Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

[Elisoe]

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

To be fair is low or no contact with them so she doesn’t actually know much about them day in day out. Just because the mum pushes more stereotypical female activities doesn’t mean she outright bans anything else. Plus very young 3-5 year old girls are usually in their peak pink princess phase. I have a girl that age and most of her peers are the same, even the ones who don’t push the princess dress dolly pushing thing themselves.
It doesn’t mean the mum is forcing them to do things they don’t want.

I mean ideally yes they should have more carbs.

excluding giving them pasta and sandwiches on your watch there isn’t much you can do

what you also need to understand is they are being raised to be Russian girls. this is very different to being raised British.

what you are describing is pretty standard stuff in that context.

the exercise, the clothes, the grooming, don’t get dirty, sit nicely.

their body and face are a commodity which must be optimised and maintained.

Anything you want to say talk to your son and ask it as a question.
The food is potentially the only thing I’d raise and if I did I’d treat very carefully.

What the actual....? Um, no. Children should not be skinny. Some get lanky but at that age absolutely not.

I think this is mainly a cultural difference OP. As a PP says, the British way of parenting is seen is very lax by many people from other cultures. I have friends and have known many other people from other countries and the way they do things and the things they think are normal are just totally different to us. I feel like a slacker and a lazy arse compared to the parents I know from certain other cultures. The toy cars thing and the strictness at home aren't great, but the diet sounds fine to me. Kids were skinny in the past - that's normal - and if you want your kid to do ballet or have the chance of doing ballet to a high level later on it's good to start early. I wouldn't say anything - by all means be curious about your DIL's upbringing and they way they do things in Russia - but if you criticise or give your opinion I think you'll be on very risky ground.

I think the diet you described in more detail, including the scheduled treats, sounds good enough, and better than the crap loads of kids and adults live off. Activities sound OK too.

The gendered toy stuff is rubbish, but there's nothing you can do except lead by example when you do have contact.

It is extremely unlikely that you saying anything would change anything anyway, except put you on the back foot with son and DIL.

Ultimately, your son had chosen someone with different values, and it sounds like he may value her particular type of femininity himself. If you criticise their parenting you are criticising the foundation of who she has become, and possibly the foundation of their relationship. It won't go down well.

You are wrong healthy children have clearly view of ribcage that is medical fact. The western version of a lot children is not healthy. Hence the near impossibility of finding clothes with waist bands that don't fall down.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12226744

Are you by any chance the same poster who was complaining that you don’t get time with your grandchildren? If you are, you’ve already been told almost unanimously by hundreds of people why you are 109% in the wrong and this post just adds to that. BTW if the cars are the ‘hundreds of pounds’ you’ve spent then their parents probably don’t want a massive toy car in their small flat. If you’re not that poster then apologies but the same principles apply. You are not their parent; their parents are. Unless they are being physically abused it’s absolutely none of your business how they choose to bring their children up.

Plus as Op said ballet at 3 is hardly strenuous excercise. My 3 year old goes to toddler ballet and it’s a lot of running around, waving ribbons and wands, games that involve movement and dance. Most kids there have fun and some don’t participate much or sit down when they are tired.

90% of kids eat far too much junk food and have no rules about snacking. My friend’s 3 year old walks to the kitchen and helps himself to Haribos. Don’t think that’s great either

don’t agree with the toy cars but both children will have access to “boys” toys at school and nursery and encouraged to do all games and sports including football.

I actually think that some of the responses here tell you all you need to know... Some parents are batshit.

The amount of activities is actually nuts for that age. But as a pp said, different cultures, different expectations.

As another pp also said, it's the language around the food that may become more damaging later. Keep an eye on things, don't speak out as the girls sound loved, it's just very strict and you need to be the best grandmother ever. You can't fall out with ds and dil for that very reason.

Weirdly i am friends with a family as you describe. Not the same i imagine but she, Russian, is utterly self obsessed, skinny, a total princess and sadly yes, that is being projected onto the daughters.

Just be there to love and give light (and carbs) to the girls.

