Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

[Elisoe]

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

Low carbs for very young children is not great. They need them.

What's with the strawman argument? What's with the false dichotomy?

It's not one extreme or another. Other parenting styles are available.

I'm not an authoritiain parent and my children don't even have social media accounts. They definitely do not think everyone is a winner.

You can be a great parent and set boundaries without being a tyrant.

Get your head out of the Daily Mail and be real.

I'm more concerned about the strictness and gender stereotyping.

I would be concerned too, but as others have said sounds like it’s so rigid you could be cut off for speaking out. I would stay quiet but close and observe, as the girls get older they may lean on you more

It's not how I'm choosing to raise my DC, but it doesn't sound actively harmful.

Their diet sounded concerning at first but the more you post the better it sounds. And as you say they're a healthy weight.

The activities is all good - at three mine were in nursery five full days and the younger had swimming and drama at the weekends too because she wanted to do what her sister did. All good.

I personally hate gender stereotyping but again it's not going to do harm to the extent that you should intervene.

Your post reminds me of a poster the other day who'd criticised her son's wife from another culture and hadn't even been invited to the wedding. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren I'd say nothing.

Did you post a few days ago?Excluded from Grandchildren’s Life? Your DIL had gone NC with you after you called her a gold digging furriner or something?

Very similar story and writing style…

It sounds very like it doesn't it

Fruit and veg has carbs, you don’t need white bread and loads of cheap pasta. If anything there isn’t anything nutritious in the latter.
It’s just OP comparing it to a standard shit British diet.

This sounds pretty much like I was raised in the 1980s. My mum is Polish. Coming from that culture absolutely influenced how she thought we should take advantage of every opportunity offered by the UK that she never could have had in a Communist country. I don't know what her upbringing in Russia was like, but also wonder if your DIL sees the kind of food she is giving her kids as the high quality stuff - fruit, veg, protein. My mum's family back in Poland before the Iron Curtain fell existed on rye bread and potatoes as staples because other foods were sometimes scarce and expensive. She sees that as food you eat if you're poor, because it fills you up and is cheap but not nutritionally that great. We didn't have processed foods, takeaways etc, it was all home cooking. My mum is still fairly militant about that now!

We didn't have sweets, chocolate etc often - they were treats, not everyday things, and although I'm more relaxed than my mum was and didn't think the odd takeaway would be disastrous, I followed that with my kids on the sugar. Children absolutely do not need those to be healthy. It's crazy the amount of sugar a lot of kids eat these days and thinking they are deprived somehow because they only get sweets on weekends and special occasions is crackers.

As long as they're eating enough then that diet is really good.

All the rest though I wouldn't like but that's not really for someone else to say unless it's abusive.

Regarding children being “skinny” if children of all centiles were lined up and people asked to pick where they change from being underweight to healthy and then from healthy to overweight happened, people might be surprised that what looks underweight is actually not and that seeing a child’s ribs is not unusual when they’re in their ideal weight for height bracket

Can't see anything wrong with this diet tbh

Did you post about them before? Where the DIL was taking the kids back on 24 hour journeys to Ukraine?

OP did you also post a thread a few days ago thread title is Excluded from grandchildren's life. The details are very very similar re DC ages the wife etc. in that thread you were wondering why you didn’t see your Grandchildren very often, so it would seem that your son and his wife are already aware of your concerns.
Apologies if it’s not you.

It's mainly cultural differences.

The diet sounds generally nutritious, but some more carbohydrate wouldn't go amiss.
You'd know the difference beween lean and thin though. Thin would look gaunt, be more prone to illness and generally look unhealthy. The 5 year olds I knew that still had a chubby toddler look on starting school all ended up clearly heavily overweight by leaving primary school. Children should be stretching out and looking lean between 3-5.

There's a lot of fear in the UK over criticism of diet and disordered eating. The problem is being too laissez-faire and too much freedom to eat "child-friendly" foods often results in poor regulation and binge eating disorders. British society struggles to recognise binge eating as being disordered and harmful. Lean children in the lower end of healthy range often look thin comparative to the size distribution of their peers.

This is the exact thread I was thinking of too!

Based on your updates, it seems strict but not overly so or unhealthy. As a foreigner I do see British parenting as a lot more lax than other cultures.

The best you can do is be there for them and naturally demonstrate other ways of doing things (obviously not in a confrontational way).

Why would DIL be doing that if she's Russian?

People change minor details to avoid being recognised/threads being linked. It's not dishonest it's sensible precautions to take online.

For me the most concerning here is they are not allowed “boys” toys. For the rest, they eat healthy diets with lots of fruit and veg, are encouraged to do sports and activities and are bilingual. Swimming is an important life skill. Plus are well behaved. Maybe her parenting is a bit strict but overall I wouldn’t be concerned.
you only see them a few times a year, not sure how much you really know. My DM judges my parenting and criticises me but has very little clue about our daily life as she is never around and doesn’t actually help!

how does the OP know that their diet is that restrictive? Do you live with them? How do you know that all of their meals are ‘keto’

your DIL is free to eat how she chooses, it sounds like you don’t like her very much. Child growth is based on nutrition and genetics. Nutrition mainly before 3. The fact that these children are young and taller than average shows that they are getting enough calories. Research has shows adults have no concept of what healthy looks like on small children, our perception is skewed due to how many young children are obese and overweight. You are meant to be able to see the ribs of a healthy weight child yet we’re conditioned to think that means skinny. There is a large range for healthy in children from 3rd centile up. I bet their BMIs would surprise you.

the clubs, so what?

the language so what?

discipline, I promise you’d be on here complaining if the opposite was true and it would be your DIL fault there too.

yes the gendered stuff isn’t great, but sadly very common.

all in all sounds like you don’t like your DIL and want to pick. Good luck

I was wondering like others if you were the MIL of the Ukrainian lady. If so you don't like your DIL and need to step back. If I'm wrong sorry, but also diet sounds healthy. Your opinions on all of this need to be kept under your hat or it will not end well.

I'd be concerned about the low carb thing, they're growing kids they need carbs, no wonder they're always tired, also not allowed a snack if they feel hungry, they will grow up with issues around food

Sounds fine to me. You realise fruit and veg are carbs, so what’s the issue…not enough pasta? Strict and expect hard work? Hardly the gulag.

Seems like you’re a bit of a busybody to me OP.

Oh you're back with more criticism of your Dil I see.