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AIBU?

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Original poster

To sacrifice my career for my family

128 replies

Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:04

Long story short, I am training to be a Nurse and DH works for a small private company which my family run. They are going to merge with another company and DH has been asked to be a company director.

he does school runs when I am on early shifts and pick ups when I’m on lates. He takes the kids to sports clubs so I can study.

If he becomes a director he won’t have this sort of flexibility any more and would have to spend a lot more time working. I really doubt I will be able to continue with my training.

it would mean a huge step up in finances for us and we would be able to send our children to private school and move within the area we want to be.

But really love my job and don’t know how I would feel about throwing all that work away. However it would be so wonderful to spend more time with my children while they are small.

AIBU to even consider it

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 03/10/2024 07:48

I think you should qualify at the very least. You can use increased income for extra child care needs; you have said yourself that DH might have more flexibility in a couple of years and your DC will be a little older by then and their needs will be different. It isn't a question of having DC never for parents to be with them , it is a question of all of your personal development.

TrumpIsACuntWaffle · 03/10/2024 07:51

Neveragain35 · 02/10/2024 20:13

I wouldn’t give up your training. Maybe at least figure out a way to finish your training then you can always work part time.

without wanting to be the voice of bitter experience, it is always worth maintaining a way to have your own income if you can.

Finish your training then get a job with more family friendly hours. Pay for wrap around in the mean time.

TicTac80 · 03/10/2024 07:52

I'm a nurse (I retrained as a nurse when my eldest was young). It was bloody hard when the DC were young and I was v tempted to knock it all on the head, but now that the DC are older (and I'm now a single parent), I'm so glad I didn't. XH and I and divorced, and my job means I can support myself and DC.

In your position: get in childcare to complete the training and get your registration and some experience (how far in are you with your training?). Once you're qualified, then the world is your oyster and you could work part time to keep your registration ticking along. Also make sure you have something paid into a private pension for yourself.

Reason I'm saying this is a lot of my friends are now single parents. One was a nurse and she stopped work and let her registration lapse to support her now XH with HIS career whilst she looked after the kids. They split up and those kids are now older, once the youngest two turn 18, child maintenance from her XH (who is paying the minimum) will stop. Her earning potential is low, she'll only get a state pension and she's panicking. Her XH's earning potential is through the roof (as his career didn't stop), his pension is good and he's going to be on easy street. She's looking at ways of getting some qualifications under her belt and/or doing the Return to Practice course now so that she has something in place.

I know this all doom and gloom reading, and no one plans to divorce, but it's wise to future proof yourself.

OneRarelySeesABrazierTheseDays · 03/10/2024 07:55

Flumpi · 02/10/2024 20:13

Yeah we discussed getting a Nanny but I’m not sure how I feel about having children only for neither of us to spend a lot of time with them? DH agrees. It would certainly be less flexibility for the first couple of years by which time the little one would be at school. So I could technically go back to it then but I’m already 33. If I went back in 2 years I wouldn’t qualify until I was 37.

Do not give up your career, please!!
It is the best security you can have; you can contribute biut also can future-proof yourself and children.
Even if it seems tempting at the moment, please consider all ecentualities and contingency plan for them
Your career is too important to sacrifice

Velvian · 03/10/2024 07:55

Has DH considered not taking the job? It sounds like he gas a good job currently that gives him a good balance. It would be a shame to lose that for a bit more money and a lot more stress for everyone.

GabriellaMontez · 03/10/2024 07:57

You have found a job you love?

That is something many people never achieve.

I would find a way to finish that training. Even if you have to take some leave/get a temporary nanny.

A professional qualification would be invaluable if anything unexpected happened later.

ZenNudist · 03/10/2024 08:04

I wouldn't give up. You've done well to career change in your 30s. Now is the time to capitalise on efforts already made. Your dc are 5 and 2, using childcare is absolutely fine. 2 busy parents is the norm. You can have a more relaxed life and give up on this new career before you've got through training but don't pretend it's going to be a massive benefit for your dc. It's just not.

I'd check out all the threads on the relationships board of women going it alone after death divorce separation. It is foolhardy to rely on one earner. You don't know for certain that you aren't going to need a career to fall back on. Certainly in my 40s with friends in their 40s and 50s now going it alone and some people who you never thought would break up (or die!) have done. It would be naive to assume you can just rely on your husband.

