To sacrifice my career for my family

[Flumpi]

Long story short, I am training to be a Nurse and DH works for a small private company which my family run. They are going to merge with another company and DH has been asked to be a company director.

he does school runs when I am on early shifts and pick ups when I’m on lates. He takes the kids to sports clubs so I can study.

If he becomes a director he won’t have this sort of flexibility any more and would have to spend a lot more time working. I really doubt I will be able to continue with my training.

it would mean a huge step up in finances for us and we would be able to send our children to private school and move within the area we want to be.

But really love my job and don’t know how I would feel about throwing all that work away. However it would be so wonderful to spend more time with my children while they are small.

AIBU to even consider it

If you’re not prepared to use paid childcare, as many of us do, then your options are indeed very limited.

How much training do you have left? Do you definitely want to do this or was it something you only considered because you needed to work?

If everyone said you could give up your training and be at home, how would you feel? And how old are the kids?

My advice OP is that no marriage is 100% guaranteed.

I have two married friends who were completely in love two years ago. They have now broken up.

you need to think of the Worst case scenario - what if he breaks up with you in a couple of years?

And then you won't have his big salary to rely on. Its his salary, not yours.

I would finish your training and make sure you have a career yourself.

I took a pay cut to do training so it’s not about the money, I genuinely love the job. Part of me is kept sane by having time with adults even if it is in a sweaty hospital ward 😂

OP you say you don't want to use a Nanny, but are there not options that lie between the extremes of no paid childcare and a Nanny? Just things to bridge the gaps before and after school, and transport to clubs etc.?

A bit off topic, but how hard was it to get into nursing as a mature student OP?

Its something that i have been thinking of doing too

Your DH does drop off when you’re on earlies and pick up when you’re on lates, so it wouldn’t be a case of using a nanny for both pick up and drop off (which would be fine too by the way) as presumably you’re doing one at the moment anyway? When they’re at sports clubs they’re not necessarily spending time with DH then either. If you want to make it work, you will. I’d argue that the uplift in pay means you could get a cleaner and so you can actually maximise family time.

Whilst your DH is the only one with specialist knowledge and needs to be on site, he works a predictable pattern now, one week starting late and one week finishing early. He should be able to work a similar pattern. As a company director it would be good for him to have flexibility because then it can be really ingrained in the company culture and people know they can work flexibly to accommodate their personal life.

I think your husband should not go for promotion based on your updates. Its working now for everyone ,get to the end of your training and think again.

From your OP it sounds like your children are already at school, so is the issue just the pick-ups and drop-offs? Putting them to breakfast/after school club doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, many working parents do the same. I wouldn’t sacrifice my career just for the sake of a few hours of paid childcare for school age kids. It might be different if they weren’t at school yet and you didn’t want to put them to nursery, but if they’re already at school i don’t see why you wouldn’t just use wrap-around on the days you or DH can’t collect them.

Get the training done then re think/look for part time.

I agree. Doing everything as a SAHP can build a lot of resentment. I started to lose my mind after a while and was so much happier after I returned to work. It’s certainly not for everyone.

Just stay as you are.

@Flumpi pay for the childcare and finish your training then you can ease it off a bit. God forbid if anything happens, your dh or your marriage you love something to fall back on.

This is really tricky. I am bias as I am very family motivated and not very career motivated, and have stalled my progress as I am in a comfortable and flexible situation. I personally would want to prioritise being a SAHP while your DC are young, if it is an option financially (which you are saying it is).

However I completely empathise with having a career you genuinely love, and now that we are finally starting to get out of tbe woods with our DC now all being school age, words can’t express how grateful I am to start feeling like a human again, and not just a mother. If your career is important to you, I think you should absolutely pursue it.

Is there a middle ground option? Can you think of deferring it a bit? Each year your child grows they will be a bit more independent and childcare options open up.

Of course it would. Someone else would be caring for their children. These are not school age kids.

Hi,
If I was you, if your husband can support you all financially, I would put your studies on hold. No disrespect but nursing will always be there, your children won't be dependant forever. My children are old now, and they've always said to me that they're so happy that I chose to be at home with them and not put them in school clubs. They have memories of being with me, their mum, not someone who isn't their mum. It's precious time you have with them. Good luck in your choice. ✨️🎊💐

Hi OP, I'm a HCP and was able to change my course to part-time due to health issues. If you love nursing I'd suggest speaking to your tutor about part-time options and highlight it is due to your parental responsibilities. They might be able to accommodate more than you think and at least then you know your options.

Once you're qualified there are lots of options with jobs where you can work 9-5, bank, agency, etc. So it might be worth it in the long run.

Potentially sacrificing a career you love at the altar of childcare and your DH’s job is not remotely funny to me but perhaps I’m just getting grumpy in my old age. Flexibility in senior level positions is pretty much always possible - Keir Starmer clocks off at 5pm on a Friday to spend time with family whatever is going on in the world. Your DH can work some flexibility into his job to enable you to work. Particularly as you say this is a family company. You can also get a nanny. Nanny’s do not raise children any more than schools do. Children are raised by their parents.

My post was in response to this.

How much training have you done and how much do you have left? I think you'd be better to finish your training and then work PT as a nurse.

I think your resistance to childcare is ridiculous. Most children thrive in child care. Do not give up your training.

What? Find me any evidence that childcare is better for under 3s than parents.

The OP mentions school runs and sports clubs - these ARE school age kids.

I would not give up your training - I am in a very boring job and regret not retraining when I was younger! However, I could not not work altogether as I would be too worried about my pension and divorce. Plus, colleagues keep you sane.

Honestly, it just looks like you're looking for an excuse to give up work. You'd not even lose time with your kids by having a nanny, as you would have been at work anyway.

When both parents work, they use childcare, whatever job they do, unless they happen to work opposite shifts. If you don't want to use childcare, your only option is to be a SAHP. Own your decision.

Has he looked into the legal implications of being a director of the company?

I mean it sounds high status and lucrative and all, but he becomes liable for all sorts of things.

I'd be very careful about it, tbh.

And no, I don't think you should give up your career.