Leaving the house, would this annoy you?

[helloballoon]

My DP was working late last night, I was upstairs with the kids, they were being quite noisy and I was trying to calm them down so they were quiet as I knew he had to get something done and then was trying to get them to bed. Managed to do so then my DP calls me on my phone which I thought was strange so I answered, he had gone out the house 15 mins ago and was calling to see if we needed milk. I wasn’t even aware he had left the house. This really annoyed me, I think it was rude and it’s common courtesy to tell your partner if you are going out.

i wasn’t going to say anything when he h
got home but he kept asking me what was up and I told him I thought he was rude for leaving the house without telling me. Cue his defensiveness telling me he shouted me 3 times - obviously I didn’t hear him or acknowledge him as I would have done if I had actually heard him

I know it’s petty but would this annoy you? Also annoyed that he can’t accept this annoyed me and started arguing with me about it, wish I hadn’t said anything.

Mountain out of mole hill.

fleeting irritation maybe, but to be so miffed you show it… no.

he tried three times, enough done.

It depends why he left the house... to go for a walk for a bit of fresh air, or to board a flight to Cancun to escape his family for a month. Assuming it was the first, you're making a mountain out of a molehill. He was in the vicinity, he had his phone on him, he figured you were busy with the kids so just left you to it while he popped out.

DH and I often go out for a few minutes. I might go round to see a friend a few doors down. He might go to the village shop. If the other one is napping or in the bath or otherwise busy and wouldn't join us, we just go without disturbing them.

I don't understand what he's done wrong.

He called to you three times before he went out and phoned while he was out to see if you needed milk. Hardly dodgy or unreasonable behaviour.

If he'd sneaked out to spend the night with his mistress, that would be a different matter.

On the other hand, you got the hump, gave him the silent treatment and had a go at him him when he asked you what's wrong.

I know which of you sounds unreasonable and it's not your husband.

No it wouldn't bother me whatsoever.

What a fuss over nothing. He popped to the shops, he even called to ask if you needed anything. He’s not a child who needs to inform you of his whereabouts at all times

Well if he had have left without trying to tell you, then yes, if would be a bit rude. But he didn't do that. So...

He called out. He called on the phone. He was not going out to the pub for hours just popping out.
YABU!

To be honest I know it’s petty, it just annoyed me and I did think to myself it’s not worth it so don’t say anything but he kept asking me what was wrong (I wasn’t being nasty, I was probably just off) I kept saying nothing but then eventually said.

i also think why can’t he just say sorry I thought you heard me instead of getting defensive and arguing about it. I’m shouting at the kids telling them to quiet because he was working and he wasn’t even in!

Popping out for 10 minutes, no that wouldn’t bother me, going for a pint yes.

but in your situation last night, you were working at trying to keep the children quiet so he could work, only to find he wasn’t working. Yes that would bother me

Bit of an OTT response.

it would be rude if he had left for a night out without telling you but popping out to the shops? Not really. Suspect you’re feeling narky from being stuck putting lively kids to bed to help him out but he can mosey out to the shops without having to deal with them!

Blimey. Don't you have anything better to worry about. You didn't hear him, he went out. He's irritated you're making a fuss of it

Also it’s really passive aggressive and unpleasant to be “off” but keep telling someone nothings wrong when there is. That would get my back up and I would probably not apologise to someone if they did that to me rather than just spit it out in the first place and say what’s up.

I said yanbu. Particularly when the dc are smaller even if we were popping out we would tell the other one so that we knew we were the ones with sole responsibility in that time. Thing like if there’s a fire we know whose in that sort of thing. Now I know people will be like what’s the likelihood of fire breaking out well exactly the same as if you left a child at home and popped to the neighbours which I also wouldn’t have done.

No it wouldn't annoy me at all, it's you that should be apologising not him. It's something really strange to be annoyed about, and now you want an apology.

Strange thing to get so het up about.
If either of us are nipping out we’ll shout into the house when at the front door “just going to x” and off we go. Sometimes we hear, other times we don’t. Solved by a quick phone call if one of us can’t find the other.

He was able to infer from your behaviour that you had the hump and had to repeatedly ask you why you were sulking.

That sounds like passive-agressive behaviour to me. You need to ask yourself why you feel the need to behave this way over something even you acknowledge is petty. Passive-agression is very damaging to relationships and it's not good for your children to witness either.

If you think there is a problem, be open and honest about what it is. If the matter is unimportant (like this one), ignore it. Don't sulk. Don't give him the silent but deadly treatment.

Dh doesn’t really pop out on a whim, it’s usually after some discussion about needing stuff from the shop. If he mentioned he would pop out later, but didn’t then tell me at the time, because I was busy, I wouldn’t think anything of it. I would find it strange, and probably be annoyed, though, if he just went out without having said anything. (Roaring upstairs 3 times and getting no response doesn’t count!)

What a weird thing to be bothered about. I wouldn't care a jot.

Why does he have to say sorry?

You didn’t say anything, but you sulked instead?

You don’t know why he wouldn’t just apologise, but you wouldn’t just say what’s wrong to him, he had to keep asking.

Grow up, you sound like a petulant child.

What is it he needs to apologise for? I can't work it out.
My DH has sometimes popped out without telling me ( because he's an adult) and if I don't hear him go out I call him. No drama.
It's not the you were in the shower so the kids were unsupervised. That would be different.

i also think why can’t he just say sorry I thought you heard me instead of getting defensive and arguing about it.

It's hard to say "sorry" when you feel like you're being punished undeservedly. (Your silent treatment being the punishment.)

People have such a strong instinctive reaction to injustice - I bet everyone on this thread can name a time in their life when they felt they'd been treated unjustly. And it really burns to apologise for actions that you don't feel were wrong, because it's as if you're conceding to the punisher that yes, they were right to act that way after all.

So while you see the apology as redressing the balance, he will see it as piling insult upon injury, since he doesn't believe he deserved the silent treatment in the first place.

Incredibly petty. A complete non-issue and you want an apology?

You sound like hard work.

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, and 100 per cent not worth causing aggravation over. Why do you care?

I think this a fair point. Also, it’s just common decency that you let your partner know in a way that you know that your partner heard you. So, not by yelling up the stairs, getting no response but leaving anyway because you ticked the box that you communicated. @helloballoon YANBU.