Velvian · 03/10/2024 08:09

It just seems really arse about face that you would give up something you are already doing (and enjoy) so that DH can do something different. You are in danger of doing all the leg work to facilitate a change that DH is making for himself.

Calamitousness · 03/10/2024 08:13

How long have you got to go till you finish?
presumably only 1 or 2 years. I’d just go for it and use a nanny in the meantime. Once you’re qualified you can pull back. Do something more family friendly with your degree, term time. School nurse, community nursing, research nurse, or part time. You’ll have so many options and can flex your career to your family better as time goes on and the children grow.

Elphamouche · 03/10/2024 08:22

Do not give up your training! If the shit hits the fan, you need a job to fall back on.

MidnightPatrol · 03/10/2024 08:26

Are you sure he can’t help?

I know many many company directors and people in senior jobs, and we manage perfectly ably to juggle work and childcare.

Sounds like he’s making excuses to not do it - and if it hasn’t even happened yet, he doesn’t know what it actually looks like.

My friends DH tried to do this recently: basically get her to quit her job as it made him feel more comfortable about accepting a promotion. My advice to her was as it is to you: tell him to put his big boy pants on, and with his new seniority insist on some flexibility to manage his family commitments / use some of his increased earnings to pay for childcare.

Naunet · 03/10/2024 08:27

Does you husband actually expect you to sacrifice your career so that he can improve his? Did he discuss this with you before applying for the job? If so, what did you agree? If not, ask him what his solution is. This shouldn’t all be on you to make sacrifices.

CooksDryMeasure · 03/10/2024 08:31

How much longer do you have training?

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/10/2024 09:10

Can you not reduce your working hours and still train? Talk to work/training provider to assess if there are alternatives.

Hellothere89 · 03/10/2024 09:16

I am a solicitor and so is my dh. We work long hours (even though I am part time) and with the commute etc it means we hardly get any time with our ds on the days I work - he spends a lot of time in nursery (longer hours than he would do at school). Keeping up with everything else is hard - exercising, cooking, washing, spending time together etc.

I love my job - it’s a career I’ve worked hard for. But life has thrown a lot at us recently (deaths of parents, amongst other things) and I think that’s made us really reassess what is important in life and ultimately that is time (and time together).

I think the problem is, as women, we’re taught we can have it all. Controversial, but I don’t think we can - not all at the same time anyway. Something always has to give. So, my dh is about to be promoted, we can afford to live off his salary and I’ve decided to take a break from my career. I know that’s a luxury and not everyone can afford it, but it sounds like you can OP.

My ds won’t be this small forever, these years are precious. I’m going to focus on him and my family instead. Then when my ds is at school, I can go back to my career if I want to (and I probably will because as I said, I enjoy it).

I know you’ve said you’re worried about your age and you wished you’d trained sooner - you can’t change that now. Is a few years really going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things? Yes, you probably could plough on and get it all done / make it work - but at what cost? There’s absolutely no rush - you will always have that career as an option.

So, no I don’t think it’s mad to take a break, to enjoy your family and a slower pace of life if you can afford to.

Becsahm · 03/10/2024 09:24

Speaking as a qualified nurse who has given up her PIN to be a stay at home mum, there is never a day where I regret my decision!
Nursing really really isn't all it's cracked up to be. I never knew anyone throughout my training and job that loved the job anymore, everyone echoed the same sentiment that it isn't what it used to be. It'll always be there if you want to do it whereas your children are little for such a short period of time and then it's gone. Personally I've seen more people progressing up the career ladder when the kids are older as their time is less torn.

Original poster
Flumpi · 03/10/2024 10:15

Hellothere89 · 03/10/2024 09:16

I am a solicitor and so is my dh. We work long hours (even though I am part time) and with the commute etc it means we hardly get any time with our ds on the days I work - he spends a lot of time in nursery (longer hours than he would do at school). Keeping up with everything else is hard - exercising, cooking, washing, spending time together etc.

I love my job - it’s a career I’ve worked hard for. But life has thrown a lot at us recently (deaths of parents, amongst other things) and I think that’s made us really reassess what is important in life and ultimately that is time (and time together).

