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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sacrifice my career for my family

128 replies

Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:04

Long story short, I am training to be a Nurse and DH works for a small private company which my family run. They are going to merge with another company and DH has been asked to be a company director.

he does school runs when I am on early shifts and pick ups when I’m on lates. He takes the kids to sports clubs so I can study.

If he becomes a director he won’t have this sort of flexibility any more and would have to spend a lot more time working. I really doubt I will be able to continue with my training.

it would mean a huge step up in finances for us and we would be able to send our children to private school and move within the area we want to be.

But really love my job and don’t know how I would feel about throwing all that work away. However it would be so wonderful to spend more time with my children while they are small.

AIBU to even consider it

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:06

Realise I posted in chat when I meant to post in AIBU! Will see if I can change

OP posts:
ButterAsADip · 02/10/2024 20:09

Seems a shame given you love it. Will he really have less flexibility, for sure? A lot of the time at that level you can set your own hours and delegate as long as the work gets done.

GOODCAT · 02/10/2024 20:09

If there is a big increase in pay for him, can you use that to pay for childcare? It seems a real shame to miss out to facilitate this. It also spreads your bets as a family, so if the company doesn't thrive for the rest of your lives you have a guaranteed job.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/10/2024 20:11

Is there a specific reason why a director wouldn't be able to work flexibly?

Original poster
Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:13

Yeah we discussed getting a Nanny but I’m not sure how I feel about having children only for neither of us to spend a lot of time with them? DH agrees. It would certainly be less flexibility for the first couple of years by which time the little one would be at school. So I could technically go back to it then but I’m already 33. If I went back in 2 years I wouldn’t qualify until I was 37.

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Neveragain35 · 02/10/2024 20:13

I wouldn’t give up your training. Maybe at least figure out a way to finish your training then you can always work part time.

without wanting to be the voice of bitter experience, it is always worth maintaining a way to have your own income if you can.

midgetastic · 02/10/2024 20:14

I would not give up work
Would part time be an option for you?

There is more to life than money ( once you have the basics ) - doing soemthing you love and is worthwhile , that gives you a life as your own person, financial security against the worst...

mindutopia · 02/10/2024 20:15

I would keep going with your training and your career that you love. If he’s a company director, he should be in a position to build in flexibility for himself and delegate tasks. My Dh is a company director and it actually means it’s easier for him to do the school runs and be present for dc, because he can structure the week and work flow around when he’s needed at home. And yes, with the added income you can buy in extra help.

It’s actually bought us both a lot of flexibility and has meant I’ve been able to focus on my career rather than just be ships passing in the night like we used to be.

ThePoetsWife · 02/10/2024 20:15

Will he pay into a pension fund for you?

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/10/2024 20:16

Why can’t you use childcare? You can have both.

Sepoctnov · 02/10/2024 20:18

Nope don't give up your career. Continue your training and you have a career and job for life. Not just in nursing but in the wider NHS as well. You will massively regret this if you give up the training now.

A company director should have more not less flexibility.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 02/10/2024 20:19

Give up a career you love (and which serves the community) just to be at home? No chance!
Tell DH he needs to work with you on this.

Original poster
Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:19

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/10/2024 20:11

Is there a specific reason why a director wouldn't be able to work flexibly?

For the first couple of years definitely less flexibility but I don’t see why there couldn’t be more flexibility after that.

without going into what they do

the office/site will change location. It will be a longer commute but great for the company as it will be in a hub for the industry

the nature of the work means that there needs to be someone there on site and DH (for now) would be the only person with the very specific skills for certain elements

OP posts:
Original poster
Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:21

Unfortunately part time isn’t an option because I have to meet a certain amount of hours a week to qualify

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foxglovesandharebells · 02/10/2024 20:23

Why don't you let him take the job and see how life really is once he's established? You might find it's easier than you think. If not, you can always reassess your choices then. It doesn't actually mean giving up your training, just postponing it for a couple of years. Given the absolutely huge financial and practical benefits for your family that you mention (being able to move to your desired area and give your children private education, not to mention more time with them when they're small) I think 2 years postponing qualifying isn't such a bad trade off really.

FussyFusspott · 02/10/2024 20:23

I'd take a couple of years out whilst the children are small and then go back to it. Your career will be there the rest of your life and if you're in a financial position to take a break which you are then you would never regret spending that time with your children.

Original poster
Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:23

If I did give up in the near future I would t plan on never working again - I would definitely go back to work when the time was right but not sure I would continue training

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MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/10/2024 20:24

Hmm, you say that you love your job but it sounds like you're looking for excuses to give up... don't want to use paid childcare, you'll be too old if you wait until you're 37 etc.

If you want to be a SAHP, your DH is happy with that and you can afford it as a family, then there is no need to justify that decision to anyone else.

If you actually want to carry on with the nursing, then you'll find a way to do that.

It's totally your choice, no right or wrong answers here.

FussyFusspott · 02/10/2024 20:24

Your other option is paying for childcare which wouldn't impact how much you see your kids now anyway.

Sorrelia · 02/10/2024 20:24

foxglovesandharebells · 02/10/2024 20:23

Why don't you let him take the job and see how life really is once he's established? You might find it's easier than you think. If not, you can always reassess your choices then. It doesn't actually mean giving up your training, just postponing it for a couple of years. Given the absolutely huge financial and practical benefits for your family that you mention (being able to move to your desired area and give your children private education, not to mention more time with them when they're small) I think 2 years postponing qualifying isn't such a bad trade off really.

Agree with foxglove, this is the better option. You simply defer your training, so you can stay at home with the children while they're small and support your husband in this big step up. Then in 2 years time, when kids are.in their private school, you take.up.yoir training again and focus on establishing your career.

toomuchfaff · 02/10/2024 20:27

Don't give up something you love, find a way to make it work. It has to be a happy decision to make a drastic change, you don't want to cone to resent your husband or family for holding you back. Find a way to make it work, nanny, childcare, after school clubs etc.

Donotgogentle · 02/10/2024 20:28

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/10/2024 20:24

Hmm, you say that you love your job but it sounds like you're looking for excuses to give up... don't want to use paid childcare, you'll be too old if you wait until you're 37 etc.

If you want to be a SAHP, your DH is happy with that and you can afford it as a family, then there is no need to justify that decision to anyone else.

If you actually want to carry on with the nursing, then you'll find a way to do that.

It's totally your choice, no right or wrong answers here.

I agree. You could make nursing work if you were prepared to flex, but it sounds like you don’t want to.

Be honest and own your decisions. As long as you’re financially secure all routes are valid.

Original poster
Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:28

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/10/2024 20:24

Hmm, you say that you love your job but it sounds like you're looking for excuses to give up... don't want to use paid childcare, you'll be too old if you wait until you're 37 etc.

If you want to be a SAHP, your DH is happy with that and you can afford it as a family, then there is no need to justify that decision to anyone else.

If you actually want to carry on with the nursing, then you'll find a way to do that.

It's totally your choice, no right or wrong answers here.

But I want BOTH! Right now! 😂 I think that’s my problem, I kind of wish I had gone for it earlier so that I was already qualified

And as for the paid childcare care thing - it’s just that being looked after by a family member, even if it’s not me, feels very different to being looked after by someone you are paying to do it

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Chipsintheair · 02/10/2024 20:29

I'd definitely finish the training first, so you always have it to go back to.

Original poster
Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:29

My mum was a SAHP and I think that plays into it a bit!

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