Son & DILs Parenting - concerned?

[Elisoe]

I'm going to start with, I haven't mentioned this to anyone and I won't unless others think I should. I know it's not abusive but it does worry me.
My youngest son has 2 children, girls who are 5 and 3. Their mum isn't British (she is Russian), there is a big age gap but they seem happy. I have grandchildren from my older son too and learnt quite quickly to just say nothing unless it's actually harmful but I have concerns and I'm not sure if they justify being mentioned
The first concern is diet, DIL is very skinny, she doesn't even workout a lot but she is strict with her diet and is very minimal on carbs. Obviously this goes to the children too and they are both skinny children but taller than average. Most days from what I can tell the children also have no carbs. The eldest is now in school but gets a pack lunch and if there are any carbs it's the keto friendly low carb version. DIL is quite addictive about things being low carb but she does give a lot of protein so maybe it's a non issue. I've never known children to be on restricted diets unless necessary though so I do worry about this. They are also very strict on snacks with designated snack times and if it's not snack time and you're hungry well tough!
The second concern is the expectations, the 3 year old currently does swimming lessons 2x a week, ballet 2x a week (though this is mostly just running around with ribbons admittedly!) and a tennis session. Plus a Russian language Saturday morning pre-school and 3 actual mornings at nursery. Whenever I see her she is exhausted! The eldest does similar but seems better able to handle it.
Next is the strictness, the children are hardly allowed to step out of line without being sternly told off, this can be for laughing too loud or having more than one toy out at a time! They are some of the best behaved children I've ever met but I don't know if I support just how strict they are?
Lastly is the girls absolutely aren't allowed to do anything their mum seems to be for boys, football, getting muddy (they wear dresses most days!), play with trucks etc. I bought them some toy cars after going to a playgroup with them and them enjoying the cars but found out a few weeks later from my son that they have them to a friend with boys as they aren't girls toys!

AIBU to think this is all quite extreme? I know
It's both my son and DIL making these choices but at times it feels like a lot. Is any of this worth actually being concerned about or just a different parenting style?

i work in this area and meals and snacks at specific times is one of the first things we tell parents in establishing good relationships with food. It’s why so many fussy eaters at home end up thriving in nursery and eating very well there when they refuse or just pick at home

I was about to ask if this rung the same bells for anyone. I think OP has changed a few details (Ukraine to Russia), and her outright "concern" about the mother due to the bashing she got on that thread, but I do suspect she's the same OP trying to judge her DIL.

I'd also be concerned about the strict low calorie no carb diet for the very young children. Children need carbs for energy and growth. Your DIL doesn't sound 'genetically' skinny as she has to stick to a strict diet to stay skinny. I'd be concerned that her daughters will have eating disorders like their mum. I say this as a genuinely genetically skinny woman who eats carbs.

Yep, same poster. And given she hasn't seen them for nearly a year how does she know anything about their parenting style. She seems determined to ruin their lives. Or maybe she thinks SS will give them to her to look after.

I would say it's just a cultural difference. They only have lower carbs for a few days each week and have roasts, takeaways and sweets the other days. I'd say that's pretty ok.
The toy thing would grate on me but they'll have opportunities at school to do and play with all sorts of things, so again, not worth falling out over.
If your son is happy to raise his children in this way too then I don't think there's much you can do. They're healthy, polite children who are engaging in a wide variety of activities. It could be far worse!

When you actually finished all your posts the diets sounds like a healthy diet. They have lots of fruits and veggies and fish. They have a roast on Sunday, they have a take away/meal out once a week. They have treats on a Friday.

They go to clubs and learn the mother’s native tongue. The whole not playing with boys toys is over the top but that’s about it.

The whole country seems to be becoming blind to healthy weights we have obese children being called having a little puppy fat and just normal lean children called skinny near underweight.

I do see the links between the two threads aswell. How funny that two horrible dils form the very countries of Russia and Ukraine within days too. If she really is Russian sounds like normal strict Russian parenting.

It sounds like a lot of cultural differences and choices and priorities that are different to what you are used to. That must be hard and I sympathise! It's a shame the children are so over scheduled and are told off for such small things but nothing you've said sounds cruel or unloving, just different ideas on what is best for them. I would continue to say nothing and be supportive and hopefully you will provide a different influence in their lives. It could be a lot worse, I've seen some heartbreaking MIL posts on here where the grandchildren are being dragged up by completly inadequate parenting. It sounds like your grandchildren are having a good life, I hope they get plenty of physical affection to balance things out.

This is quite a normal upbringing in Russian and Eastern European culture. The diet sounds healthy, it’s exactly in line with Mediterranean diet doctors recommend. Protein, fruit and veg with little simple carbs - don’t see anything wrong with it. Timed snacks is exactly as my mum ran the household, it didn’t do me any harm, I still don’t have a snacking habit and it served me well in life. I’ve been the same size since puberty with very little effort to maintain it and no restrictive diets in sight.
Encouraging decent behaviour is also a good thing. You won’t see many shrieking children in that part of the world. I remember being told off by strangers for talking too loud on a bus, for example.
Gender-stereotyping is concerning but nothing you can do about it except to have gentle conversations with the girls when they get older.
As long as there is a good balance between being strict and being a loving and supportive parent, there is absolutely nothing wrong going on here.