Those ketogenic diets are for children with specific medical conditions and after medication has failed.

also all food turns to glucose in our bodies. Glucose is sugar. This is normal as are blood sugar spikes or responses. Carbs aren’t the enemy. Please if you love roast potatoes, eat them, don’t swap them for bloody swede. (Roast swede is nice and absolutely fine, but a potato it is not)

It sounds disciplined, but not extreme. Though the sexism (only ‘girls’ toys and dresses) is old-fashioned.

It must be hard being a grandparent when your kids raise your grandchildren in a very different way to you. But IMHO the job of a grandparent is to love and support their child, not to judge their partner. It sounds like you’ve already talked to your son about some of this. I’d be very careful and sensitive in how you bring it up. He could tell your DIL and she’ll naturally feel upset if you’re questioning her parenting. This will make your son feel torn.

If you want to be in your grand-daughter’s lives, focus on having fun with them when you see them and calling them for regular chats/sending little cards and gifts when you don’t. Respect the views and preferences of your son and DIL. For example, if they like them to do ballet, buy ballet-related gifts, as this shows a level of respect and support. As your GDs become older, they may push back on some of the disciplined eating and sexism. The important thing is you’re there for them, not standing in judgement of their mum.

The (admittedly few) russian women I've met have all been very highly achieving engineers or economists so I wouldn't worry about them not being allowed to follow certain career paths.
Everything else sounds like typical Eastern European parenting TBH.

From your update on their diet, Fruit, veg, meat, fish, sounds very healthy. and just fine, sweet treat on Fridays.
It does sound healthy to me. No one needs to be full of bread and potatoes.
Think back before the processed food of the 70's. Apart from a slice of bread this is what people ate. Bread was put on the table to bulk out meals when there wasn't enough of the other foods. No one needs snacks between meals, another reason we are all pushing maximum density.

Op having read all your replies the only part that I would have concerns over is the specific boy girl toys however, that on its own is not something to have too many discussion about. You don't agree with it (nor do I) but honestly as they grow they will adjust as they see fit.

Imo the food intake and amount sounds healthy and sensible. Perhaps a bit regimented but that is how some people live and if that works for them it's fine. (I would not want a roast every week for example)

The activities sounds normal and the Russian should very much be encouraged. I wish when mine were young there was this level of support for bi lingualism. I gave up and I wish I had been supported in this.

Edited to add mine were primary school age before they were left overnight. I am not a overprotective mother we just didn't have the need.

My next door neighbours are Russian/English {Russian Mum} and the children are so well behaved!

And bilingual since they learned to talk.

Sounds like great parenting to me. I'm stricter than most British parents, (admittedly not as strict as op family, but not far off). I'm British but I have noticed that children with parents from certain countries are some of the best behaved/lovely kids I've met. The parents just have very high expectations for them.

From your other post. You clearly don't like her and you are not involved in their lives, only seeing them once a year.

If you want to be more involved in their lives then criticism of what they do on a day to day basis is not the way to do it.

They are doing things differently from how you would. They are allowed to.

If you want a relationship then you need to try much harder at keeping your views and opinions to yourself and try and actually develop a relationship with the children

Stop worrying about carbs. If they're eating plenty of protein, their bodies can breakdown the protein molecules to make the carbs they need. We eat very carb-based diets in the west and it's not necessary.

And fruit and veg are heavy on carbs too.

Did you mean to be so rude

Comment on the message not the individual! Manners cost nothing and means a lot.

The article, if you read it properly, clearly states seeing a child's ribs as normal. There was comments on skinny which generally means a child's ribs are visible.

You may notice I didn't use abusive nor insulting language and managed to make my point

She’s clearly not Russian. This is almost certainly the same poster who is upset that her son married a ‘forrinner’ and settled in Ukraine with her before having to move into a small flat in London. She told her son that she was a gold digger and too attractive for him.

Re the diet it may be that it's low 'processed carbs' and she is actually making sure they get carbs from their other foods. Bananas etc bread .
It maybe a cultural thing, I don't think saying anything will help - she's not going to turn around and suddenly say oh yes your right - kids here have a bag of crisps and take up football. You have to accept it I think x

Not bread of course 😂 was going to say bread isn't great for us.

Not allowing them to get muddy is very mean otherwise it sounds fine