I think the problem is, as women, we’re taught we can have it all. Controversial, but I don’t think we can - not all at the same time anyway. Something always has to give. So, my dh is about to be promoted, we can afford to live off his salary and I’ve decided to take a break from my career. I know that’s a luxury and not everyone can afford it, but it sounds like you can OP.

My ds won’t be this small forever, these years are precious. I’m going to focus on him and my family instead. Then when my ds is at school, I can go back to my career if I want to (and I probably will because as I said, I enjoy it).

I know you’ve said you’re worried about your age and you wished you’d trained sooner - you can’t change that now. Is a few years really going to make a difference in the grand scheme of things? Yes, you probably could plough on and get it all done / make it work - but at what cost? There’s absolutely no rush - you will always have that career as an option.

So, no I don’t think it’s mad to take a break, to enjoy your family and a slower pace of life if you can afford to.

This is such a nice reply - thank you. I feel like you get where I’m coming from and it’s really hard to feel like you should aspire to have it all… but just like you said I feel like “at what cost” (on both sides!)

OP posts:
Manchegos · 03/10/2024 10:31

OP reading your posts it seems really clear to me what you actually want to do - so just do it! It doesn’t matter what anyone on here says.

I have said why I don’t think giving up training/career would be right for me and actually wouldn’t be right for most women. But who cares what I or any other anonymous stranger on here think? We don’t know you. Choose the option that makes your heart sing.

LoveSandbanks · 03/10/2024 10:44

You don’t have to make all the decisions now. Why don’t you try to carry on with your training and put childcare in place and if that’s not working out you can review the situation. You’re just making a decision for now rather than forever.

Inthebitterend · 03/10/2024 10:55

OP, only you can make this decision but I don't think anyone should ever give up their career to completely rely on someone else, because life is unpredictable and you never know what could happen.

But I have to say I really baulk at the posts saying women can't have it all, they gave up stuff they loved to be a SAHP etc. Because apparently men can have it all but women can't. They can get promoted and work all hours of the day and come home to their kids being looked after, their dinner cooked, a tidy house. But women have to give up their careers to support it.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 03/10/2024 11:00

Your aversion to childcare will limit your options.

What solutions is your DH coming up with? He's the one causing the issue so he should be at least contributing to coming up with a solution.

FlingThatCarrot · 03/10/2024 11:02

I would spend 2 years with the kids and then pick up the training again.

You're not going to be on your deathbed wishing you'd been a nurse for 2 extra years if you work for 20. You night we'll be wishing you'd had the time with your children though, they ate only small for a very short time.

I also agree that paid childcare is completely different to knowing they're with their dad.

RhubarbieRhubarbie · 03/10/2024 11:09

37 is not old to qualify if you choose to qualify later! I think you are actually fortunate in that the career path you are choosing will wait for you, not like other career paths where pausing would mean returning to something lesser. Your kids will only be young once and your husband may not get this offer again so easily. But nursing definitely isn't going anywhere.

Hellothere89 · 03/10/2024 11:26

Inthebitterend · 03/10/2024 10:55

OP, only you can make this decision but I don't think anyone should ever give up their career to completely rely on someone else, because life is unpredictable and you never know what could happen.

But I have to say I really baulk at the posts saying women can't have it all, they gave up stuff they loved to be a SAHP etc. Because apparently men can have it all but women can't. They can get promoted and work all hours of the day and come home to their kids being looked after, their dinner cooked, a tidy house. But women have to give up their careers to support it.

It’s not as simple as relying on someone else - it’s about working as a team and supporting one another. I don’t think making plans on the basis something will go wrong is a healthy approach. A relationship requires trust. Of course, I’m not naive enough to think these things could never happen, but if they do, I will go back to work and plan around it.

I’m also not saying men can have it all either - they can’t. My dh won’t be able to spend the same amount of time with our ds as me. But life is about seasons. In a few years, I plan to work again, and I know he will then take a back seat to support me in doing this. We actually discussed who would take the break now - but because of our personal circumstances it worked better this way. Of course, that’s not the same for everyone. We have both made sacrifices and that’s the way it is when you have young children.

category12 · 03/10/2024 11:32

I'd love if you answered whether you and dh have really looked into the liabilities you're exposed to as a company director.