I think their diet sounds great. It's good to establish healthy eating habits early. The strictness and no mud-rule remind me of my own upbringing. (I'm from the former Eastern bloc, too.) It's given me confidence issues and what I can only describe as a phobia of mud. But I don't think there is much you can do if you want to remain in good terms with your DIL; she is not abusing them. You can only be there for your grandchildren and offer them a more relaxed experience when they're with you.

Well they're certainly NOT being abused or starved!

All this comes down to different parenting choices. They are the parents and you would be incredibly overbearing to criticise them to their faces.

Keep out of it.

Are you going to keep posting threads with half truths and drip feeds until someone criticises your DIL and validates you?

Honestly, your energies would be better spent getting to know her, learning about her culture, and building a relationship with her.

Focusing on being proved right (in your mind) about her really isn't healthy.

Diet wise, you say they are thin but not underweight. There parents are also naturally thin. Honestly that is fine there are so many overweight kids about it has skewed our perception as to what is normal. There is a perception kids need snacks between meals all the time, they dont. There is a huge problem with obesity in this country. It sounds like they do get carbs just not in massive quantities

My friend is from Moldova and she is very much the same with her children. They have a full schedule with lots of extra curricular activities, the don't go up and spend time in their rooms, they spend most time downstairs as a family when they are home, she has a very healthy diet. She is very strict with the children.

It all sounds OK to me.Different but OK.

Their food sounds amazing, I wish more parents would cut out the chips and turkey dinos.

They are getting great food for future gut health, they are slim and active. Bette Ethan living on pizza and chips and lounging around on iPads.

I'm a strict parent my DS are 20-& 17 now, but all the hard work being different being strict has paid off. It's hard to define in a post but I'm so grateful I stuck to my guns on some rules.

The gender part, they will find a way to break if they want too. They will be strong independent women and raised well so I really wouldn't worry at all.

As long as your DS is happy think they sound like great involved parents.

I appreciated your concerns but also feel that with more information being added along the way that this is a good balanced diet, starchy carbs are often cheap fillers with little nutrition!
can you define your concerns that the youngest is always exhausted when you see her? How often do you see her?
I think this would add more context for people to reassure you
I would be more concerned about the gender specific toys but as others have said the girls will find their way with that outside of the home

So was I. And my grandmother was also a balm. What I will add is my mother is also foreign, and she would hide behind the “cultural differences”. It is slowly dawning on me that she (& my dad) may actually be autistic. That this rigidity is down to that. It is extremely bad for a child’s mental health. What can you do op? Almost nothing. No one stepped in for me. And yes, I wound up with an eating disorder too.

There's so much research out their now on low carb keto for children and adults, children as we don't need carbs as such, Dr berg has done so much research on this, you can make your own bread biscuits pizza base, cakes, sweets, without all the carbs and other rubbish added, roast dinner can be done using swede for roasties as low in carbs , make your own icecream, really anything can be changed to suit low carb without feeling your missing out , all veg and fruit have carbs but nothing like normal processed foods or cereals, cottage pie, and likes of can be made eith little changes to some ingredients,

Carbs turn to sugar and sugar keeps us hungry, took me along time to understand this,
Netflix has a movie, the magic pill, worth 60 mins watch to educate yourself / ourselves, Dr berg youtube him honestly opened my eyes,

The thing is be most worried about it the socialisation. That they aren't allowed to do anything outside of the stereotypes.

I would definitely be bringing this up with your DS in a calm way.

I mean what does this extend to? Not being able to play a certain sport? Not being allowed to be interested in certain subjects?

The sexism is the thing I would be honing in on.

Oh God, here comes the judgemental MIL ... your poor DIL. It's irrelevant where she is from btw. Furthermore, how she raises her children is NONE of you business. Posting this much information about her on a public forum is infuriating.

Absolutely this. Reading over the two threads there doesn’t seem to be anything OP doesn’t feel entitled to criticise. It would appear from the other thread that OP hasn’t seen them for quite a while - over a year, so I’m at a loss to know how she knows so much about their diet and lifestyle. I have a horrible feeling that this is going to end with some sort of referral to social services as OP seems unable to step back and stop interfering. Even when they’ve clearly gone low contact.

As long as they get plenty of veg and some fruit they are getting enough carbs. Keeping sweets and puddings to just a couple of times a week sounds fine to me. The only thing that is concerning is the gendered toys. All in all these sound pretty good parents who are making healthy choices for their children. If I were you and wanted a relationship with my grandchildren, I’d keep my nose out of it.

To be perfectly honest it sounds fine. Strict, culturally different but not a million miles from what was the norm in western society a generation ago.

It wouldn't be for me but I see friends (ex soviet union backgrounds?) who have raised there now adult children now similarly and they are well rounded individuals.

I would say nothing if you want to maintain a good relationship.

I think it sounds like you need to stop interfering.

Because OP changed the details from Russia to Ukraine.