is absolutely fine.

They don't have a low carb/keto diet if they are eating fruit and veg. You're just not used to seeing people not relying on bread/pasta/potatoes to bulk out meals.

Fruit and veg are often full of carbs. I think you mean she doesn't given them unhealthy carbs (breads etc)...but they get sweets once a week, chocolates at Easter and have a Sunday Roast? Sounds like a brilliant and healthy lifestyle to me.

TBH I wish more parents were like your DIL as there are so many obese children these days who have bread or pasta for every meal and wouldn't know a strawberry from an artichoke.

OP, I was brought up by very strict parents. I would get punished for very minor things.

I also grew up poor, so didn't have the activities you mention. I did have a limited diet because of lack of snacks. I had 3 meals a day but remember feeling hungry a lot, esp at school.

I spent a lot of time w my grandparents (2 different grandmas), and they were my sanctuary. Treats, snacks, more freedom, cuddles. I know now at least one of them did not approve of my upbringing. Neither of them mentioned anything to my mum but they offered me what I didn't get from her.

That's really sad, and sounds like horrible parenting. But there's nothing you can do, sadly.

This is great advice. I take back my comment that there's nothing you can do. You can do this.

I'll echo the others. The diet sounded more concerning than the examples. They have less carbs on few days a week, but it's not like they're restricted to steak and salad all the time. Also they have take out, roast and sweets. So quite a balanced diet. Unless obviously they're forbidden from having carbs when visiting which doesn't sound like it is.
As for the activities. That is slightly concerning language glasses and nursery is a must. But 5x week an organised hobby is a lot. However, you can't really do anything if the child enjoys the activities and is happy to attend.